Podcast Transcript
hi my name is Rachel Honda from um straight jacket podcast I’m Jeff from Mental Health Resource uh and my name is
daxon Marcus I work at trust SoCal as a house manager and I run
group awesome uh so did you what um tell us a little bit about
what uh like your history so I grew up um I grew up in Nava California um which
many people know is Wine Country um so growing up um I did not have like
a I didn’t have a story that you would necessarily consider traumatic uh in
anyway I had a pretty normal childhood you know very supportive parents um they stayed together uh they’re still
together to this day I didn’t move around a lot um and um you know did okay
in school um I lived in Napa for basically the better part of 28 years
um and had a pretty like I said normal childhood um a lot of sports um you know
I was a choir boy I was you know it was very a very uh pretty solid stable uh
Foundation um and um for me ADHD was
always really prevalent um I always kind of felt like I wasn’t really a part of
the group growing up um that led me to obviously how do I become part of the
group and um you know so that started with smoking weed and um kind of
whatever I needed to do to ingratiate myself with people who I thought were
you know popular or um kind of had it together um I really started struggling
with alcohol specifically um when well it was my mental health sort of led me to my
alcoholism um I became a bartender at uh straight out the gates at 21 and um it
was not the healthiest bar to work at UH and by that I just mean that my my
manager basically was totally fine with us drinking and you know using powdered
substances on the job uh so you know when I found alcohol my my
um lack of feeling sort of uh okay or comfortable with my with myself uh and
feeling uh good enough or having you know depression issues all that sort of went away with with the alcohol um I uh
you know so I jumped pretty heavily into the drinking scene right out uh right
out the gates around 15 um and it just ramped up as soon as I
got to the bartending uh all of a sudden I had you know all this money coming in
and I was living uh I was lucky enough to live in my grandparents house who had passed and so I wasn’t paying rent and I
had all this you know cash coming in Daily uh so you know in Sonoma It’s a
Small Town um all there really is to do there is it’s a wine Winery obviously so
wine wines everywhere um unless you’re going hiking every day you’re pretty much at a bar a restaurant or a winery
uh that’s the entire economy there so this is like Northern California yeah this is Northern California it’s about
45 miles from San Francisco okay um and uh yeah so I mean growing up it was just
very wine and alcohol in general was very um it was pushed on us as this
classy kind of thing to do you know so there was always a positive correlation between alcohol uh and and myself um I
never thought there was any issue with it I thought that’s just what people did um and then that was kind of compounded
by the fact that you know all of my friends in somoma were also bartenders
so we would drink at work we would drink you know after I would get off I would go to one of my friends bars they would
you know and I was never really paying for it so as an alcoholic uh and someone who struggled with depression it was
kind of like a perfect storm yeah um because I had the substance that I
needed to make myself feel okay and I had all the people that I needed to validate that you know the the use you
know um and uh I touched on the ADHD thing I was diagnosed with ADHD in fourth grade
I had to do all these tests you know the r Shack tests and all that I don’t know what they did at that time but um but
the doctor it was you know uh you get a score out of 10 on you know your ADHD score I was like a nine and a 10 out of
tens on all these things so um couldn’t sit still and uh I had a lot of problems
with getting tasks done that everyone else had very little issues with you know so I just kind of always felt like
why can’t I keep up with the rest of the crowd and it wasn’t even really like difficult things that I couldn’t handle
I it felt like I couldn’t handle the simplest stuff um when I was under pressure it seemed to work out like
working under pressure for me is good I can handle pressure I you know I work well in chaos um and but for some reason
I I just couldn’t get the basics down and for that reason I felt very out of place with everyone else um I couldn’t
get the socialization thing I didn’t really know how to talk to people um and
so bartending was at first very difficult for me because it kind of puts you on stage and you have to speak to
all different types of people um all day long but uh in order to combat that I
would just I would just drink you know if I had a wake up you know I’d have three or four shots get the bar set up
and and all of a sudden I’d be able to you know deal with the the socialization
aspect every day um and not feel the depression and not feel the anxiety you know it was just kind of blocking those
things were you on any uh medication for the ADHD I was put on so in fourth grade
they put me on rellin that um yeah since I was like six Rin was rough was rough
for me uh for sure you know and it’s interesting with ADH with a lot of
people with ADHD is certain substances will have the opposite effect on us that they do on other people uh which is why
uh we use you know amphetamines basically um or stimulants to combat
ADHD because it actually sort of calms things down in our minds um same thing
with like coffee like if I drink more than one or two cups of coffee actually start to get more tired um so yeah the
rlin did not do any do me any favors as a kid um I actually started looking so
bad because I wasn’t sleeping it affects your appetite I wasn’t eating so um
there was like some concern over my well-being you know and uh and I as a kid knew innately that there was
something off about the medication that wasn’t working for me so this is back when you would have to go to the nurse’s
office and they would give you their you know your pill throughout the day and I kept I started gumming it and I would
bury it in in the pill box outside of the nurse’s office just cuz like I there was a part of me that knew that I this
was my problem was this medication that I was on um and so the flowers slowly started dying and they went to replant
them and they found all these little yellow pills stuffed outside man yeah
kind of funny yeah I was like oh now they got me um but uh yeah so you know
back to the um to bartending and uh I so I was living in somoma and things just
got sort of out of control um it’s one of those you know the the
the little bubble of somoma it’s a very living in somoma is not really like the real world it’s this if you don’t leave
it’s this very you know it’s it’s all tourism and life is basically what I you
know kind of what I’ve described it was working and drinking drinking after work you know staying up all night using
other substances and um and repeating it and I basically did that for 10 years um
and then one day my body and my mind just had enough and I started getting these intense panic and anxiety attacks
um and I hadn’t connected the withdrawal from alcohol to the panic attacks yet how far was this
after about when you turned into 21 so I maintained that lifestyle uh of basic
daily drinking until I was about 27 um and and by maintained I mean like
I hadn’t noticed any real negative effects um you know so I didn’t have any reason to slow
down and then right around 27 28 my drinking um I had a my my ex fiance and
I had split up and that that sort of sent me down another Rabbit Hole of
mental health issues which I then self-medicated with of course alcohol uh even further so um so at that point my
body started to kind of say no um and I was Reliant my mental health was reliant
on the Alcohol uh as well as my physical health at that point I started waking up
um if I hadn’t had alcohol in about you know eight hours or more I would be shaky and start having the anxiety
attack act and um and they they were severe I went to the hospital a few
times um and then things really hit the fan at
29 um my cocaine use had gotten uh very out of control with the alcohol and I
woke up one day and I just didn’t feel right and I told my uh roommate at the time to call the ambulance and they got
there and my heart rate was at 217 beats per per minute um who yeah uh the EMTs
were surprised I was still awake at that point they’re like you should be passed out um so I went to the hospital they
couldn’t get it down I end up staying there for about 5 days in the ICU uh until they were able to get it back into
like a sinus rhythm um and after those five days uh they discharged me in the
morning and in the exact same clothes I showed up in I went directly to the bar I didn’t go home to shower I didn’t you
know my first thought was was uh like the survival Instinct had changed you
know it wasn’t my I didn’t need water and shelter first it was alcohol you know it
was my substances that I needed first and foremost before I took care of anything else in life uh and that’s when
I really noticed like okay this is a serious issue for me and you would think
that you know any logical minded person might attempt to slow things down but I
think it scared me the idea of having to slow down scared me so much that I kind
of leaned into it um you know I I didn’t I really didn’t want to face the fact
that I would need to completely change the way that I lived so I just drank to
avoid that as well which uh obviously didn’t turn out too well um so uh yeah
so I went to my first rehab uh in Colorado at at the age of 30 after a
couple more ICU trips and what are the IC where were they like seizures or just
like kind of it was my heart it was so my my uh cocaine use had gotten very
heavy at that point yeah it was well it was both it was a combination of the cocaine use the lack of sleep the lack
of most of my calories at this point were coming from uh from my drinking beer yeah just I I would have I mean it
was probably somewhere around 30 30 shots a day plus 10 or 12 you know beers
and and I would 30 shots a day and 12 be at least and it you know got it’s it’s a
small town people notice you know and when you stand out as an alcoholic in a town full of people who drink they’re
not all alcoholics but they drink alcoholically um it’s uh when those
people start noticing you have a problem you’ve got a problem um you know so I
had some people ask me to take care of myself uh in uh from the context of you
know hey we need you to we need you to go to rehab you know we’re worried about you and uh and I did and uh my life
improved um specifically though the struggles that I’ve had have been around
relapsing um and since then since my first Treatment Center in
2020 I have attended 15 uh rehabs and so I mean more or less three
a year uh well four a year it’s only been four and a half years years four
years uh so yeah it’s just been this constant cycle of trying to
understand really What the deeper issues are that keep me going back to this
because the lifestyle was for for the last you know probably 10 relapses the lifestyle was
not something that you would look at and go I really want to go back to that you know there was no real logical reason
any one would put thems back in the situation that I kept putting myself in with alcohol because a lot of the tools
that they give you um in treatment revolve around playing the tape through
and you know looking at where you’re going to end up if you take that first drink or that first drug and that wasn’t
working on me I knew exactly what was going to happen I I actually would plan you know at this point I’m like planning
my next rehab stint you know because I’m like all right this is probably going to last last you know two to three weeks
maybe a month you know because they got shorter and shorter because every single time it’s a progressive disease and every time I would relapse my mental
health would suffer it would get worse and I would go even harder the next time so I’d end up in the hospital within a
week let’s say of you know I was sober for x amount of months and then within a
week I’m in the in the hospital again and you know here we go and back to a rehab and so um so I really started
recently delving into you know okay it’s not it’s not necessarily the quality of the treatment
I’m receiving because I’m I’m receiving quality treatment um it’s the disease is
centered in my mind you know uh my physical symptoms are the alcoholism my
my you know my self-medication is for mental issues is for issues that I can’t
think my way out of uh as much as I would like to think I can um so I really
started focusing my efforts in treatment on learning about myself how my mind works uh my motivations and uh for me
it’s centered on the novelty and the dopamine that I need I I do seem to
gravitate towards anything that provides dopamine to me it could be shopping online shopping it could be um you know
even just thinking about getting a task done actually provides dopamine uh and I don’t even have to complete the task
it’s it’s a strange thing you know so it that’s where the procrastination comes in is that I’ll think about all these
tasks I have to complete and I get the dopamine as if I have completed them um but then they remain on my plate you
know so it’s a it’s kind of a back and forth battle um and so what it’s taken
for me really is just um kind of uh opposite action doing things that I don’t want to do but I
know I should and receiving the reward from actually getting things done um so
remaining uh busy and um all of my previous career options have involved
helping other people I wanted to be a firefighter because one of my best friends uh who’s also sober uh is a
firefighter and I wanted to be a police officer before that and I wanted to be an EMT and they all really revolve around helping other people um so when I
found this career uh as an option you know prior to this the only thing I
really had knowledge in was bartending you know I did that for 12 years um at a very high level and and I thought you
know that was where I was going to end up but therein lies the identity crisis
when you realize that you can’t be that anymore because you’re an alcoholic and you struggle with depression and anxiety
and um you can’t I I thought I could balance the two I thought I could be that exception to the rule and and be a
sober bartender and you know and do all these things but uh it doesn’t work that
way for me there are a very there’s a small percentage of the world that can
uh be around their their drug of choice and not and know better and you know know that that’s not for them anymore
that chapter of their life is closed uh for me it’s not a uh it’s not a game I
like to play yeah you know so yeah so I mean that’s kind of how I’ve I’ve ended
up here um and things are so far you know they’re
working out but I like to I don’t like to rest on my Laurels um I know that I will never fully have a
grasp on my mental health or my alcoholism uh especially if I stop doing
the things that keep me healthy um you know for example like I meditate I you
know I get as much exercise as I can um and I eat well and I try to get some
sleep you know the basic stuff like if I don’t focus on you know we’ve all heard the acronym halt hungry angry lonely
tired uh I actually have to remind myself of that you know once every few
days that all right have I actually taken care of myself recently is this why I’m feeling this way most of my
triggers come from the basics it’s just okay I’m dehydrated or I didn’t sleep well last night or I haven’t spoken to
another human in you know 12 hours or something like that you know so um I do
believe that you have to start in sobriety with your foundation and for me
I believe the foundation has to be taken care of of my body and my mind first and
if I know those things are taken care of I’m much less likely to fall into this
depression anxiety craving cycle that ultimately has brought me back to alcoholism so many times um so it’s a
lot of work but uh working in treatment and in mental health and working with
people who I can recognize myself in so often um is helpful both to me and to
them you know I can really I can relate to people from a standpoint of I’ve
literally done that before I’ve acted that way or I’ve made impulsive decisions in that way and I can see kind
of the motivations behind it uh it’s not I don’t believe that it’s always the drug that’s the motivation I think it’s
the Escape um so yeah I’m just I’m very blessed to be where I’m at and uh and
working here has been absolute GameChanger for my mental health which I wouldn’t recommend for everyone not
you know not not everybody keep the chaos yeah it doesn’t um it’s not a one- siiz fits-all solution but but for me it
works so yeah hell yeah that’s awesome where do you think you still
struggle um boundaries okay I think uh you know being a house manager um it’s
hard you know the way I look at it is this this lifestyle sobriety in
general allows me the opportunity to grow as a person every day and working with people
who are in early recovery and also have their own mental health struggles and uh
Financial struggles and um all of it allows I really do see it as kind of on
the job training for the rest of my life if that makes sense because I’m basically having to deal
with um the struggles and the problem s of a large group of people and by deal
with I just mean um work through it with them you know speak speak to them about it talk talk through it uh deescalate
situations so it kind of I’m getting so much more life
experience in a single month working with all these people than I would by myself just living my own life right
because I’d only be dealing with my set of issues and my set of mental health problems but now I’m in a position where
I handle many people and I and I try to help them work through all these problems so it kind of condens it’s
almost like concentrating you know this learning about myself because I see my
sim the similarities uh between all these people that I’m surrounded by every day um but the boundaries is
definitely one of the things that uh I struggle with because I am a people pleaser you know uh and in this type of
work you know we want to try to make everybody happy and we want to try to um
solve as many issues as we can because you know the main the last thing we want
is for people to have to focus on you know where their food is coming from that day or the little you know the
little stuff you know the hungry angry lonely tired stuff we want to be able to cover all those bases so that they can
spend their energy focusing on like okay where where Within Me does my addiction
my substance abuse come from where does my depression come from um you know working through the trauma all the big
stuff is is really where uh we strive to let
their energy lie you know so um so boundaries can be tough when
you’re trying to you know facilitate that for people while also trying to you
know being somebody in in recovery myself while also trying to uh you know hold that that uh standard for my own
life um so it’s a it’s a balancing act uh for sure but I’m learning how to set
those boundaries in a way that uh they they don’t feel like I’m stonewalling them you know or or that I don’t care
um but the way I see it it’s I’m leading by example right I want them to learn
these boundaries as well so if they see me uh you know neglecting my own mental health for their sake they’re going to
normalize that in their own life and it’s it’s only you know it’s only going to snowball and compound um for other
people so I like to try to lead by example um some people call it tough love some
people just you know I just feel like I’m trying to set a standard of this is how you should treat yourself yeah you
know um so I don’t mean it you know I don’t mean boundary setting to feel you
know neglectful or or uh you know rude in any way you know it’s really more about setting an example yeah and they
definitely need that because if people take on too much that’s when they end up relapsing so right that is a good
absolutely yeah um and so with your ADHD now what do you think helps you manage
it anything really anything that that requires all of my attention because for
me the way that ADHD feels is
um it’s it’s like I heard it put best one uh I think one of the ways I like uh
that I’ve heard it put is it’s like having uh you know a Ferrari brain with bicycle brakes um you know it’s just go
go it’s rapid fire um so learning to and and a lot of it is useless you know a
lot of the rapid fire thoughts are are completely unrelated to anything that could be considered
productive um so I do think that um for me the breathing techniques um the like
meditation meditation and breathing yeah just do I try to do that uh before bed
is there any like particular way you do it I just do box breathing um five in
hold for five five out hold for five five in hold for five kind of that that whole deal um and I try to I don’t
usually listen to guided stuff I try to just kind of clear my mind because that’s kind of the whole issue that I
have uh and that’s what alcohol did for me um you know where most people would
be like we talk we discussed kind of how much my how much I had been drinking
daily um and you would assume that somebody who had drank that much would be kind of getting sloppy and all over
the place and causing a scene it that alcohol doesn’t affect me that way I was very mellow um I almost never got caught
cut off by bartenders because I just never acted drunk um I you know I don’t
believe it had to do with necessarily with my tolerance either I just think it had to do with um the way that
ADHD um and alcohol combined for me it had more of a calming focusing effect on
me uh than it did uh you know a let’s party kind of thing um and the same with
with the cocaine you know it’s a stimulant so my friends would be kind of you know bouncing off the walls and I
would kind of it would it would focus me it would calm me but those things aren’t sustainable you know that’s um you think
you can you think you found your your fix for for life’s you know struggles or the mental struggle of of getting
through the day sometimes um you know really I think that’s that’s what it started out as it’s just like I don’t
feel like I can get through today uh sober like with whatever goes on on
naturally here uh at that age I just couldn’t handle it I didn’t you know I didn’t have the tools to understand any
of what was going on in my mind uh so really I look back now
on you know the five years of of getting to treatment and the hospital visits and
all the wreckage and um I
feel I used to hate when people would say this that they were grateful for their addiction or grateful for their
mental health struggles but I I am I you know where I from where I sit today you
know from from the standpoint of um the life that I will be able to provide cuz
like I wouldn’t say that I’ve reached the Pinnacle you know this is still there’s a work in progress there’s a lot of work to be
done still and um when I remind myself of that that thought used to make me you
know the existential dread of like I have so much work to do you know but now
it’s more of an excited feeling because I get to live life in a way where um
where I have a little bit more control uh which ironically is what I was looking for with alcohol you know I
was trying to control how I felt and change the way I felt um but now that I don’t need to necessarily be a slave to
something and self-medicate to feel the way I needed to feel just to get through a day um
being able to sit with what happens in my mind and you know and all the the
anxiety that comes with it and the unnecessary worry and um it’s
becoming what I would describe as peaceful I would say um I so I but I don’t think that I would
I I really don’t think I ever would have reached this point had I not spend as much time in therapy and you know in in
treatment and learning these you know learning these things about myself because everybody’s case is while there
may be a ton of similarities um the exact reasons the exact missing pieces that make people
feel uh like they’re you know maybe not
comfortable in their own skin or that they need to use a substance or um you
know a behavior to to kind of alter that mind state to where they’re like okay like I feel okay with myself and I feel
confident and I can go to work now and I can take care of whatever I need to take care of um that’s different for everybody you
know where that comes from so I think the struggle is not using um you have to explore you
have to explore these these tools for for your own mental health and figure out what works and what doesn’t and
unfortunately with that comes the trial and error of uh you know if you’re an addict and an alcoholic as well um trial
and error can be deadly so um yeah I think you know if I was going to
recommend one thing above all it would be therapy you know I know agree therapy
yeah and meditation I think meditation will get you to therapy though definitely yes if you can sit with I
mean if you just learn to sit with yourself um you know because that’s
really what I was trying to do with my alcoholism was I could just couldn’t sit with myself there was just too much
there uh you know and I couldn’t sift through it all and and alcohol made it so that I didn’t really care to sift
through it you know it just kind of made it okay I felt fine
um but time doesn’t wait for me to you know stop drinking you know so it’s
sometimes I look at it like you know with a little bit of pangs of regret that you know I let so many years go by
before recognizing it but I can’t really beat myself up for that because again
like I I was kind of in a world where my behavior was very normal um you know the
level of the level of drinking really only became a problem towards the end when I
sort of outpaced everyone around me which is difficult to do uh in at least
my in my uh my friend group and so I had to leave everything behind really um I
haven’t stayed in the same place for more than uh six months in five years um
just because of relapsing and um and things like that and all the people I
grew up with um you know I had to kind of say goodbye to those relationships for a long time and um that provided its
own set of mental health challenges right you know so there’s no perfect
solution to any of this you know you can you can leave the people that maybe you shouldn’t be around because they’re
unhealthy for you but then you’re going to feel lonely because you need a new group of people um so one problem can
create another uh in in early recovery or in or just dealing with you know
depression um you know you try to everyone’s going to naturally try to self-medicate when they don’t feel right
uh so it’s I think it’s important to to recognize that the first thing that
works for you isn’t the only thing that will work and not and alcohol and drugs is is many
times is the first line of defense because it’s there you know and everyone
else is doing it and it’s very socially accepted you know it was that you don’t have to feel you can escape oh you had a
stressful day at work you know go sit and have a whiskey you know and it’s just kind of pushed on you like that so
and it doesn’t have to be you know a a commercial selling you whiskey at the end of the day and you like putting your
slippers on or whatever you know those Crown Royal commercials that I used to see um
they you know that’s it’s the the the same idea it’s the idea that’s being sold that you can you need something be
nice right that’s going to be nice or uh you know and you can replace that that glass of whiskey with anything that
works for you but uh so it takes a lot more work uh you know sitting and having a
glass of something that makes you feel better is very easy and we all love instant gratification um sitting with all the
negative thoughts and and saying you know instead of doing instead of H having a glass of whiskey I’m gonna uh
you know I’m going to meditate and I’m gonna and I’m GNA call my therapist you know those are much more difficult
things to do um they don’t sound fun and you know and for some someone like me
who like I really I run on dopamine you know I need things to be entertaining um
or or novel or new or fun uh boredom is is honestly painful for me um
so uh yeah so I can’t isolate isolation is a big trigger for me um which is
another reason this job is is great for me you know I’m never I’m never I’m almost never
alone uh so it’s been yeah I mean it’s been great there’s there’s always going to be struggles I had a little bit of a
rough patch yesterday but I ended the day with uh you know a meditation and
and uh I exercised and I I ate a bunch of healthy food and and I got some good
sleep and you know but yesterday I mean there was a point yesterday where um you know I’ll
I’ll have these moments and they’re much more fleeting they don’t last as long anymore but I’ll have these moments
where I know there’s nothing I can do to make that feeling go away because I
can’t drink right I just have to sit with it and let it and let it do its
thing uh and not fuse to the idea that that’s how I’m going to feel forever
right because when I get that overwhelmed anxious depressed sad lonely
that all kind of hits you at once it feels like the The Narrative
that I will tell myself is that everything’s going to come crashing down right like everything gets you know all
of my that voice inside that says you’re going to fail uh applies itself to all
the most important things that I have in my life at that moment because uh and I do believe that that’s partly my
addiction that wants me in that vulnerable place yeah because when I’m feeling that way and I’ve got this
little voice that says that I’m going to fail and that everything that I’ve worked for and you know those those
voices that pop up the the doubt and the and the criticism uh that’s exactly
where my addiction wants me because in the past that is where I’ve
been like I cannot do this and I find myself at a bar again and I’m making all these fake friends and uh and
everything’s okay for a while you know and then but it’s not lasting it’s not lasting and then all of a sudden the
police start showing up and uh you know the legal issues and and the you know
the family doesn’t trust you anymore and obviously Financial issues and you lose your job and yeah uh and it all just
compounds on itself um so um I do
recommend uh to anybody I talk to now to step outside your comfort zone and try some stuff that maybe you thought was a
little bit you know uh for me yoga was never something that I saw myself doing
but yeah but I it makes me feel good you know and and and it’s a challenge I do
think that um a lot of of a lot of uh the confidence that I’ve been able
to build in sobriety has been in doing things that make me uncomfortable um whether it’s you know I
went to Hot Yoga the other day and that that’s painful it was very
difficult right but I survived it and I think that’s like the the goal for me is
to teach myself that I can survive discomfort and that makes you stronger it makes you stronger and that I don’t
have to give in my sponsor likes to tell me first thought wrong second thought wrong you know my first instinct my
first impulse when I need to solve a problem that has to do with how I feel
is probably wrong um you know so sitting taking a few breaths and
figuring out what you know is my next move going to take me closer to a place
I want to be or further away um so I think basically just just living living
life with a a little bit slowing slowing down my my impulsive decision- making
and living with a little bit more intention with the thought that my mental health and my sobriety
comes first no matter what um even before my family because if I lose my
mental if I lose my grasp on my mental health and my routine and my uh and my
sobriety if I lose that I lose everything else anyways you know so I
can’t put them first uh and that’s a hard thing to every you know I’ve talked to a lot of people and they’re like
absolutely not Family First and I’m like it’s not going to work yeah I mean
for a lot of people my family happens to be healthy right they’re I’m the only addict in my family um so I’m kind of
the black sheep you know and I didn’t have a whole lot of trauma that you know that would make me make me an an addict
or an alcoholic um it’s just I just am um and uh so I’ve I’ve got to live you
know sort of I I’ve had to cope with that um but yeah but my family knows you
know that this comes first and they support that but there’s a lot of people who don’t have a family that uh that
they can lean on like that um they’re actually part of the problem uh you know
so uh you really just have to know that’s where the boundaries come in you
know um and it does become lonely because people will have to be cut out
of your life m uh and they aren’t going to take that very well and some of them
are going to curse you for it and and make you feel you know like you’re a terrible person um but you do have to be
pretty selfish when you find what works um and all of a sudden your days
start to feel a little bit lighter and and you’re not having to resort to popping the pills or doing the lines or
drinking or drinking the whiskey all day um for me that’s priceless um 100%
otherwise for me I I die if I go back to the way I was drinking and what do you
want for your future um right now I try not to think
too far in the future but in the context of like the next three years three to
five uh I’d like to continue uh in this industry uh and I mean this is a
as much as I’m helping other people and I love that this is still a growing
process for me to get from where I was to wherever it is I’m supposed to be um
I don’t know I’m a spiritual person you know I don’t know that there’s necessarily uh any one place I’m
supposed to be but I know that my personality predisposes me to certain things and um you know so staying in the
in this vein of work and helping other people kind of find the confidence to
walk through some of these fears um and and build build you know a more of an
identity in sobriety because I think that’s another problem you know is when you identify with the person that you
were in uh whether it was in your depression or in your in your uh recovery or you know wherever you
identify you’re typically going to kind of lean back into that so I would like
to end up somewhere where I can truly impact people and show them that you
just because you lived a certain way for x amount of years that doesn’t necessarily write your future you can
let it um but there are plenty of tools and there’s plenty of people to support you to you know to kind of show you that
as hopeless as it feels uh and as insur mountable as it feels and you know some
people just the idea of going through a day without whatever it is that makes
them feel okay is it’s just unimaginable you know and I was definitely one of
those people for a while um so there’s plenty of examples out here of people who lived one way and it would have
killed them but um you know it takes a lot of hard work so just just helping
people to get the work done that needs to be done you know um without
help I would never have made it here there’s no doubt in my mind that I would
either be in prison or or six feet under at this point um if I had kept drinking
that way um you know because I also was a a chronic U I would drink and drive um
you know and it just that I think about how how lucky everyone else was m having
me on the road for years uh and and how lucky I am you know there’s got to be a
way to turn all of this into something good um so maybe it has something to do
with redeeming myself in my own eyes I don’t know you know is just like turn all this this suffering and the pain and
the mistakes and the worry that I’ve been through in the past you know 10 to
15 years of my active addiction and then the last five of my you know struggling
to to reach recovery that’s all got to mean something right like that goes on
my quote unquote resume you know and I come from a place of of personal
experience and I can hopefully uh reach a few people that otherwise would have
gone straight back out and not made it exactly what do you think um are some
good well I guess do you think that the uh prescription of
medication at such a young age for ADD and ADHD is beneficial
useful I mean I know you said that you were spitting out your pills but then it’s like at the same time you know I
can see that you are acknowledging that it’s like you know part of your story yeah I I think um that’s a good question
um obviously there’s no I don’t you know claim to be an expert on on um
psychiatric meds but for me um knowing what I know now and
looking back on how that affected me um I wish that I
hadn’t been placed on medication that early um that being said I think most
people have kind of an innate gut feeling whether or not
something is is working well for them or not um I probably could have tried other
medications at that time and found one that worked and didn’t have the the negative effects um but I had
already kind of made up my mind and and my parents supported me and they said you know you don’t want to take it you
know we’re not going to force you to take medication um uh so and then you look at it from the standpoint of you
know brain development not stopping until how long did you take it before you went off not long probably less than
a year less than a year wow not long yeah it was um it just the physical
ramifications it had on me um you know I’m already on the Slender side and and
it’s you know I wasn’t eating and so uh it didn’t look good it looked almost
like I was being being neglected and that couldn’t have been further from the truth my parents were wonderful um
so you know everybody’s different um I’m not going to tell a parent who’s got a
child who’s struggling um in the way that I was not to try everything um but
listen to your kids you know uh always listen to to their own take on it
because it may be a fourth grader but they know how they feel you know and
they they know what’s uh negatively imp from a from a medication standpoint
uh you’re not the one taking the medication so if your child doesn’t feel like it’s something that’s healthy for
them um maybe try something else um so that’s my personal take on on just at
that age like you said um it’s hard seems all right I think any younger than that is like yeah you can’t really
advocate for yourself right yeah any younger than that and I wouldn’t have and I was a little afraid to advocate
for myself obviously because I never told my parents I was hiding the pills in the that’s true yeah you were doing it secret I was sort of I was sort of
just like I don’t think so but they had I guess the foresight to be able to tell like hey this guy doesn’t want to take
these yeah yeah and you know my it wasn’t that I was necessarily like I had
a lot of anger problems I I was in Anger Management as well which is another thing that comes along with ADHD is um
it’s hard to stabilize your mood when when you’re constantly you’ve got one side of your brain that’s telling you
that you have to get all these tasks accomplished or you know at that age it was more like uh you know I got to go
talk to that girl or you know or whatever whatever it you know is going on in my fourth grade mind or fifth
grade mind um I the anger issues you know just not
being able to control or regulate myself um and not being accepted by the
world that’s kind of the message that I was sent uh was that there was something wrong with me you know uh and
I you know and then the medications didn’t work and I thought well then I’m just it’s me you know know I’ve got to
be somehow there’s a broken part or something uh and when people would point that out I would get in fights uh you
know I was not a not a big fan of bullies and um so I ended up in Anger
Management and suspended a couple times for for fighting and um I kind of pushed
myself out of a few different friend circles before I found a place that I fit uh and and even then you know I just
never really felt like I was part of that group um like they accepted
me but you know what I mean it was it felt like it was like a big grudging
acceptance like all right he’s cool enough there’s something off but you know we’ll let him stay um so it was a
lot of that growing up you know and then again when when you find you know I found marijuana at 13 and um that was
terrible for me uh because it just made me so the procrastination just went through the roof you know nothing got
done um so I I am also one of those people that I’m naturally I I crave
healthy foods you know so I think there’s something mentally about me knowing I’m taking care of myself that
has whether it’s a placebo effect or not it’s an effect yeah uh you know if I am
going through the motions of taking care of my body and my mind is it helping probably is it
helping as much as I feel like it is who knows uh I think a lot of it is just
that the idea that I’m living a healthy life makes me feel good um
so whether or not it legitimately is making me healthier um you know my
cholesterol looks great so I can’t argue with the healthy food part um but yeah a
lot of it I think is is tricking yourself and and living in a way that that your mind responds to
um I do believe that that there’s you know a pretty strong correlation between between uh you know when you have a a
craving for something like candy you know that your body is telling you something um so listen to it in a lot of
ways you know if I if I the fact that I don’t crave Donuts um I think a lot of
that has to do with at the time when I was an alcoholic you know I never really like sweets because alcohol just turns
to sugar in your body so I had plenty of sugar um but uh yeah I mean this the
mental health is just so complicated it’s a really big issue it’s so
complicated do you think your uh addiction came for what it sounds like
you think that the mental health led to the addiction did you think the addiction led to the mental health um I
think that they both um I think they both kind of grew up together uh I really do I think that
I’m now able to draw the parallels because my first addictions were lying uh stealing you you know those
things again anything that made me feel different um lying made me feel
different because I could make up this world you know whatever the lie was um
and usually it was to uh make myself look cool you know and in front of other kids I would lie about something I did
that weekend or or whatever um you know and stealing I don’t really that one was
not really as prevalent but they kind of went hand inand it made me feel I got an adrenaline rush from it you know you know so I was kind of taking advantage
of my brain’s chemical centers at that point it’s like you don’t even really know why you’re doing it you know you
feel a certain way when you do it and so I just kept doing it you know and so I
really just I feel like I was always I know it started with with that and then it was video games um reading was I had
an addiction to reading um I was a complete and still am admittedly a bit of a nerd you know I I in a good I say
that in the most loving way um I uh yeah I read I would read five books a week at
at my Peak you know thousands of pages a week all just fantasy science fiction stuff because it put me in a different
world you know it took me out of and I had to focus the entirety of my my uh my
attention had to be on this thing that makes a lot of sense you have a good vocabulary thank you I’m just like yeah
yeah oh from the reading yeah yeah yeah absolutely it’s you know and then things
like you know I was on a dart team for a while and it’s you know all all the things that I did Growing Up were like accuracy based because it takes it took
all my concentration so all the noise Fades away right so the the ADHD
chirping the all the different thoughts when I’m setting up for a pitch in baseball I have to focus on my grip I
have to focus on you know the batter and his positioning and and what he’s responded to in the past you know
there’s all these little things going on in my mind how to that that kind of dictate
how I’m going to throw that pitch or when I’m playing darts I have to focus on throwing that one Dart you know it’s
it’s therapeutic to do things for me that uh that take all of my focus because it silences things it silences
the rest of it uh and that is um it’s loud you know most of the time it’s very
loud so um even something like doing the dishes is is therapeutic for me you know
gardening I all those all those little things you know so so meditation is especially hard for me um it’s one of
those things that I struggle to force myself to do and I think that that’s where the value lies gets better and
better yeah yeah it’s like when you first start you’re just like what the hell was that it’s I know I close my
eyes and then I open them right I just spent five minutes thinking about how I’m frustrated because I’m not doing
something you know um and then there’s moments where uh where it just clicks
where the meditation goes really well and I’m just I just happen to be in that right place I got all the answers I need
yeah I’m like how did I do that you know and then I want to go okay well what did I eat this like I want to recreate that
situation I never think about that I’m like well that maybe the food has something to do with it I think about that I’m like did I not have coffee what
time to go to sleep you know why am I like why do I feel so good right now you know because that is the I know I I
can’t feel this way all the time like I used to because like in the first you
know I’m not going to of course lie about it but in the first 5 to 10 years of my drinking career I was having a
great time you know anyone who says that they weren’t is lying you you had there a reason you were doing it great time I
had so much fun you know until that all ended and I was like oh I can’t stop doing this even though it’s no longer
fun and it’s killing me you know um but yeah for a long time it was it was a ton
of fun um but it wasn’t real you know and I think that’s what has to has to be the
in the in the Forefront of my brain is that it is not it’s artificial I’m putting artificial dopamine in my brain
and my body and you know yeah sure while while that’s there awesome but then when I
come down from that you know the hangover of just being depleted of
dopamine and of course dehydrated and all the other things um you know you
start to teach your brain that it doesn’t really have to when you when you’re basically guzzling uh you know
synthetic dopamine all day or snorting it or how whatever it is you’re doing um
you’re forcing your brain to create an amount of dopamine that it normally could never create and then when you
take all that away you dip way below the Baseline um so I mean hence the the high
relapse rate no one wants to feel that way um that’s what detox is that’s what with is you know you you’re it’s part of
it there’s a lot more that goes into withdrawal than just the dopamine but um you know you’ve basically handicapped
your brain’s chemical centers at that point uh and of course you feel depressed of course you know you taught
you taught your body to operate at a level of you know all these happy chemicals that is just so
unrealistic uh so yeah normal life feels horrible now because you’re not way up
here uh so I I I think that there’s a a
spiritual and a and a scientific way to look at this and I think they both go hand inand I think that finding a higher
power and you know if that is something that um helps you get through the day
and helps you you know um give some of that worry away and and give some of
that that burden away then go for it you know whatever works for you uh it just
can’t be the same old thing um um and if
you’re somebody who struggles with ADHD as well uh I highly recommend um you
know getting into routine but not too much routine because again the novelty
the newness um there’s also a a line drawn between uh people with ADHD and
pattern recognition um we recognize patterns very easily and when we do that’s typically when that thing becomes
less valuable to us um so if I recognized let’s say that my job was the
same every day right which is I could never be a 9 to5 off office worker and
you know do data entry all day because once I recognize the pattern in it I can predict the next 10 years of my life if
I stay on that job and that will never work for me you know I have to be able
to there needs to be some sort of uh adaptation going on every day um and so
yeah so the great thing about this job is that there’s new there’s new the cor every there surprises every um uh yeah
so I mean all of this stuff fascinates me the the I can find for myself because
I have really gotten to know myself in the past five years I can I can draw correlation
between my bad mood and the things that I did to really more or less not allow
it because sometimes you can’t control everything right that’s that’s another thing is the acceptance that you can’t
control everything um but uh learning how to at the very
least put myself in the best possible position to not have to have days like
you know like yesterday for for the few hours that I felt so just so kind of drained yeah you know trying to avoid
those moments as much as possible and if you can’t because you can’t always uh having people around you or having the
ability to call people um and not just the ability but the act the willingness
to call people uh who can help you through that you know that period in time you know and sometimes it’s a
couple hours sometimes it’s 15 minutes sometimes it’s 5 minutes uh sometimes it’s 10 seconds of you know I’d really
like to go back to my old life you know but I’m when I’m thinking about that
when I’m thinking about going back to my old life I’m only thinking about like a glimpse of it you know that that moment
in the day where Everything feels good you know one of the good days you know but the majority of it uh I I know the
majority of it is is like a hellscape yeah you know um but uh yeah from a
mental health standpoint for me today um I still struggle I mean I still
struggle but I’m aware of everything now I think it’s the self-awareness um
and not blaming myself and not you know not feeling like I’m a failure
because I felt off today and not feeling like I am devalued because I didn’t
accomplish all my tasks today you know just sort of coming face to face with my
own humanity and realizing that I’m not perfect and that days aren’t going to be perfect and that um at the bare minimum
as long as I’ve stayed on the path that I’m on and I’m heading the right
direction if I took 10 steps in the right direction yesterday and I took one today I’m still so much better off than
I was you know so it’s the perspective it’s you know it’s so much yeah
perspective of uh yeah looking at uh looking at life from through the correct
lens um you know which is you know this is a real lens you know my life today is
is the lenses there there isn’t one you know before it was the rose-colored
glasses because I was drunk drunk all the time and I was using all the time and you know that wasn’t real I was looking at life through the lens of
addiction and alcoholism um and now I don’t have uh I don’t have a filter on
it anymore um and there’s a
um it’s painful sometimes when you’re not where you want to be but again it’s
it’s I think the patience and the and and the perspective of where I was versus where I am versus where I’m
headed um and you know sometimes that’s
not enough for people um right now it’s enough for me uh I’m able to to shoe
away those super negative you know existential thoughts uh pretty
effectively uh when I’m and I’m still unmedicated you know I take nothing for ADHD MH uh so I mean I take some things
you know theanine you know I take some things yeah vitamins fish oil and and
zinc and all those things that that were told uh vitamin D that that uh that help
with they help with you know a lot of things but specifically the ones that I I’ve been told help with you know memory
and focus and mood stability and all those things um you know I I I do what I can like I said whether it’s a placebo
effect I or not I don’t know but um it’s keeping me on the straight and narrow uh
at the moment so nice yeah um where we at with time hour five hour five uh I
remember you said that you were going to want you wanted to talk about some of the ad I remember you’re like I for
you’re doing something like that is there anything else that you wanted to cover basically yeah I wrote a couple
things just because I knew I would forget something um
well yeah I mean so one of the other um one of the
other things I think that for me that um the ADHD we need to focus on because I feel
like we focused a lot on the negative sides of it and the things that kind of
um predispose us to substance use um I read somewhere recently it was a recent
study I can’t remember the website that I was on but um that 50% of adults who
have uh long-term ADHD because sometimes people will have ADHD as children and it
doesn’t really continue on into adulthood um so for those of us who have
um ADHD that continues on into adulthood 50% of those people on average have had
struggles with substance abuse in the past wow 50% of adults that’s that’s a
that’s a huge number it’s yeah it’s it is massive um so when I
um you know they say to look at the similarities not the differences that’s one of the the you know there’s a lot of
a lot of uh sort of what you would assume or they sound like cliche lines that you hear in and out of the rooms of
you know Na and AA and uh all these different support groups they all have you know sayings and there’s a reason
that they uh say them uh so often and they keep coming back to them because eventually if you stick around long
enough you start to realize that most of them are true and um you know so the similarities that I look for now is you
know it comes from a standpoint of how can I most effectively help you know the client that I’m working with or the
group if it’s a group you know if we’re doing group therapy or running a group how how do I reach as many people as
possible because there’s going to be on any given day you know 10 people that
just aren’t having a good day or they’re not really ready to hear this or um they’re not engaged or looking at
their phone or whatever it is so obviously you know the numbers are what
they are the statistics of of mental health and um and substance abuse and
the chances of someone staying sober after their first attempt or second or you know I don’t like to bring those up
because they’re discouraging numbers um they can be but when it comes to you know talking
to a group of people and looking at the statistic of you know okay so 50% of
people who uh who have adulthood ADHD um or adult ADHD uh have dealt with
substance abuse so if I’m looking at a room of people let’s say there’s 20 people there the chances of there being
30% % of that room that struggle with the same thing you know I do want to touch on some of that because I could
possibly there’s there’s there I remember there being many aha moments throughout my treatment center uh uh I
don’t want to call it a career but um the times that I spent in the uh the rehab roulette if you will just in and
out just trying to figure out what I was missing um you know because the information was always there more or
less the information provided at the treat different different treatment centers I went to was the same it was
the presentation that was different so when it comes to speaking to a group of
people about addiction and the way that it relates to mental health and the way that ADHD plays a part into it I try to
present it in a way that I like to use analogies I like to use visual you know
because it helps me um and I I have seen that it helps other people too because
it’s a lot of these ideas are very abstract so when you can kind of give some sort of analogy that makes sense to
people um hopefully you get that aha moment um so you know obviously I don’t
just focus on ADHD in my groups it’s it’s I but I try to work it into every group um and I don’t always say this is
what we’re you know oh this is where it comes from ADHD because I don’t want to diagnose people uh you know in a group
but uh I do like to focus on the the
reward center issue um you know so if your dopamine is naturally lower than the rest of the the
society you know typically if you have ADHD your your dopamine levels are um at a
deficit um so that affects all of those things including your your reward center
so when I do a task like um fold my laundry right I get a much larger reward
from that from that simple task than most people do um it just doesn’t last
very long long and and the executive dysfunction part is it’s nearly
impossible for me to to initiate a task like that to actually begin to do it to
you know just getting up out of my chair and and starting that task uh is painful it’s hard for me to do it’s the last
thing I want to do so in how that relates to um to mental health and substance abuse is especially with
depression because depression is already your your everything is underwhelming
there’s when you’re depressed there’s very little that can motivate you and
you know make you feel excited to go out and do this thing especially when it’s mundane tasks um so when you when you’re
sort of battling on two fronts with the ADHD the depression maybe there’s some substance abuse in there as well how do
we get people who have no Reward Center and no motivation due to depression um
and they’re early recovery maybe so they’re already either they’re in withdrawal or they’re in postacute uh
which lasts sometimes up to six months um it’s very difficult to get those
people to work for their own you know because at that point you have to work
for those chemicals to to come out you have to get in the gym you have to if you want to have feel-good chemicals you
to take in that point you have to take action um and none of it’s ever going to feel good at first you know the actual
getting ready to go to the gym is not going to feel good you’re depressed you’re you know you’re withdrawing whatever it is um so getting people
to um realize that they are going to have to work for their recovery they’re
going to have to physically get up and legitimately walk out the door and go search for that recovery whether it’s at
a meeting or whether it’s for that day whether it’s in the gym you know just whatever it takes to to keep them sober
that day and get them into the next uh sober uh those are the things that I try
to motivate people to do um and I’ve Gotten Good at it because I had to learn
how to motivate myself to do it and I am a very stubborn person when I don’t feel good and I don’t want to do something I
used to find so many excuses not to do it um you know and or not even find an
excuse I just wouldn’t I just wasn’t reliable um so uh it’s really I think one of those
one of the big ones is is focusing on how do we activate this person’s Reward Center how do we because if they’re not
being medicated um and in most cases people
will have tried some type of ADHD medication um but for addicts um you
know we don’t want to put an amphetamine in your system um if you’re um you know
if you’re a math adct we don’t want you on an amphetamine every day that’s not going to be you know here’s here’s some
Aderall um so although they will try they will try they will 100% you know
and there they they don’t do I know that when I was in my in my addiction I didn’t it was never personal I was never
trying to harm anybody yeah you know when I went out and you know disappointed people because I relapsed
you know it was never my intention to hurt anybody else I just wanted to feel okay for that day um um you know and
that’s where I had I had pigeon hold my Reward Center in alcohol and drugs
that’s the only place I could activate it at that time I had pretty much it was dead to the rest of existence for me at
that time um so I mean if if you are struggling with ADHD if you’re somebody
who struggles with substance abuse with depression all of that um it is an uphill battle it’s there’s a lot of um
moving parts and you kind of have to come out of from multiple angles you can’t there’s really no there’s no you
know way to combat all three of those things uh with just a pill you know
there’s no rin’s not going to do it uh you know it may help but you’re going to
have to there’s a there’s layers to this whole thing you know the foundation again of you need to take action you
have to take action you have to uh put yourself in in healthy uncomfortable
situations um that allow you to grow and allow you to build confidence in yourself uh and walk through the fears
you know because fear is one of the most in my in my opinion fear was one of the
biggest motivating factors in all my relapses was fear of being sober It Was Fear of you know because i’ I’ve seen
everything that alcoholism can give me um I’ve literally explored every single corner of alcoholism I know exactly what
it what it provides for me um what I don’t know what I haven’t explored fully
is is sobriety is you know is meditation is Yoga is I haven’t there’s all these
things that I have available to me that I could explore that could give me a life beyond my wildest dreams and it
could completely change the way that my that I view mental health and that you know that I operate in the world and it
and it is you know all these I’m I’m at the beginning of the process but I’m seeing like real palpable like uh you
know results uh from the actions that I’ve taken and um yeah it’s taken a lot of
sacrifice and a lot of hard decisions and uh sad days and and but it’s it’s
part of the process and um it’s become probably my greatest source of
Pride um is is what I’ve had to to you
know really choose to do it wasn’t that I was I wasn’t put through this by anybody but but myself you know no one
ever forced me to go to treatment no one ever forced me to to look at my to to
look at my trauma to look at my um my ADHD um and also a lot of people
kind of poooo the ADHD idea you know it’s very under it’s it’s I think it’s
under researched um underfunded uh and I think that it’s not
given its fair share of weight uh because especially you know looking at
it from the standpoint of sure it might not be the the only source of your problems but when we’re trying
to combat you know suicide rates and uh
and relapse rates and all those things again there’s no one fix we have
to look at every reason that these people are beh behaving the way that they’re behaving uh in self harm and in
um you know because at a certain point once you’ve learned enough about your addiction and your alcoholism that
becomes self harm as well when you’re no longer enjoying yourself and you do it because you’re dependent on it um you
know you’re harming yourself yeah uh so uh I I do wish that there was more time
spent on that subject um uh on the subject of ADHD in Rel relation to you
know the sobriety and the recovery world because there are fewer options for
people who are addicts like I said we can’t we don’t want to put them on amphetamine so what do we do you know
where does the conversation go from there um how do we help these people that have these executive dysfunction
issues and you know all of it makes recovery and uh and mental health issues
that much more difficult to deal with um so I just wish there was more uh I wish
there was more research I wish there were more options from from a from a uh
uh pharmaceutical standpoint you know something a little bit less I know that there’s non-stimulants
likea makes them feel bad yeah it do feel like horrible yeah yeah you know we’re creating these modafanil I’ve I’ve
heard good stuff about I’ve heard that it’s like a little bit gets you going a
little bit too much still yeah still somebody tell me I thought it wasn’t a stimulant I don’t know
I mean it’s not as bad as ader all and um you know but it’s still bad yeah it’s
still it’s still something yeah I mean any anything like you know like we’ve talked about anything that anything that
I can use as a crutch um and if it if it creates uh you know if it creates
synthetic dopamine or real dopamine or whatever you want to call it uh I’m probably going to abuse it yeah uh yeah
oh for sure yeah most likely um so
kind of you I saw I don’t know if this is appropriate but I saw a a sweater the other day it said raw dogging
life and it was a it was in in uh relation to to sobriety you know and
that’s really kind of what it it just made me laugh because I’m like yeah that’s like you know that’s why the uh
the days sometimes can feel that tough it’s like you know I don’t I drink coffee but I don’t smoke cigarettes I
don’t Vape you know I don’t smoke I don’t smoke weed I don’t I don’t drink
uh you know none of it and and you know that I have asthma so it’s not like it was all on Willpower
alone but um you know so it’s I have to I really feel that I have to and maybe
I’m forced more than most people to find Alternatives um and I get that right now
I have it uh I get it from people and I get it from um from the exercise and from uh and from learning about about
how what works with me it’s really kind of an interesting I wish there was more
um I wish that I had like an ability to kind of record data on you know on
myself over the past few years and you know you ever W like wish you could kind of look back on a period of your life
kind of from the outside looking in and really be able to like see what you were doing and and what worked and what
didn’t uh because it’s been such a whirlwind the last five years uh it’s hard to
know what uh what contributed to my mental health and sobriety uh and what
and what didn’t um so all I know now is
uh is that I’m blessed to be where I’m at um
I’m still I’m I’m actually considering looking into taking a medication for the
ADHD uh at this point and because I feel secure in my sobriety and I feel like if
there’s any adverse effects uh I could you know back off of it now I’m not
talking about the amphetamines I don’t know no not talking
about the amphetamine so the tra or what is the V I don’t think Moda is an amphetamine okay is Vance yeah it is
okay then no wance I mean there yeah it’s it’s not NE necessarily amphetamine
but there’s just like there’s levels right just the name yeah it’s stimulant yes there’s level stimulant I wouldn’t
uh yeah I don’t think it’s for me you know I was never again alcohol was my
thing um and cocaine so but but much more alcohol than than the other and
uh I would be a little worried about what might come of you know me taking a
stim what do you think about that in recovery like I guess prescription basically amphetamines in
recovery I mean I know that it’s like it’s probably you know one of those shame on you situations in the rooms but
I know the rooms have kind of changed a little bit you know I people say that about things like suboxin too yeah but
suboxin is like saving so many people’s Liv I know I can’t I there’s no part of me that can look at suboxin and be like
yeah shame on you like there’s you know that’s espe so effective absolutely Fen is just
killing everybody yeah I mean and I know people that have been on on suboxin for eight years you know and they’ve got a
healthy family and they’re and they’re living life you know and yeah of course it’s you’re going to go through detoxes
if if you can’t you know all of a sudden you run out or you know that’s the the one really the one big drawback um or if
you abuse it you know which is which there is the I I think the only reason that there would be a shame on you as if
it’s something that you can abuse and you do abuse um if you’re not abusing it and you are you know obviously
not recreationally uh you know you’re not you’re not getting some type of what I
would consider a high from it and you’re just living life and you’re just all of a you know all of a sudden things are
manageable for you again and you’re able to be a good father and you’re able to be you know a good husband or brother or
son um then no I mean no one should shame you for for taking what works for
you if you’re not abusing it and if it doesn’t feel to you because again we all kind of have a gut feeling we know when
we’re doing something we shouldn’t be doing yeah uh so if that’s not you then then no don’t let anybody tell you to oh
you’re on you’re on an amphetamine you know how you know how’s that working for you since you did meth for 10 years you
know um no I think I think that uh whatever you can do to put one of these
many puzzle pieces into place place that that we need to that we need to put into place for all this to work and gel it’s
about life Improvement ultimately at the end of the day it’s not about like don’t do this or that it’s just about like
moving forward and getting better right what do you think about um I know it’s kind of I don’t know did
you ever smoke uh Cannabis weed I did yeah from did that help with your ad to you know mostly I would say
no I mean from okay so from the standpoint of did it help me slow down
the the rapid fire thoughts for sure um but in a much more uh in a much more
real sense or or in the sense that uh you know did it did it help
me accomplish much no probably not and the
only place I would say that there was a positive for me was like in the gym like when I was a smoker yeah no I can relate
absolutely yeah when I was smoking weed I was uh I would stay in the gym for like two hours at a time you can get way
closer to failure if you’re uh for some reason I don’t know what it is if you smoke you can get really close to
failure it’s the dissociation you’re like I’m not even in my body yeah uh so I would say that you
know and um I mean I didn’t take I don’t think
that I ever took I mean the second I touched alcohol we was all of a sudden weed was done you know I didn’t have the
desire and also at the level at which I drank the second I would touch weed you
know I’m throwing up and I’m you know because it just it was too much you know I it was just too much I couldn’t do
both um so yeah it it never once I
became aware of and also once I had more responsibility you know it was one thing to to be a stoner when you’re 13 to 18
you’re not dealing with anything yeah once right once the bills came in and and uh
you know I’m paying rent or you know oh I wouldn’t get anything done if I was no
uhuh I mean I want so I wanted to be a chef for a while too and uh so of course you know I was smoking weed and I was do
chefs smoke weed do a lot of Chef weed I don’t probably I mean So Co cocaine is
more more prevalent in the kitchens for sure just based on the hours they have to work um but I have a lot of Chef
friends uh a couple in sobriety um that are really really really good friends and um I miss them you know this I think
the more I think about somoma the more it’s like man you know I I actually said
posted something about this I think yesterday and uh and I said you know sometimes I miss my old life and it’s
not because of the things I did it’s because of the people I got to spend my time with uh you know regardless of
their uh their current status as far as as far as sobriety goes you know um
nobody has to be be in my opinion for me nobody has to be sober to be somebody I
love you know somebody that I consider family um unfortunately when you get
sober it creates a rift um an unavoidable Rift between uh between
people who are just not comfortable really having the dialogue about it with
you um it’s not that they it’s for some people it’s maybe it makes them look too
much about at at themselves about maybe maybe I should do what what Dax is doing
or for some uh for others they’re just normies they they are they’re able they’re able to keep up with all of
their their UH responsibilities and with family and and it doesn’t affect them the way that it affect me uh so it’s
hard for them to understand um and I think a lot of people have that problem with uh with their families um so myself
included you know again I’m the only addict or alcoholic in my family so it took a lot of time a lot of you know
luckily I I do have parents that uh did some research and they tried to understand and they didn’t just write me
off parents were really like good with you guys because like they were like sounds like not all parents will like
listen like that yeah I mean my dad my dad was I would say my dad was a heavy
drinker but he was always functional um and that didn’t last for he I don’t
think he drinks he probably doesn’t drink much at all now I mean he’s old he’s like late he’s in his late 70s now
but um yeah I mean you know and my mom my mom told me the other day that she is
almost she she stopped drinking about a year ago and she never told me this and I’m over here like no wonder she didn’t
tell me cuz that’s like a that’s a flex you know I’m over here struggling to stay sober and my mom just puts it down
for a year and I’m like geez so I found that out the other day and I was like wow that’s like incredible like for me
that’s incred how how could you do that and I thought about it I’m like the way that I look at
like my surprise and my like you know looking at how difficult it was and is
for me to stay sober um and she does it right like that is probably the same way
that somebody like you know my dad doesn’t understand why I you know for a
while he didn’t understand he does now but for a while he really just didn’t understand why I couldn’t just stop mhm
um and he never said that to me you know um he told my mother that and and you
know my mom would go cuz my dad and I we I love my dad he is uh an
absolute um I mean the guy’s a legend he just really is he’s he’s LED an
incredibly uh adventurous um he’s got a good story to tell uh which I think all
of us kind of St at at a certain point some of us or want to strive to to to
have a good story to tell you know when it’s all over that’s that’s one of my goals um but he just didn’t understand
uh addiction and alcoholism and my mom over the years I’ve sent them videos
like this kind of explains it and and um and it’s okay that you know he and I
don’t talk about it because he’s it’s it’s actually kind of nice um because I
talked to my mother about all of the all the issues uh but my dad is just he’s
just my dad you know and we just he tells me he loves me and and that you
know he hopes I’m healthy and hopes that I’m you know moving towards success and
that’s all it has to be right it doesn’t have to be this long you know oh I I understand what you’re going through you
know um so it’s nice there’s a there’s a little bit of a I don’t want to have to
speak with every single person that I know in my life about how’s the variety going you know and and why did you do
this and why you know so it’s nice to have have somebody who we just don’t even really have to address it you know
he knows I’m working on on my recovery and on my future and that’s all he needs
to know you know as long as I’m sober he’s happy uh because he does know that
whatever the reason that I can’t stay sober he does know that it’s incredibly dangerous if I drink um do you have any
uh I’m kind of running out of time here a little bit do you have any uh final thoughts um yeah I would just say that if um if
you’re somebody who is who is struggling with mental health and um whether that’s
co-occurring with substance abuse or ADHD or not um try different things uh
you know don’t pigeon hole yourself into you know if the pills don’t work this is
I’m screwed I’m stuck in this in this you know mindset none of the medications work because I do know people who um
they truly believe believe that the only their their savior can only be a pharmaceutical that they’re going to
take a pill and it’s going to fix them and what I would say to you is feel free
to try those things but there are other options um lifestyle changes in my
opinion have been for me much more effective than any pill I’ve ever taken
um one of the lifestyle changes that I made was uh to I mean there all the ones
mentioned right was you know making sure that my basic needs were taken care of I know that sounds simple but you’d be
surprised how many people don’t drink enough water and how that affects you um
but more so than that um was I used to live strictly for me what I could gain
for myself how do I further my own agenda today um and the problem with
that is that you end up living right here and if you have an issue
right here if you have depression if you have anxiety if you have if you’re already dealing with mental health issues you kind of don’t want to live in
here too much because um it’s only going to make that that issue a little bit louder for you so when I started giving
my time to help other people um and whether that needs to be a career change for you or um or just go volunteer if
you already have a career um it changed I don’t know how or why uh but just
working with other people and giving my time to other people um changed the way that I think about life and it changed
how seriously I take myself um and it quieted my ego um I mean it just it just
helps it helps to get get outside of yourself you know stop worrying so much
about uh are you going to make a million dollars this year or you know if you are
great good for you you know but uh from from the standpoint of being happy on a
daily basis um and dealing with uh substance abuse as well just try to be
of service to other people um and if you can pair that with a healthy exercise
routine um you know obviously eat right try the medications that your doctor uh
prescribes to you but um do a lot to work on self-awareness you know um try
to try to look objectively at yourself and be honest with yourself about the things that need to change um and know
that there are a ton of people that can help you with that uh and that you don’t
it doesn’t have to be all on you and uh above all you’re not a failure
you know there’s nothing wrong with having with having struggles you know
it’s it’s everybody everyone around you don’t look at Instagram they’ve all got
you know these perfect versions of their fairy tale lives on there and that is not the reality everybody is struggling
with something um so yeah be vocal about it ask for help and and and explore all
the options yeah yeah awesome man well thank you for coming on thank you so much
