The purpose of this article is to shed light on common challenges that couples may encounter in the later stages of their marriage, particularly when significant life changes, such as children leaving the home, occur. While the case of Richard and Tammy is fictional, it is intended to provide insight into the emotional and relational difficulties that couples might face. Additionally, this article serves as an example for therapists, offering potential interventions and therapeutic approaches that could be used to help couples navigate these challenges. Each relationship is unique, and interventions should always be tailored to the specific needs of the individuals involved.
Presenting Problem
Richard and Tammy are contemplating divorce after many years of staying together primarily for the sake of their children. Although they don’t want to consider divorce, their relationship has deteriorated over the years, and they have been unable to get along. Now that their children have grown and left the house, they feel little reason to remain together, as their interactions are either limited to conversations about their children or end in arguments.
Precipitating Factors
With their children no longer present to act as a unifying force, Richard and Tammy find themselves questioning the point of staying together. Their communication has deteriorated to the point that they avoid discussing deeper issues to preserve the fragile peace they maintain. When they do communicate, their conversations often escalate into conflicts.
Perpetuating Factors
Tammy is experiencing some borderline tendencies, which create unrealistic expectations in her relationship with Richard. For instance, she blames herself for his erectile dysfunction and simultaneously berates him while craving more meaningful interaction. When her emotional needs aren’t met, she feels abandoned and rejects Richard altogether. This dynamic of blaming and rejection fuels their conflict. Additionally, both Richard and Tammy exhibit signs of “splitting,” where they now view their relationship only in negative terms. When they are able to communicate without arguing, often while discussing their children, they avoid delving into their relationship issues for fear of disrupting the temporary peace.
Predisposing Factors
Their religious views play a significant role in their reluctance to divorce. Although they do not see other options for resolving their differences, they are hesitant to end their marriage due to religious beliefs that frown upon divorce. This internal conflict further complicates their decision-making process and contributes to the ongoing tension in their relationship.
Protective Factors
Despite their struggles, Richard and Tammy still care about each other. Tammy desires better interactions with Richard, although she finds it difficult to achieve them. Richard, on his part, doesn’t want to end their relationship and tries to reassure Tammy that his erectile dysfunction is caused by stress, not a lack of attraction to her. This indicates that there is still some level of mutual care and desire for a healthier relationship, even if they are struggling to express it effectively.
Interventions
- Incorporating Countertransference: One of the recommended interventions is the use of countertransference. In this therapeutic approach, the therapist observes how Richard and Tammy behave toward each other and toward the therapist. By doing so, the therapist can pose questions that reveal how the couple interacts not only with each other but also with other people in their lives. This technique can help Richard and Tammy establish rapport with the therapist while also prompting them to engage in self-reflection. They may gain insights into how their interactions with each other are influenced by their broader interpersonal behaviors.
- Exploring Underlying Beliefs: A second intervention involves exploring the couple’s underlying beliefs. During therapy sessions, the therapist can ask Richard and Tammy to provide an example of a recent argument and delve into the emotions and beliefs that arose during the conflict. The therapist will guide them in examining how past relationships and familial influences might shape their current relationship dynamics. This reflective exercise helps the couple understand why they behave the way they do, such as why Richard disengages from conflicts or why Tammy becomes confrontational. It can also foster empathy and self-awareness, as they begin to recognize how past experiences influence their reactions in the present.
- Accessing Memories: A third intervention focuses on accessing memories that are tied to recurring themes in the couple’s conflicts. By asking Richard and Tammy to recall memories that evoke similar emotions or patterns of behavior, the therapist can help them draw connections between past experiences and their current relationship struggles. This process allows the couple to identify behaviors they may have unconsciously adopted from previous relationships or family dynamics. It also offers them the opportunity to make changes based on these insights, potentially breaking negative cycles and creating healthier patterns of interaction.
By implementing these interventions, Richard and Tammy can gain a deeper understanding of themselves, each other, and the dynamics of their relationship. Through self-reflection, exploration of past experiences, and a better grasp of their emotions and beliefs, they can begin to address the underlying issues that have led them to contemplate divorce, opening up the possibility of repairing their relationship rather than dissolving it.