0:00 hi my name is Rachel from straight jacket podcast I’m Jeff from Mental Health Resource and I’m Jenna I’m a counselor
0:07 at trust SoCal and I try to specialize in um women and addicts with self-esteem
0:16 issues and um having self-compassion
0:21 perfect um so I guess let’s start off uh what brought you into the mental health
0:28 Arena so um I believe that I struggled with
0:34 mental health from an early age however I grew up in a family where um going to
0:40 a therapist going to a doctor um it was it was like frowned
0:46 upon and um they finally my Mom finally did take me to a doctor and they
0:52 diagnosed me with a few things um and however whenever we walked out it was
0:57 just kind of like um dismissed and uh so I dealt with my
1:05 mental health for a really long time without really even thinking that I had mental health um if you would have asked
1:11 me a few years ago if I was doing an intake like into a treatment facility
1:17 yeah and you would have asked me if I had mental health issues or depression or anything like that I would told you no um I was very ashamed of it um I
1:26 believe it was a lot more stigmatized back in the day uh uh and I’m I’m more comfortable with it now uh
1:35 you know but it’s become a lot more destigmatized however um I believe whenever it comes to Substance Abuse and
1:42 Mental Health um I believe for me and for a lot of others that the mental
1:48 health started first and a way to kind of quiet those voices would for me
1:55 anyways was to um take drugs yeah um I had anxiety
2:03 and um CPT cptsd um
2:08 add whenever I was younger however did not take anything for it what is
2:13 cpts PS like child PTSD oh okay okay
2:19 um but I like like I said I went to that appointment and then we walked out we never did you know anything else about
2:25 it no followup um they prescrib medication
2:30 you know my mom completely turned that down and where is it that you’re from uh well I grew up in Texas and South
2:38 Georgia St Simon’s Island so um that was pretty like probably culturally the norm
2:45 there MH still very much is yeah um the
2:50 the difference between the acceptance in California and kind of more along here
2:56 and then going back down to the South how I did recently um it’s still very very stigmatized and looked down on
3:03 um it is how I feel with the with the people there
3:10 um so she didn’t even put you in like therapy or anything after that no okay
3:16 no I did do therapy one time as um whenever I was 14 some things happened
3:22 um my my father that raised me since I was
3:27 two didn’t even know he was not my father until I was like eight and I walked in one day and was like Hey you
3:34 know why is my last name different and they were like oh cuz that’s not your real dad you know
3:40 um I believe at that point I started feeling different and um yeah let’s start off
3:48 with like your story I guess from the beginning of like yeah what started affecting you with mental health okay I
3:54 just like I guess probably the good a good first question would be to start it
4:00 when is the first time that you felt like you might have been struggling with mental
4:06 health so um I don’t remember what age I was in
4:12 but I remember in Middle School um I I didn’t know anything about
4:18 depression or anxiety back then um but I did try to um you know take my own life
4:26 in Middle School by swallowing a bunch of pills not really shared that with people
4:34 um so I guess that would maybe be the first time that I noticed it but I was like really naive um was it like an
4:41 impulsive thing or did you had you thought it through it had been something that I’ve
4:48 been thinking on for a while um growing up like it was weird I never thought I
4:53 would make it to like 13 then I I just never thought that I would live long I just had like these crazy thoughts in my
5:00 head that never stopped so um yeah I I I did that in Middle
5:08 School um I would say though uh from working with my therapists at the first
5:14 time that like I started to feel like I was different from other people would have been whenever I walked into that
5:20 room and I asked um you know why my last name was
5:25 different um from that point forward like I really I felt different than my
5:31 brother and sister I always had I looked different um I felt like I was treated
5:37 different and um but that just kind of that’s where I
5:42 started to feel like I there was something wrong with me and like I didn’t belong what age was that just uh
5:49 probably nine okay so then before the uh
5:55 bills okay yeah yeah so that was probably about 3 years before before
6:00 before the pills mhm um I started like experimenting with stuff really young I
6:06 got caught in fourth grade with alcohol at school got suspended
6:13 um I had really terrible anxiety on my life uh so
6:19 at 14 my friend’s mom gave me um one of her anxiety pills and I felt like that’s
6:27 what I had been missing for like my life wife and um she also started me on the
6:35 opiates and it just kind of took off from there um anything that I could do
6:40 to not have to deal with what was going on inside of my head um and that’s
6:47 something that it’s very hard to like work through because it never quiets down um
6:55 and through doing different things um staying
7:02 sober and working with a therapist um and then also getting to know myself um
7:09 because since I was younger like I’ve always had somebody to tell me what I was supposed to do yeah and then I got
7:16 into relationships that would last long times where they basically had all
7:22 control so I had no idea who I was what I wanted what I enjoyed um
7:30 and so I got I tried to get sober my four my first time 14 years ago so I was
7:36 24 I had never heard of rehab before that um I had been 5150 a few times MH before
7:45 that um and
7:51 um but I I still did not take take it seriously I still really I I knew that
7:58 there was something wrong with me but I thought it might be the drugs at that point because I was pretty pretty deep in so I went into treatment at
8:05 24 and um I ended up getting eight and 1 half months clean however um I did zero
8:13 work on the inside so all of those things that I was still struggling with before I got sober they were all there
8:21 like you know I probably had a good first month and I was like on cloud n
8:27 and then there comes you know the depression the anxiety the um not being able to pay
8:36 attention just it does I believe it makes it a little bit more difficult um whenever
8:42 you’re trying to get sober however it is possible because if I’m sitting here today then it’s possible um but it’s
8:49 taken me a long time to get
8:55 here um at 24 when I first went to treatment
9:00 if you asked me do you have trauma um was anything ever done to you or
9:06 whatever you know the questions that that you asked um I would have said no I
9:12 would have said I was completely I did not think that any of those things bothered me I was always taught to just
9:18 like pick yourself back up and keep going um what I’ve learned is that even
9:25 if you’re like a professional stuffer like I was um it stays with you and it’s going to
9:33 come back until you process it and deal with it
9:40 um and processing and dealing with things in sobriety is completely different than
9:47 something happening whenever I’m I’m using when I’m using you know my I had
9:57 um about 14 and a half months sober and my 18-month-old niece
10:02 drown um this is back in 2019 and um I immediately I immediately
10:10 relapsed um I don’t think I cried over that for a couple of years you know I
10:16 was able to get myself through it per se yeah um but not deal with it yeah not
10:22 deal with it and so that’s one that’s one thing I’m really big about is like
10:28 you know when I when I’m talking to people and I see the reluctance like I
10:33 had you know just letting them know that like just because you have I thought that having trauma made you weak or
10:40 having I just did not want to come off weak um the places where I was in my
10:47 addiction I would have been swallowed up if I would have came off weak so um
10:52 whenever I see that reluctance and others I do try to let them know like
10:58 that that’s at least for me it was a normal feeling to feel like it doesn’t bother me I don’t need to talk about it
11:04 why bring this up um it’s not a big deal and just completely shut it down
11:15 um I would say though my first time really processing something um in the
11:21 right in the correct way uh in this past 18 months of sobriety would
11:27 be uh I had a roommate that passed away in my
11:33 house um it was very traumatic uh for the
11:38 people who were there and like we’re trying to give CPR and Naran and everything and um I
11:45 just knew the guy was coming back from the hospital and uh when he
11:51 didn’t um it took me a minute like everyone else was crying I was more in shock I believe I also think it threw me
11:58 back to some sometimes in my past where those things have happened before but
12:03 they they had always made it and I was always using so it didn’t bother me as much I don’t believe but um having to
12:11 process through that and not um and you still were trying to come
12:18 to work yeah during that which I was like oh my goodness you guys actually sent me home the first day um because I
12:26 don’t know what to do as a normal person you know out of my 38 years of
12:31 living I’ve had a few periods of sobriety but I’ve used for probably a
12:38 solid at least like 20 years 20 maybe
12:45 19 so um so how did you deal with
12:51 that I I talked about it to everyone that
12:59 would listen I talked to my therapist um but I also I had a lot of support from
13:05 everyone at work um but I talk to everyone I talked so much about it until
13:12 when it came up I was like I don’t I don’t want to talk about it cuz I don’t need to talk about it
13:19 um so it was a lot of just like being open and vulnerable about how I’m really
13:26 feeling um I used to be scared that if I said to someone hey I feel like [ __ ] I
13:33 want to relapse um that it would ultimately make it come true so I would always keep that like to
13:39 myself um however I’ve learned that if you open up and you share it it actually
13:46 gives people a chance to maybe say something to you that might change your mind um so talking for me was crucial
13:57 and then um ALS so physical activity physical activity
14:03 for me has been a part an important part of my recovery um exercise mhm exercise any
14:13 anything though like it can be throwing a football out on the beach um anything
14:19 I kind of I like I said I did not know who I was
14:24 for I’ll be honest I don’t think I’m still finding out who I am but I don’t think I even started to really get to
14:31 know myself until about two years ago and I made it like a priority because I wanted to get to know myself so that I
14:39 could be my authentic self and then hopefully get to a point to where I was
14:45 comfortable being my authentic self and I was comfortable if that was not okay with someone else or like if they did
14:51 not like it um so and that’s I do urge that with my
14:58 clients and I try to sit there with them and what I did was I went back and I thought about the things that made me
15:04 happy or brought me peace before drugs and alcohol ever entered my life because
15:13 um after the drugs and alcohol and everything entered that was the only thing that brought me any peace that was
15:19 the only thing that brought me any kind of comfort um I didn’t think that I
15:25 would ever be able to live without drugs so um finding finding what makes you
15:31 happy not it’s not going to be what makes everyone else happy either you know that’s very true and
15:41 um you don’t have to answer all this but um something that I think is a difficult
15:49 topic but also very necessary um what helped you with dealing with your
15:54 Suicidal Thoughts so my is a little extreme
16:02 um so uh I kind
16:08 of dealt with my depression I don’t even know if I I know I was depressed during
16:15 my using you know 1819 around that you know but I just didn’t know what it was
16:21 um but when I was 24 so this is after i’ had gotten eight
16:28 and a half months and my life was like really great and I took that for granted and I relapsed um
16:37 and I was in I I almost lost custody I almost lost custody of my daughter and I
16:44 was going through that and um I was in the bathtub I was alone I was with my
16:50 daughter’s father at the time um but I was alone taking a bath and I had a
16:56 razor uh and anyways he came in
17:01 like I didn’t get to do much he came in and about a month later we got into a
17:07 fight and he did the same thing he my phone died he thought like I
17:12 was breaking up with him or something it was a very very sick relationship just let me put that out there um I wake up
17:20 at 4:00 a.m. to my mom saying I need to go pick up the dog and uh so I’m charging my phone on the way to the
17:26 house and I see these pictures of like his wrist squirting blood everywhere like he’s sending me these pictures I go
17:32 to my house and it looks like a murder scene MH and um so he said he didn’t
17:40 mean to do it um the doctor said 2 cm deeper and they would not have been able to save him wow and um so he admitted
17:48 like I was doing that for attention I wanted you to like come home right then and he almost took himself out that way
17:57 and after that I told myself that no matter how bad it got that that would
18:03 never be my answer um that I would try to deal with it the best way that I knew
18:09 how that I would never do that to my daughter or my family you know um it
18:15 just really scared me MH because I don’t think in that moment in the bathtub that I actually wanted to die I just think I
18:22 don’t I did not know how to deal with those emotions that’s what I think yeah a lot of times it is like people want a
18:29 way out and they think that that’s the answer but there’s so many so many other ways yeah I mean that’s part of why we
18:37 have this podcast you know so they can see there’s so much to do with mental health and so many different
18:43 ways um yeah so with your anxiety how do you
18:50 um deal with that the best I would say the best that I deal with that would be
18:55 my working out okay okay so like um what do you do for that exactly because I
19:01 know you do some classes right yeah um I do spend um I go to the gym and lift
19:09 uh I I do yoga um but sometimes you’re not able to do
19:16 those things or sometimes you get a job and those things Fall by the wayside so
19:21 like they’re always has to be a backup or or some kind of plan and for me like
19:28 I have no I cannot give anyone I wish I could I cannot give anyone like the
19:34 prescription for what to do all I can do is like tell them what I’ve been doing
19:41 what works and what doesn’t cuz it’s been one big like experiment for me um
19:47 and I think it’s going to be different for each person but it’s almost like with the relapse Thing Once I figured
19:53 out that my emotions and my feelings are not
20:00 um my feelings are not facts and it’s not going to stay that way forever um I
20:06 never gave my chance to get myself a chance to get through that before I would always just at the first sign of
20:12 like uncomfortableness I would use and so it’s kind of the same thing I feel like
20:18 with mental health whenever those things arise and
20:23 um and we do do all of the things that we know how to do reach out to friends maybe we go to the gym we get outside we
20:31 try to eat something healthy um you know vitamins there’s vitamins that can help
20:37 also I’ve been reading into that um but not giving up like no matter what
20:45 um because that’s it it might not get better for a minute
20:51 but it’s going to get different at least and um each time that I have not given
20:56 up I will say that that like something good has happened afterwards like when
21:02 I’m at my Woodson and I’m like I don’t before I got this job MH
21:10 um I was I was thinking to myself you know
21:15 and I have others perspective too my mom has you know uh she was wanting me to
21:22 get on disability she’s like I don’t think that you could ever hold like a
21:27 real job um I I did a lot of illegal things like that I was not into a lot of legal
21:33 things whenever I was using so um but I felt like when she told me that
21:39 I felt like if I did that I would be giving up yeah um so right before I got
21:45 this job um I was kind of in the mind state of like because I was I was doing
21:51 all of the things that I could do for my mental health and like I had a nice routine going um um I have a great
21:59 support network here but I was feeling really stagnant and I was starting to
22:05 think that maybe um maybe I wasn’t meant to be sober or maybe like you know I I
22:14 knew that great things happen for other people whenever they stayed sober but I
22:19 just really started to feel like I you know
22:25 um pretty much that like all of my chances were out so like I used to feel like if anything good was going to
22:32 happen it might happen to me yeah I kind of had like the streak of luck and then
22:38 um you know throughout life those things change and I started to feel like
22:45 um you know if this is all that I’m I’m supposed to do if this is like it for me
22:52 I don’t know I was getting really down about it and it was one of those times where usually I would have given up the
22:59 thoughts that were going through my head um I really I mean and I I thought about
23:06 it um but I didn’t and kind of like I said before every time that I end up not
23:13 doing something irrational impulsive lifechanging and like um
23:21 self-destructive which is my pattern always I love to sabotage myself um
23:27 every time I get through something without doing that um something comes out of the other end
23:34 where it’s I’m I’m proven to once again like over and over again that um things
23:41 do work out if you give them the chance to um but for me I think the thing that
23:49 helped me most with my mental health would have been getting to know myself and and starting to accept and try to
23:57 love who I am not who who I think everyone thinks I should be yeah
24:05 um you know I’ve been dealing with that since a kid I think I wanted to fit in but I always felt different so
24:14 um yeah getting to know your authentic self so that you know what works for you and you know what doesn’t what do you
24:20 think um it takes to get to know yourself cuz everyone says personal
24:27 Discovery but it’s like where do you start how yeah
24:33 um that’s a good question so um I guess for me it started with number one the
24:41 intention of wanting to get to know myself yeah um and
24:47 [Music] then I started journaling
24:52 um I started to kind of play around with listening to my intuition more mhm um I
25:00 believe that people who were in like really bad relationships or any kind of trauma like that that sometimes they
25:06 don’t trust their own like decisions yeah their own and I
25:12 understand that whenever it comes to the substance abuse part but whenever it comes to like
25:18 instinct um I believe that’s different so um
25:24 journaling also when I first started um getting sober this past time and since my
25:31 relapse in 2019 if you handed me a filling sheet and asked me to tell you how I was
25:37 feeling I I had I did not know um so I
25:42 kind of like learned the feelings and like the the underlying causes or you you know like
25:50 yeah like for um anger it’s like for sadness um and anger are very tied
25:57 together because so like primary and secondary emotions yeah cuz I I knew I knew none of that I
26:03 couldn’t tell you how I feel felt I didn’t even know like the words to describe
26:10 both sides really happy sad frustrated whatever
26:16 um and then I don’t know it’s it’s a lot of
26:22 work I would say it’s a lot of work because um as a woman getting sober um
26:30 in her later 30s um self-esteem is a huge
26:36 issue uh and
26:41 um a lot of times I wanted to kind of quit on my own path and kind of go fit
26:48 in with some of the other people because it got a little bit lonely there for for
26:53 a minute but um what I learned is um and like I said I’m still I’m still getting
26:59 to know myself um the people
27:05 who um really matter are going to stick in there with
27:11 you and um that’s that’s really what I found throughout this full you know year
27:17 and a half two years of really trying to get to know myself is that the ones that
27:23 didn’t really like me they weeded themselves out and uh I still had a
27:29 pretty a pretty awesome group of people that I can call on at any time and they
27:35 know I’m a little nuts sometimes you know but like we can all
27:40 be they let me get it out and they don’t judge me and um they just accept that
27:45 that’s me and I’ve actually never had that before um not from family not from anyone just to accept like that things
27:52 go on in my head and if I share it um just to accept me and be like well
27:58 that’s that’s just her how can we help you or whatever you know you felt safe to be yourself yeah yeah yeah I think
28:05 that’s huge yeah you need Community to do that as well absolutely and I I just took a trip home
28:12 and um it was a big reminder that
28:20 um that you need the right people around you to be accepted um because I think a
28:26 a lot of my self-esteem issues um might have started from a young age and some
28:33 of the things that I was being told then at 38 years old whenever I just went to go visit I was still being told so um
28:40 you know sometimes you have to step away from unhealthy or at least you know put a boundary up yeah with um some
28:49 unhealthy behaviors es especially from like your loved ones when you’re trying
28:55 to get yourself better because it can every time that I went home before that
29:00 there’s only been one time that I’ve been able to go home and I did not relapse
29:07 um and they may never understand and that’s okay I don’t feel like I have to tell them everything that I’m doing now
29:13 you know I think that acceptance is that like that’s the important part you don’t
29:19 need their validation and approval anymore that’s the difference me and my daughter are talking about that
29:25 acceptance of just letting them be who they are yeah and accepting them for
29:31 them because um some people may never change and they may never know that they need to
29:39 um however being an acceptance of that and being able to put up a boundary has
29:44 been has been really awesome for me um I never thought that I was worth
29:50 putting up a boundary with people um low self-esteem has just been
29:56 like it’s been a tough one for me um I
30:01 was picked on a lot as a kid so I just don’t think that that like left me too much
30:09 but now um getting to sit with other people and
30:18 especially don’t get me wrong I love my men clients too but especially getting to hear from
30:24 women um who just they don’t they don’t get it yet and and I didn’t either but
30:30 getting to see someone who was in the exact same spot that I was in and to be
30:36 able to give them things that hey try it out it might not work for you but this
30:42 is what like this is what I was able to do and to watch you know some of your
30:48 clients do those things and grow and like start to open up to you and um you
30:56 know share with you things that they wouldn’t even you know I did their intake and no trauma no nothing and they
31:05 start to open up and it’s very awesome to see because that’s whenever I believe that the Healing Begins yeah and I’ve
31:12 heard some of your sessions and it’s like wow you sound like you’re a therapist you know like cuz they they
31:19 are opening up to you and it’s cuz creating that safe space for them um
31:25 that’s huge so how is helping helping other people um changed
31:32 you helping other people um so that’s something that I’ve
31:38 actually wanted to do like my whole life I thought that I would be really good at it um however I
31:46 had no I I just thought that I wanted to help people like but um getting to
31:54 actually um like when I get a text from a client and they thank me for doing part of my
32:02 job or something I don’t know it’s it’s been really eye openening
32:08 because I I’ve sitting there I’ve sat there with clients before and told them a little bit about myself and
32:17 um had their jaw drop and be like I would have never guessed and you know to
32:26 me that’s just proof that anyone can do it yeah because if I if I shared a along in my
32:32 story you would understand why I’m saying that that’s what I want to hear I want to hear like a little bit more of like the cuz it seems like you know
32:39 there’s a lot of deeper stuff there there’s a lot of deeper stuff there that’s going
32:45 on um I don’t know if you’d be comfortable sharing some of that like
32:54 um or even just pick a story maybe yeah just like yeah what you’d feel
33:00 comfortable sharing okay um not to put you on the spot yeah no you don’t have to it’s up
33:08 to you I’m trying to relate it more to mental health and substance abuse
33:16 um so I will I’ll talk a little bit about my last relapse and um because on
33:25 my last relapse I entered territory I had never entered before like um you
33:31 know growing up I was a stripper I I kind of grew up watching my mom like
33:37 usen for money so um I grew up started
33:43 dancing or whatever um then I had my daughter I was actually able to stop
33:50 everything cold turkey whenever I found out I was pregnant um but about 6 months
33:56 after having her I you know went back to it um and where was this in Texas or you
34:01 said at that was in Texas and so since
34:07 um my stepdad raised me and my mother th this is why I was kind of in between is
34:14 because once they got divorced he still raised me as his child until I was
34:20 14 um and and then some stuff happened and that relationship changed but um I
34:26 would go back and forth and so this was in Georgia and
34:33 um skipped to 2019 I relapse and uh I
34:39 have to move to a different state because I’m wanted in that state now I’ve now run away from my legal issues
34:47 and he wants it for um if I if you don’t mind so it was
34:53 a possession but then I also so like I was getting all of these paid lawyers
34:59 and I mean I’ve been to jail over 20 times but uh it wasn’t until like the
35:05 17th or 18th time probably the 17th time that I heard the words no
35:11 bond and uh so yeah um lawyers can only
35:18 get you so far I just you know at that point in time I thought that I was lucky and that everything worked out for me um
35:26 I ended up you know I’ve I’ve done some time but so my relapse in
35:32 2019 um after my niece passed I had to get out of that state so I went to
35:39 Florida um and I went there with my daughter’s father who um legally if they
35:46 caught me talking to him I would be sent to prison and had like six years hanging over my head but I was so
35:52 codependent and so financially dependent and emotionally dependent and
36:00 um yeah I did not think I could live without him right um so I go there and
36:07 he ends up going to prison and I’m in a new city I don’t
36:13 know anyone I have zero money what happened with that was he did he go to prison when he was with you yes um so
36:21 when I um I had done I had just gotten out from doing like eight and a half months um and I was injur drug court
36:28 like right for all of this happened in Florida in Georgia in Georgia okay yeah
36:33 and then um so my niece passed I relapsed that day and I went on the
36:39 run and um the charge that I gotten locked up
36:45 for I actually took it for him um so we made a deal that the next
36:50 charge anyways he he took a trafficking charge and um he went to prison so I’m
36:57 in a new state I know no one um it
37:03 was the town was a it was like a dangerous Town there’s a lot of
37:08 shootings I came from like the island to like um if you heard someone saying they
37:16 were going on a date MH it was not a regular date like there’s a lot of
37:21 prostitution a lot of so um I’m there by myself and uh
37:29 I I did not I thought I was going to be on the streets I didn’t know anyone like my family didn’t talk to me obviously so
37:37 you’re stuck in like a really bad part of Georgia uh Florida Jacksonville Florida is a grimy grimy place to be um
37:48 so that is whenever I got into like sex work and um I did that to like have a
37:56 place to stay and I say saved up to BU weight um and then that’s how I
38:04 like took care of myself um I used to say that it had no um
38:14 effect on me because not only not only did I not only did I do something that I
38:22 never thought I’d do um but I helped others get into it and then I was also
38:28 selling fentanyl um at the time like I just I really had
38:36 I never been sober before I would have probably never gotten sober because I didn’t have money issues I was lonely I
38:43 was like depressed and stuff but um the real like I was not at my lowest
38:52 um anyways I so I got into a lot of things that I had never got gone into
38:58 before um and some really dangerous stuff and
39:03 um I say when I when that happened and um I had to basically cut
39:11 off like who I was on the inside MH um and become this different person and
39:20 it’s been a struggle with me ever since especially in any kind of like relationship status or
39:28 you know um I actually talked about this whenever I was in rehab um I don’t know
39:34 if this is appropriate but like you can sex in recovery especially for well I
39:41 think for anyone really I know I didn’t I had never had sex sober um huge
39:47 trigger huge trigger so I just thought I was going to be like selib it forever I was it for a long
39:53 time um but
39:59 that um sorry I kind of lost my train of
40:06 thought why would you say that it was a huge trigger because
40:12 uh I had a method like that was my job MH and now it’s not
40:21 supposed to be my job and I’m just supposed to do it because like a normal person like I would have been before
40:30 um and I I still have problems you know whenever it comes to that sometimes uh
40:41 but I felt powerful in the moment because it was the first time I had ever taken care of myself it was the first
40:47 time that I did not like have to listen to anyone else I could do my own thing so I felt very P powerful at the time
40:54 and um however
41:01 I I believe that it added to my self-esteem issues whenever it whenever
41:06 it all comes down to it
41:12 um I during that time I basically like paid people to hang out with me um you
41:19 know no one wanted to like date someone that was like me I just
41:27 I had to really cut myself off from myself so that I could not feel anything that I was doing um and I feel like once
41:34 you do that for so long it it becomes a little bit harder and harder to come back each time or like the further you
41:40 stray away from yourself yeah
41:48 um I do like I share that with people
41:54 um just because like I I know that it’s a very common thing in substance abuse
42:02 and
42:08 um I’m sorry that what do you thinking um I I was
42:14 just trying to I don’t think like I don’t know maybe I should have came on here and like told my story I’m
42:21 just I just don’t feel like I’m doing very well no you are telling your story the only thing I want I want you to do
42:26 is just elaborate a little bit more cuz it’s like I know like and we can edit this part out but like so like with like
42:32 AA it’s like they like kind of like condemn War Stories right like oh like
42:37 you like you know like but like I think with here you know it’s going to it’s
42:42 just a little different like people just find it like interesting right cuz it’s like you know and then hopefully like
42:51 the idea is like somebody will be able to relate and that you’ll be able to help somebody so like don’t feel bad if
42:56 like it’s not like an a mean where it’s like it has to all be about recovery like you know like you can go in depth
43:02 about certain stories as long as you feel comfortable talking about it yeah you know like I don’t want to just say
43:07 anything you know you don’t feel comfortable about and if you do say something like by acccident just say
43:12 like you know could we edit that out yeah or like say it so that we can know at that uh point of it but yeah just
43:19 like okay I let me let me hear yeah let me hear like I want to hear like the the
43:25 like raw uncut version of your story cuz I do feel like you’re holding back a little bit cuz you don’t want to be you
43:30 know yeah and I’m I should have gotten more clarification started so but um
43:37 okay just say when it all started okay so it all started at when I was 14 years
43:46 old the type of person that I was is um and I’m not that smart naturally uh I
43:53 was you know AB Honor Roll um I wouldn’t hang out with you if you smoked pot I’d
43:59 have to wake up at like 3:00 a.m. to study extra hard I was super like motivated um my father who I had you
44:08 know known my whole life I’ve only met my real dad um I think two or three times and he’s an
44:15 addict and um super weird so um and I
44:20 always kind of had that in my head too like my mom always talked really bad about my father but I knew that like
44:27 that’s my dad so I always felt like there was not only something wrong with me but that that I was bad in some way
44:33 right it’s tough like if one parent says something bad about the other one cuz it’s like you know that’s my parent yeah
44:41 right even though I didn’t even know him you know I I met him I think I’ve met
44:48 him three or four times in my whole life um but yeah that’s one thing that uh I
44:55 definitely when when my daughter’s father and I broke up is I
45:01 let her come to her own conclusion because if not you know I still don’t
45:06 know what the truth is to this day but um at 14 my father told me um well my
45:13 stepdad told me that there was going to be a bomb threat at school and that he
45:18 was sending me to work with his new wife’s mother my mom is in Texas at this
45:25 time um every year my brother and sister would fly down for um summer and this
45:31 summer my mom surprised us and was like y’all are staying I was super unhappy
45:37 about it but I had just like started making friends and anyways so my my
45:42 stepfather tells me there’s a bomb threat at school I go to work with my um
45:49 Stepmother’s mother who’s the uh assistant district
45:54 attorney and um nothing like out of the ordinary that
45:59 day besides that um I get over to my cousin’s house afterwards and um my dad comes in and
46:08 and says that they’re sending me away and that they know I’ve been unhappy they know that I’ve been doing drugs and
46:13 having sex at this point in my life I had never touched a drug and I was still
46:19 a virgin um and they sent they sent me I
46:24 begged to stay cuz I didn’t understand um but they I’m like okay you guys
46:32 aren’t going to let me stay they wouldn’t let me call my mom they were like she’s part of this I was like fine
46:37 you’re not going to let me stay at least let me go pack you know and they were like well your real father’s here you
46:42 know your stuff’s in trash bags in the back of his car um so I was sent with this man that
46:49 I had only met I think once or twice before that um the whole ride
46:58 to um his house which was a few hours away you know he’s asking me like how many people have you slept with what
47:05 drugs do you do you know and it was very frustrating I did not understand what
47:10 was going on I didn’t understand why my mom would sign on to this um I get there
47:15 he goes to work and unplugs the phone and takes it with him this is back when they only had like the one into the wall
47:22 he takes it you know um so I was just like stuck there
47:28 Alabama I hadn’t even been there before and no phone so that lasted for a couple
47:36 of weeks and then finally he let me call my mom she had no idea um I still don’t
47:42 have clarification as to why that happened um it’s very confusing that’s really weird and your stepdad did this
47:49 to your to me wow never with your dad
47:54 with your biological dad that is so strange um the only thing that I can
47:59 figure is that um right after that a custody battle started with my brother
48:05 and sister that would like you know my mom lost her business like it it was a really bad thing and and I had never
48:11 been legally adopted that is the only thing that I can conclude in my mind as
48:18 to why that happened so my Mom leaves from where she was at um she had
48:23 actually met a guy on the internet and just went and got married she was on honeymoon so she leaves from her
48:28 honeymoon to come pick me up and um after that day I had worked so hard to
48:35 like be this one certain kind of person and
48:40 um I went and I did a a a complete 180
48:46 um I started drinking heavily um as soon as I got my hands on drugs like it was it it was over it was
48:53 over um I was the thought process behind that just like I wanted the pain to go away MH cuz it was just such a strange
49:01 situation that was like probably really hurtful yeah because this was the man that
49:07 raised me and that I thought was my I excuse me I thought like I told you I
49:15 always felt different you know but I really respected that man for raising me
49:22 and you know still like I said we would come down every summer even after they got divorced like I wasn’t his kid he
49:29 didn’t have to do that but um yeah it really hurt and it was very confusing so
49:36 um like betrayal MH very much so and then
49:43 never which I didn’t talk to him for like seven years after that because I
49:48 blamed my addiction on him for a really long time
49:54 it took a long time for me to realize that a lot of worse things happen to people and everyone go through things
50:00 and they don’t just completely go I mean I was balls to the
50:05 wall it was from zero to just I was a completely different person
50:11 I did not I did not care anymore um I thought that I saw where caring got me
50:17 and I was not interested so um you know I’m using all the time as a
50:25 teenager I get into I get into trouble you know I I caught my first charge at
50:31 15 um what was it assault assault my first ever fight I got into I let this
50:39 girl pick on me for a full year and then one day I just snapped so um I was
50:45 always afraid of fighting before that I always thought I’d get beat up but yeah
50:51 um and this that actually I mean that was my first fight but I’ve had a lot of
50:58 anger management issues since then um
51:03 anyways I used very very heavily I was able to I got pregnant um what were you
51:10 using so it started with um alcohol and then weed and then
51:19 um and then I tried like meth and maybe
51:24 some other stuff and then my friend’s mom gave me a Xanax and um started
51:34 passing me like the Lord have tens or whatever I don’t
51:39 remember what it was back in the day but and then came the oxycotton and what the
51:45 first time I ever did that we didn’t even know what it was my friend had just looked it up on the computer his mom had
51:51 had cancer and had all these bottles filled but she didn’t take them and so we looked up we saw that it would like
51:58 make you feel a certain way I crushed it up we did it and that’s when [ __ ] really
52:05 started because um I was doing it on the weekends at first and then um I was
52:12 wondering during the week cuz my friend would go back to Dallas and stay with his dad I was wondering like why I
52:18 wasn’t feeling good during the week I was very naive didn’t know anything about like I’m withdrawing yeah I have
52:25 no idea but I’m AC in a complete you know yeah having meltdowns and stuff
52:31 um so I start stripping I get into that
52:36 World um just basically it was like a job that I could drink and party at and
52:42 you know cuz I was not stopping that anytime soon um I did get pregnant I
52:47 have my daughter um like I said I was able to stop during that I don’t know
52:53 how um but six months after that my best friend passed and I went straight back
53:00 out again um I started to neglect my daughter um you know and not just go to
53:09 the club for work but like be really neglectful I would leave
53:15 her with my aunt um like gu an escape yeah I mean not
53:20 even I was not emotionally or mentally equipped at that time especially when I
53:26 started putting the drugs back how old were you said you were 18 or something 18 when I got pregnant No 19 when I got
53:32 pregnant 21 I had her gotcha um anyway
53:39 so um I have her I relaps or whatever I never called that clean because I you
53:45 know I just white knuckled it I was very miserable the whole pregnancy but um we
53:52 end up moving to Georgia to be close to my mom and and my daughter’s father gets
53:58 out of prison and we start a relationship um he’s very um his father
54:07 was the CEO of Merl Lynch so when he turned 18 he got like a $10 million you
54:13 know trust fund but he’s been a heroin addict since he was 16 and um so it’s under
54:21 conservatorship but we were living off the interest of that and that was given us around like 450 a year to live off of
54:29 without touching anything so we
54:34 were in nice houses and nice cars and everything
54:40 but everything I mean it looked great on the outside but it was miserable on the
54:47 inside and that’s when um that’s when everything the court started with my kid
54:54 and everything um and those years it broke me it broke me
55:03 and um I was basically alienated from everyone I I don’t blame him all the way
55:09 for that you know but um he i’ I seen he knew what he was
55:16 doing when he was doing it um and that started this very very very very toxic
55:24 relationship where like we had no needs of like money so it
55:30 was just drugs drugs drugs and um craziness um I
55:39 mean playing around with guns like I’m going to kill you I’m going to kill me
55:45 um then I get I get in trouble I get in trouble um and uh you know I get bed out
55:55 whatever every time I don’t listen to what he thinks I should do he calls my probation
56:01 officer I don’t know this for the longest time but he’s getting me like locked up and everything what’ you get
56:07 in trouble for the first time um so he had followed me
56:14 in he had put a tracker on my truck basically and I stopped by somewhere and he had followed me there I go to take
56:21 off he jumps into my truck he’s trying to take my purse which has all my drugs in it and so I take like the Ste boots
56:28 and I kick them someone called the cops and I get like snatched out of the car they charged me with possession of
56:36 something that he had a prescription for so it could have
56:42 gotten dropped however um I get bonded out and I come
56:48 home and he’s basically giving me like all of these things that I have to do and he’s like if you don’t do it I’m
56:54 coming off your bond I didn’t believe him I was like come off my bond he did I
57:00 took a bunch of drugs into the jaw with me and then you know I was acting
57:06 psychotic cuz I was very [ __ ] up and I get caught you know obviously and that just kind of started
57:14 like a road of trouble and then also um he kind of had me convinced that
57:19 if he went if he got in trouble again like he would go to prison forever and wouldn’t be able to take care of me and
57:26 I couldn’t take care of myself so like how would I live um so I was taking charges for him during that little time
57:32 like I was yeah um any speeding tickets that I have I think I’ve gotten one
57:37 ticket myself every other one I’ve jumped in the front seat after we got pulled over you know what I mean um
57:44 anyways I it was just kind of like it was it was okay for a while
57:50 because I didn’t have to worry about money I didn’t have to worry about but I was miserable I did not have my child I
57:56 did not have friends I didn’t have anyone um and then I ended up having to
58:02 do some time uh and when I did that uh
58:08 his father found out he was using like the houses everything I think he was living on the
58:14 streets um so I did eight and a half months at that time I got out and I was
58:21 put in a boot camp camp for8 and a half months well it’s supposed to be a year but at 8 and a half months I got k kicked out I can make it like 8 and 1/
58:27 half months anywhere and then I I pretty much get tossed but um every time he’d
58:34 pick me up from rehab say it was clean every time I go back it was just like a very toxic thing and then um once he was
58:43 gone so I came to a point my sobriety probably at about a year to maybe 13
58:50 months at that point where um I cut him off um I go to work one day and he’s
58:58 sitting there and he’s like gained weight he looks good and I’m like okay I tell him I’ll call him two days go by
59:05 I’m leaving work I think someone’s following me but I’m not sure so I’m like okay I’m going to pass my house and
59:12 if if they’re still following me I’m just going to go straight to the police station well it was him he jumped into my car and was like basically he knew
59:20 how to how to get me he was like let me take you shopping at St John’s Town Center I’ve been sober he had gained all
59:27 this weight he actually looked good I found out later that was due to steroids so he could trick me um anyways this is
59:36 the day that I found out that my niece passed um
59:41 and we were at uh some dope and needle fell out of the pocket so I think I had
59:47 14 months at that point and before that I had 17 months I
59:53 only used twice I I I died both times the second time they thought I might be
59:58 a vegetable so I cleaned myself up for 14 and half months until that day um
1:00:04
things were really bad it went you know he would smoke crack and think that I
1:00:10
was doing all of this stuff and I wasn’t even allowed to go to the store without him so I don’t it it was very very very
1:00:17
very uh crazy and dangerous but
1:00:26
at least I was like I knew I knew I had a place to stay I knew that like I had
1:00:32
food I knew I had someone who even if he was like my abuser too I knew that he
1:00:38
was like there for me in a way um when he went to prison that’s when like I
1:00:45
that was my first time ever taking care of myself and fending for myself
1:00:51
um I the first so I
1:00:56
through like this really odd thing happening I got in with some people that
1:01:02
I probably never would have been able to get in with um and you know it kind of kept me safe down there um and I started
1:01:10
I started buying weight and I started having I had a few people that worked
1:01:16
under me doing that and then I was also doing the things with the women
1:01:23
um I thought life was like actually okay cuz I was proud of myself that I could take care of myself I got out of a hotel
1:01:30
and into my own place um but I was also
1:01:36
cut off from my family and um I was also
1:01:43
losing my mind um I mean it sounds kind of like you’re like almost like a drug
1:01:49
dealing pimp at it right if I’m like understanding this I wouldn’t put it that way but kind
1:01:56
of what it turn more I never got anyone into it that wasn’t already doing it um
1:02:02
it just kind of started like I had my thing up and a girl reached out to me and asked me a few questions and so it
1:02:09
kind of started like that anything that I can make money from back then I was making money from and I was just like
1:02:14
any other P or you know [ __ ] drug dealer
1:02:22
that if I knew you really needed it I would would make you like that’s
1:02:28
how I made people do stuff for me that’s how I had my friends is because I have what they wanted and they had I guess
1:02:36
what I wanted but didn’t know at the time which was some kind of connection
1:02:42
with people um I would have a connection for how many ever minutes and then you know
1:02:48
they were gone and I was by myself again um
1:02:53
so uh when I say that my mind was going um I
1:03:00
believe that there’s a certain point that you can go that your mind can go um
1:03:05
and if you take it too far like that’s it you don’t come back to that same person and I believe I was really really
1:03:12
close to that like um this is an
1:03:18
embarrassing story so um I went into psychosis a couple of
1:03:25
times because in my mind um if I did some meth with my fentanyl I
1:03:33
could stay up for days and I could sell more so I could like make more money
1:03:38
um I also am addicted to money that’s one thing that I’ve learned too um
1:03:47
but when I say my mind was going it was going um I painted my face like a clown MH
1:03:56
um my boyfriend came home I had absolutely destroyed the house
1:04:02
I um I rubbed feces on his
1:04:10
wall um that is something I’ve never told anyone before because I’m just
1:04:16
letting you guys know how out there I got and then I got into a truck with all four doors open I hit my roommate with
1:04:24
his own truck and and then took off with like all the doors open luckily I mean
1:04:30
they had to call the cops cuz I was like there something was going to happen you know and I would get 5150 but then my
1:04:38
boyfriend who was much older um and who
1:04:43
had never done a drug in his life he’d been into like some white collar crime or something like that so he had done
1:04:49
some kind of time but like this was a new world for him and uh
1:04:58
uh oh he would he would get me out of these situations like or either let them he
1:05:06
would I I got him into like doing things for me that he could have gotten in big
1:05:12
trouble for but um these 5150 situations I never stayed the 72 hours I was able
1:05:19
to get out before then like and I had to work it a certain way but um
1:05:26
like that [ __ ] just started getting really really scary
1:05:33
um the story that I just told about like doing all of that to his place
1:05:39
um and like having standoffs in parking lots with like trucks you know like I’m
1:05:45
surprised I didn’t kill someone um what do you mean standoffs like they were
1:05:52
trying to get me not to drive and I’m in the the middle of this like parking lot
1:05:58
and so my roommate and the guy that I was with are like trying to and I’m like
1:06:03
I will run into your truck or I will run you over like get out of the way you know what Ian I was
1:06:12
just I was in the same person and
1:06:20
um it I don’t know it wasn’t good but I’ll say that had I never had any kind
1:06:27
of sobriety and had my family not cut me off you know I might not have ever tried
1:06:33
to get it any better and I think going into that lifestyle of like I was always
1:06:39
into a little bit of crime but like actually like doing it myself
1:06:45
um It’s A Hard lifestyle to get out of
1:06:51
um especially getting sober I know I’ve talked to other
1:06:56
women who feel this way too they feel like you know they had more money when they were using than when you get sober
1:07:03
you know what I mean like that’s it’s kind of a heart pilled swallow for a little bit
1:07:10
um but yeah and then so I made a plan to
1:07:16
get insurance and go to treatment it took me I I would have to ask the exact
1:07:22
number but it’s either like 36 to 47 missed flights wow yeah like um they finally my
1:07:31
stack of itineraries was like this and the place finally told me they were like we’re not going to order it until you
1:07:37
get to the airport so I would get to the airport they’d order the ticket I’d go into the bathroom do a shot fall out for
1:07:43
a few hours miss my plane ticket again um I could not leave on the plane unless
1:07:49
I was fully stocked um I had to fly out like I was that
1:07:56
person that brought drugs in with me because I just was not I couldn’t make it two
1:08:01
days um you know and that’s why since
1:08:07
2019 I’ve been to about 20 20 treatment centers um a lot of that was in the
1:08:13
beginning like and I would get out and I would think that
1:08:19
like things would be kind of like how they were whenever I was younger and sober however I was a lot more innocent
1:08:25
back then then I put myself in this new world and I’ll say that that was kind of one of the the last things and the
1:08:32
hardest things for me to let go of was the
1:08:39
lifestyle and the money that comes you know and maybe like the I
1:08:47
guess maybe I felt like respected I felt a little bit I felt in charge of my life
1:08:53
for the first time um so breaking out of that was really hard like I
1:08:59
remember once I was finally able to make it through detox which took forever um I
1:09:05
thought to myself okay now I’m good I could just sell drugs and not do them
1:09:10
and then like I would make and you know I’ve I’ve basically had to experiment
1:09:15
myself like you tell me that the stove is hot I’m going to touch it and then I have to touch it again just to make sure
1:09:22
that it really did burn me um I’m not that kind of person and I wish I wasn’t
1:09:27
and I hope I genuinely hope for my clients that
1:09:33
um some of the things that I tell them that they don’t have to go through that hopefully they don’t have to go through
1:09:39
it because if I would have listened to those ladies who were talking to me I
1:09:45
guess 14 years ago you know um I think like that and I get into that oh I could
1:09:52
have been sober at 24 I would have you know this time here where would I be now
1:09:57
however I think I had to go through um a lot of the things that I went through
1:10:04
um to be able to do what I do now and have an impact I did not really go like
1:10:10
super deep into all of the um the chaos MH but
1:10:21
um when I look people in their eyes and I tell them that like if I can do this that anyone can like I mean that from
1:10:27
the bottom of my heart because I didn’t I was shooting up fentanyl I did not
1:10:32
think genuinely did not think in my heart that I could do enough to kill me
1:10:37
like when I finally got help and was able to make it through the detox it was
1:10:43
after they tested my levels I had been begging someone like test my levels test my levels y’all will see what I am
1:10:49
talking about please cuz I couldn’t make it like two days I was gone and I
1:10:55
finally got somebody to do that and they doubled all my meds like I was in a wheelchair it was really really bad um
1:11:01
fentanyl
1:11:07
is the love of my life but also or I guess opiates not strictly fentanyl but
1:11:14
opiates were definitely the love of my life and
1:11:19
um you know they also took everything that was
1:11:26
precious to me and some of those things I will never get back
1:11:31
um but today I try to forgive myself I know
1:11:37
others forgive me uh I try to make it up to the people who I
1:11:42
cannot make it up to by just trying to do the next right thing I don’t always
1:11:48
know what that is um but I have a pretty good group of people around me and
1:11:53
people who I work with that you know um luckily I’m very fortunate to have
1:11:58
that around me um people who are very educated in this and
1:12:04
um you know it’s I would love to say that I got
1:12:09
sober and like all of my problems disappeared but the truth is is like
1:12:14
it’s a daily I wouldn’t say a daily struggle um but it’s a roller coaster
1:12:20
for sure you know and um what I’ve learned is if I just don’t
1:12:25
give up on the ride and I keep going then you know I I believe if if I’ve
1:12:32
come this far in 18 months I’m really excited to see because
1:12:37
I never would have guessed um when people asked me what I wanted my future
1:12:43
to look like um back whenever I started to get sober
1:12:50
um yeah I said I wanted to help people and I I kind of had like these big dreams but I don’t even think that like
1:12:57
I said I wanted to work at a treatment center or anything like that because I just never thought that anyone would see
1:13:04
me as someone who would be capable of that or like you
1:13:13
know I don’t know um those are the people who are best at
1:13:19
the job yeah cuz like you have the experience you don’t have to to fake
1:13:25
anything it’s like very authentic yeah yeah that’s one thing I can appreciate
1:13:31
about um when I first started doing groups I thought that I needed to um
1:13:37
kind of pretend like I had my [ __ ] together um but it really it was hard
1:13:43
for me so and that’s why I do share what I share with like my people if it’s a
1:13:49
topic and I’m like this is something that I am like so like I picked the topic of self-esteem or something you
1:13:55
know this is something that I’m working on like let’s all work on this together other things yes I’ve um like with
1:14:03
CBT and everything um I believe that I have changed some of those neurop
1:14:09
Pathways yeah and I know that you can do that with um like affirmations and
1:14:16
things so I actually just learned that I didn’t know that that was like the same yeah I didn’t know it was like the same
1:14:21
type of thing but I know we’re almost at it we’re we’re kind of running a on time right you guys
1:14:28
said the memory Oh shoot what what are we at an
1:14:33
hour an hour okay um I liked where you’re going with that neurop pathway
1:14:39
stuff though know true um I don’t know how you want to wrap it
1:14:44
up something with like mental health maybe some like hope you can give
1:14:50
to our viewers or like how you would like how you like kind of treat your CL clients I think or like some of like the
1:14:57
the dialogue or like things that happen with your clients and like what helps them and helps you
1:15:06
mhm that it’s just you know overall you know I know it was um you said helping
1:15:11
clients you said um same like
1:15:20
yeah um okay so I would say if if I had
1:15:25
to give advice on what I believe has helped me to get
1:15:31
as far as I am right now um it would be to number one never give up um no matter
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what happens no matter how many times you get knocked down get get back up
1:15:44
like um it’s not a source of weakness it’s a source of strength
1:15:49
honestly um being vulnerable
1:15:55
being vulnerable is a big one for me um I believe that once I was able to put
1:16:03
down like the street side of myself that I needed to be and um I could get
1:16:11
vulnerable with how I was truly feeling and doing that and then watching other
1:16:18
people become more comfortable getting vulnerable and sharing kind of the same
1:16:23
experience um getting to see that is like one of the most amazing things and
1:16:29
then also working with a client seeing them come in um especially
1:16:36
if I do their intake you know because I get all of those intake questions and then getting to work with them um and
1:16:45
just watching the walls break down watching the walls break down watching
1:16:51
them have a bad day freak out like want to give up and not give up and keep
1:16:57
going and then a few days later like you see a smile on their face or like something great happened you know it’s
1:17:03
just um it’s it’s it’s proof to me that you know they
1:17:13
say don’t give up before the miracle happens or whatever and every time I think that’s what I did and um so just
1:17:22
have compassion on yourself um not every day is going to be a great
1:17:28
day um
1:17:35
but yeah it Life Is Life um
1:17:43
and just being okay being okay sometimes and
1:17:50
like not thriving in chaos or needing anything
1:17:55
um just being okay like with peace and um knowing that you’re worth it because
1:18:03
um everyone is worth this everyone’s not going to get the chance but
1:18:10
um yeah I believe everyone everyone deserves
1:18:18
to be able to figure out and learn about it and have a chance to get sober
1:18:26
um but yeah definitely have compassion awesome well thank you for
1:18:32
coming thank you so much
