Podcast Transcript
hi my name is Rachel Honda from straight jacket podcast I’m Jeff from Mental Health Resource and I’m biking
Barbie welcome hi um so Kaylee if you could just give us a little bit of a
background and story about you know how you got to where you are now um and
basically your yeah your life story um well I mean I came from like you know
Texas early on when I was younger and um I had like a pretty wild chaotic life U
my parents are were wild my mom was a a dancer um and my dad was like a wrestler
and a criminal and all that stuff so I had like a really wild upbringing um and
I basically came out to California because he was an actor he ended up paying uh playing Bane and Batman and Robin oh wow and then he passed when I
was like 12 and he was also you know an addict and all that stuff so
um there’s that and then later on I ended up you know going through the whole goth phase in middle school and
high school and I just started getting into drugs really deeply um I started doing uh like a lot of cocaine and and a
lot of like drinking and going out and stuff like that and I kind of that I had arrived thing you know were like the
some of the feelings that like prompted that behavior um I was pretty like I had
a lot of mental health issues for sure um like I’m sure that that it a lot of
it came from trauma I mean I know a lot of it came from trauma because I’ve worked through it now and I’d have like none of those issues barely like I have
little triggers but it’s not like it was before um and I definitely was like deep
in depression just kind of felt really empty all the time felt kind of lonely how long would you say you felt that way
uh my whole life I’ve always felt like an alien I’ve always felt a little bit like I didn’t
fit in you know and like I was I was an only child which you know you’re always kind of battling alone you know feeling
things and so I always kind of felt like you know when I went and got loaded I
felt like I could relate to people you know what I mean like I was like all right like I actually like people when
I’m high like but I don’t really care for them when I’m not because they don’t like it’s almost like it dumbs you down
a little bit um not to say that people are dumb but just like it it puts you on the level of everyone kind of like
you’re able to like connect a little more um and now you know even being sober now
I still I feel definitely like an outcast but I embrace it more and I enjoy it um and I connect with the right
people um but yeah so I started doing a lot of drugs then and then I ended up
running away from home around 17 I started stripping around 17 well I I was
kind of dabbling when I was like 15 to 17 um and then I ran away from home with
a boy and we basically were like on the run until I turned 18 I started like you
know slanging my own stuff and I was uh working at the strip club and it was
like really fun until it wasn’t you know so um I just got it just got worse and
worse for me everyone started to kind of get out of it and I just kept getting like more into the painkillers more into
like I stopped drinking and just doing painkillers and cocaine and then I ended up really
getting into the opiates you know tried to stopped for a while cuz I had like you know had gotten like pregnant and I
thought like I ended up detoxing myself and then that didn’t work out it just kind of you know obviously you’re
detoxing yourself you know so like it basically you can’t like keep a viable pregnancy because they wanted you to go
on like um methadone which you can’t really I’m not going to go on methadone pregnant I just thought it was horrible
um not to shame anyone who does but I just I didn’t want like a baby born like that yeah so I was like all right I’m
not doing that um and I detoxed the way they told me not to and I was like if it happens it happens then it’s meant to be
you know what I mean so um I was sober after that and then I was like I of
course I started dabbling again thinking I could like drink or you know oh let’s go out like I can have a drink it’s fine
I just won’t do pills and then I ended up back on pills again and I’m fully doing 40 you know Norcos a day and like
doing like a gr of coke a day and then before you know you can’t get p pills and and then you’re all of a sudden on
heroin with the blink of an eye so and at that point were you diagnosed with oh
I’ve been diagnos I wasn’t diagnosed until I got sober okay so I was
diagnosed with uh from one therapist that I went to I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which I
feel like is a co-occurring condition that happens to a lot of female addicts um and it stems from
trauma if sometimes if you dress abandonment things like that um you know my parents were wild they didn’t they
did the best of what they had kind of thing but it’s like you know two young young parents that are like really wild
you know I just felt perceived that as a kid as like you know abandonment yeah so
um and my mom also has her own issues you know like she’s she’s I think had like a lot of borderline traits when I
was younger just very like em very emotional very sensitive um and then she’d always date narcissists it was you
know a thing um um and then I went to another therapist
after a breakup and I was sober still they diagnosed me with uh borderline
personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder which I was just like what the hell like they I didn’t
have never even heard people having that together um and so I was like all right I guess I got to do you know and they
always say like narcissists can’t like go to therapy they don’t want to go to therapy or whatever and I was like okay I’m going to be maybe it’s the
narcissist in me I was like I’m going to be the best narcissist there ever was so I don’t know I was like I’m not going
to be that person like I’m going to be different you know maybe it saved me my narcissism um but I started going to
therapy more and um and then I just kind of ended up meeting a guy who did um he
was like a life coach and he said I don’t believe in diagnosis like that he’s like it’s it’s trauma and it’s
responses to trauma and everyone has patterns um based on how they are protecting the inner child you know and
so I was like all right I’m willing to bite you know cuz everybody else says I basically need to be on meds and I need to do this and do that and I’m like you
know it wasn’t getting better I was almost getting worse because I feel like when you do that rumination therapy
you’re just like feeding the beast in a way you know you’re talking about it you’re doing you’re you’re getting if
you’re not doing it properly and getting it out you’re essentially just like telling yourself a story and believing
it you know so I was afraid to say I’m not a narcissist because that’s what they all say so I was like all right
well what I’m willing to try this and then he did the year program which he he
graduated me from and it was like deep intense inner child work like crazy trauma work it was rough but honestly
like it was changed everything like nothing like I was and none of the
patterns that I was doing that would have gotten me diagnosed so I actually have you know anytime I have anything
come up I literally call this guy and I’m like all right I’m having some stuff and he’ll be like all right close your eyes go into your you know and we feel
like it’s a lot of atic stuff a lot of like and honestly like lifechanging so I
give everyone you know his name’s Glenn Cohen he’s um yeah I always try and get people
on him um but yeah so I I ended up getting clean 13 years ago um originally
at the Rock Center like the original Rock Center that was in Garden Grove and um it was like Low Bottom Indigent rehab
like you know 12 steps no meds all that I was there for 3 months and then I was
the manager at the sober living upstairs for another like 3 to 6 months I forget how many months it was um I was taking
the bus every day I was you know doing like you know I didn’t have anything um I would I started kind of like working
at the strip club day shift you know I didn’t know what else to do you know what I mean um but I was really happy
you know I didn’t have [ __ ] but I was really happy and it was the first time i’ ever been actually sober I was completely insane I hadn’t gotten any
mental health help really so was still I was this was all program carrying me which I believe like so heavily in is
like program program program because like if it was able to keep me sober for so long without I mean I only started
with Glenn maybe like a year or two years ago wow you know two years ago I think so like it was a long time until I
got real help you know um so yeah I I defin oh and I came out of jail I went I
got arrested I forgot that part so you have any questions and so yeah so when
back to I guess your um childhood so you started uh getting introduced to drugs
getting can you go more into like that time of your life um into getting introduced to it um
I mean I was 13 or 14 and I looked like I was 19
you know and I had friends we’d go to like Sunset Boulevard and and wait outside and that the the bouncers would
get us into the clubs 13 yeah people racking up lines and you know and there
was a band we hung out with I won’t say the name but like we went back to a hotel room and they were like you know
doing coke and that was the first time I ever did Coke and I was like this is so good like this is awesome I feel happy
for the first time in my life um and then you know and I did a lot of high school parties we just go to high school
parties and it was such an escape for me you know like you just get to go out and be rebellious I have such like a
rebellious nature you you know I’m like you guys probably not in astrology but I’m an aquarius Moon I have that like
super rebellious like nature about me where I just like I get my kicks out of like kind of you know shocking people
and stuff like that and and going out and doing the thing I’m not supposed to do value guess yeah so it was fun for me
it was like an adventure every weekend you know and then I just didn’t want to stop I didn’t want it I didn’t want it
to ever stop you know and and then it stopped being not fun like at all you
you know it’s weird how that happens where yeah I guess when did that switch happen for you like where you’re like
okay I need to I was pretty Die Hard dope fiend like it was pretty like people would be like don’t you just want
to get sober there’s this show called Intervention we’re thinking of calling I’m like if you call intervention you’re never going to talk to me again like I’m
not doing this I I would tell people like I want to die a dope fiend like I don’t want to live like if I’m not high
and I was and so when I did get sober people were like there is no way you’re sober like they would always ask me like
friends would be like okay but how much are you doing like really how much are you doing like what are you really doing just a little bit I’m like I swear to
God I’m sober and like it took people like a good like two years to start really believing that me that I could
get sober so I’m like I’m always like if if I could do like people look at me they’re like yeah but you’re you and I’m
like you don’t understand how I was like I was the worst like the filthiest
scummiest like dope fiend and on top of that I was not a nice person I would I was robbing drug dealers I was doing all
kinds of crazy [ __ ] so like you know there was not like a a lot of redeeming
things about me at that time um but I was very like smart and and I was able
to um was able to make things happen for myself no matter what and I didn’t and I
never had to like I kind of like it was my claim to like feeling good about myself that I didn’t have to like sleep
around for dope or I didn’t have to do that like I danced yeah but I’d never had to like sleep with anyone for a sack
or something because I was clever I was you know I was always on I was trying to be like the Kingpin if anything I
thought it was like the man you know like so that’s kind of how I did things so then when you were in that like
lifestyle um then what made you go to the Rock Center and commit to that well
um I got arrested 2011 um for possession like of large
usable quantities of was what they said of heroin and cocaine outside of a house
party I did with my friend we were in the car counting money and the cops came over it was in Fountain Valley and they
were like um we’re going to search the car and I was like we’re just counting money we’ll leave we’ll leave and he’s
like my friends weren’t on drugs they were like completely in the dark it was like one of my best friends um and so
she was like it’s fine like we don’t have anything you know and I was like [ __ ] it was the one time too it’s such a
god shot that like you think like at the time I was like God I have the worst
luck but really it was like the best luck that the one time I didn’t put my [ __ ] in my bra cuz they didn’t check my
bra um the one time I didn’t put it in there I put it in my purse never did that you know what I mean so I was like
it was meant to get caught that night I don’t think I was going to make it much longer honestly um so the guy was like
you know okay we got to take you in and my friend was like what the [ __ ] going on I’m like oh I had an empty bag that
had a little Coke residue like it’s fine and then he literally went up she told me later that he went up and he’s like
your friend really [ __ ] up you know and I was like damn it ratted me out you know what I mean like um so then I went
to booking and then they put me in ocj I was in there for it was like a three-day
weekend so I wasn’t able to get out like the way I wanted to which was like the
next you know what I mean like they I couldn’t like get out or anything I had to go to court so they had me in there for like three full days so I was
kicking heroin it was so gnarly um and they are terrible there like thank God
they are I honestly everything I see now is like thank God you know what I mean like because I never wanted to go
through it again but at the time I was like these people are are like evil you
know what I mean like there was like women I saw someone uh that died in there because of malnutrition or like or
dehydration from the same thing that when I went in there they did not come and check on me they they’re like oh
she’s an addict she’ll get over it like she’s just kicking and my bunkey kept pushing the emergency button because
she’s like chick’s not doing well like she’s going to die in the cell and like thank God I didn’t but they ended up
taking my clothes stripping me naked for the last 48 hours I was on the floor without any bedding they took my
mattresses cuz I kept puking on them and I was like basically just like throwing up and you know [ __ ] myself in the
toilet already horrible I can’t imagine like it was horrible and not only that
you’re like hallucinating you’re like there’s like all kinds of crazy [ __ ] I was like I’m not going to make it and then I had to go to court and they put
me on this bus and I was filling the bottom of the bus up with vomit you know like there people were lifting their
feet you know and we’re all like handcuffed together and I I just kept throwing up I couldn’t stop I threw up I
I could have died from like dehydration like there it was not hard you know like throwing up that long and that bad and I
couldn’t eat and they didn’t know how much you wereing I would drink water and it would come right like I couldn’t even keep it down so I was like on this bus
and like I got to court and then something happened where like the fluid from my lungs from smoking it so bad
like went into my ears so I couldn’t hear so I couldn’t hear the judge and they had to like write things down for
me I was so so weird could happen I honestly didn’t know that could happen either until it happened to me and it
went away after like a few days but it was I it sounded like my ears were underwater and I couldn’t hear anybody
and the only thing I could think I was like it must be all the fluid you know coming out um but yeah it was crazy I
was throwing up in the courtroom I was like you know the whole thing so then when I got out
my mom was like I guess well my public defender was like I’m goingon to call your mom and I’m like I’m literally like
25 years old like what do you mean like and she goes you’re G your teeth are going to fall out you’re going to die all this stuff I’m like why are you
going to call my mom like I was the weirdest thing but she literally took it upon herself to call my mom and then my
and tell her everything that like I was on heroin all stuff even my mom was suspicious but she didn’t really know and then so my mom was able to help me
get into the Rock Center she came and like was like we’re going to put you in a program like if you don’t go into a
program you’re never going to go to drug court you’re never going to get this stuff done I mean I was going to get out and get high I was going to come right
back you know was that revolving door the second you get hemmed up the first time and you don’t get it together
you’re [ __ ] you’re just basically like going back and forth so um we got into the Rock Center at that point and um
yeah I was not I didn’t want to get sober you know I was like I’m not going to be sober I’m just going to do this
get it over with get the court thing done and then I’m going to go back out cuz I don’t want to be sober and then I
started doing like this um got a sponsor they made me get a sponsored they made me go through uh all these meetings and
I was like what the [ __ ] is this they’re like you’ll hear something and I’m like I’m not hearing anything it took me a while and I was a crazy person in there
I wasn’t doing any of my chores I was just sitting there I was like they all thought I was going to get 5150 because I almost got 5150 like twice um because
I was like self Haring so bad you know what I mean like I was like burning my whole arms were like like lighter Burns
um cuz it gets you like kind of High Yeah it like does feel something it does like a like the lighter burn thing was
was like causing like some kind of opiate release like it make me go to sleep what the Yeah so
um I’m learning so much I know do don’t learn these things um so yeah basically
I was in there and and then I just started someone said something to me of like everyone’s making bets on how long
you’re until you get kicked out kind of thing and I was like okay I’m going to Fu cuz you know me I’m like all right
we’ll see you know and then I was one of the only people that actually made it you know so um I pushed and I ended up
loving it and wanting it after that and then um I got like I relapsed a little
bit after a few years and then I went straight back like I always like went
back and so now I have about eight years again but I would have had 13 if I would have stayed completely sober the whole
time years is still a long time congratulations amazing and it’s like you already had that foundation so I feel like it makes
it a little easier after that yeah it was uh wild me using was not a pretty
site so I was you know living in filth and I’m already not like the the tidiest
person like I have to have Maids I have to have people doing my laundry like I will not do it I will literally keep buying clothes so like you can imagine
there was like it was disgusting like people don’t look at me and think of the way I would have lived you know what I
mean but like there was like maggots everywhere and [ __ ] it was gnarly and so now with your
um now about like mental health when you go back to the work you did with what
was his name again sorry oh Glenn Glenn yeah um before you met with him did were
you doing any other work for your mental health yeah I went to a couple different
therapists there was one that I was going to for a few years and I I always just felt like it was like it’s a weird
thing to say but it’s like a like sex without an orgasm you know what I mean like you’re never you’re never finishing
it you’re never getting it out you know what I mean it’s kind of like a dict tees you know therapy um so I was like
you know I did it because everyone said to do it because especially with you know I’ve got probably have ADHD I like
there’s a lot of things in there going on but um I basically started working
with him and I was like oh we’re actually getting to the bottom of this and like pulling it out it’s kind of there’s like a some EMDR Vibes to it
with the way they do like where he did some like pulling and like processing but it wasn’t just that it
was like going back in your timeline revisiting things that trigger you that you don’t even know trigger you like listening to your intuition listening to
your inner self and like pulling it out and basically processing it and forgiving and doing those things
actively and like then when you would go back he would make me keep going back to the same thing until I didn’t feel
anything anymore like you know what it’s called the type of therapy he kind of created it he wrote three books oh wow
so he has three books out right now yeah cuz I mean it sounds similar to EMDR there he takes a little bit from every
of his favorite uh fields and he kind of just made his own thing and it was just weird how I found him up because I was
like looking for the I was looking for a new therapist and um I was like I need to I can’t like I’m going crazy again I
was like kind of losing it um and then I went nobody would take me everyone’s like oh we’re full we’re full and and I
there’s a part of me that was like because I was telling them what my diagnosis was that they were like oh
we’re not going to have someone who’s got NPD come in here and just waste our time kind of thing and like that’s kind
of the vibe I was getting because I’m like why wouldn’t I’ve never had a problem finding a therapist which is so sad because that’s like okay I don’t
know for me I like when people do have personality disorders because actually
you can really work with that like you know and there’s ways like for BPD like
DB really does work and well DBT is very similar in a way to the 12 steps you
know there’s a lot of correlations it’s like the you know like Pro coping and
and taking accountability and things like that like um I think basically what
really really gets you clean is for me the program is is the is the way to go
um I’ve you know taking accountability because that’s a huge thing for us is like being able to be accountable for
your part and things which like dealing with so many addicts in my life that’s
the one thing that I’m always like take some accountability for your part for your life take responsibility for your
life oh well this person did this well they what what are you going to do about it you know what I mean like stop blaming everybody else or you’re never
going to get better you know what I mean because people have their own [ __ ] they have their own trauma their own issues
and they’re doing the best with what they got but if you depend on them to keep you well you’re you’re going to be
screwed you you know so like that’s a big thing is like the accountability thing and then like the resentments
resentments I just I see people so many people just just stewing in anger and resentment all the time that person did
me dirty yeah and like even like the smallest things you know someone cuts them off and like it’s it’s like that
anger you got to let that [ __ ] go you got to like clean up your side of things be like well maybe you’re in a bad mood
today maybe you you triggered somebody else you don’t know you know what I mean like and those things are the things
that keep you over in my opinion you know you could be as crazy you know nuttier than squirrel turds but if
you’re like taking accountability being honest another huge one is like so many
people don’t want to be like fearlessly honest they’re so shameful they’re sitting in like this constant like state
of like oh man like I can’t let everyone know who I am I can’t let that’s going to keep you [ __ ] up yeah like let it
go don’t you don’t worry about all that [ __ ] because none of it matters you know like at the end of the day we’re all
just driving suits around anyways in this yeah floating rock you know what I mean like who gives a [ __ ] what this guy
thinks true get your [ __ ] together love the people around you be honest do all those things and you’re going to get
you’re going to be sober you know but if you keep lying and you keep trying to do the old Behavior you keep passing the
buck manipulating passing the bu this well it’s because my mom it’s because my dad it’s because it’s like no because
you’re an adult now fix your [ __ ] heal your inner child and stop making excuses yeah
so yeah um big one I’m I’m a big advocate of 12 steps and then you know
doing the trauma trauma work and inner child work huge meditation huge you know
he’s super into meditation yeah yeah is there any advice that you’d have for people that are that have been diagnosed
with BBD or baline personality disorder oh it’s a it’s a hard one um
it’s a really when you’re in it and your symptoms are really bad one of the things that I would def Ely give my
honest advice would be if you’re newly getting sober especially or if you’re if
you’re trying to fix or work on yourself stay out of relationship for a while
because it’s pretty much what triggers the whole thing you could be borderline and be out of a relationship and be
completely fine and be like I’m cured and the second you get in a relationship you’re it’s it because it’s an
abandonment it’s an abandonment thing you know and so um and as you open up
You’re vulnerable and all those the inter personal chaos working on inner
child processing things like that out of the relationship and then get into a relationship yeah because I feel like
that’s where you’re going to be triggered and you want people to trigger you because wherever the triggers are that’s where the work needs to be done
and I also just I I’m not a a doctor but I implore people to just not take a
diagnosis as an identity yeah that’s what a lot of people your diagnosis you
don’t have to be I I know doctors be like that’s not true but like like I’m telling you I was diagnosis borderline
was diagnosed as NPD I don’t have any of the behavioral traits or the patterns that I had once I worked through it yep
I don’t so yes there are little triggers that pop up but I’m able to process and
cope on my own way I don’t need drugs I don’t need to lash out I don’t think I’m being abandoned every five seconds like
just work on yourself and then like it it will happen you don’t have to be borderline your whole life you don’t
have to be that do you think a facilities like an inpatient facility is the best way to start that process or do
you think just going to therapy um I think being I think people need to get sober I think they need to
go to rehab I think people that that are in trying to do it themselves it’s just
going to spin their wheels you know because for one you’re not um you’re not
dealing with what the problem actually is the problem is you you’ve got issues
that and the drugs and the alcohol are the solution you know so like they’re not the problem they’re the thing that
that’s helping you to um to cope with the issues you’re having so I think a mixture of both um when I went into the
program I was doing the 12 steps my sponsor the first thing she said was get a therapist you know what I mean so like
because there’s a couple things being healthy taking care of yourself that shows self-love you know but like not
trying to like take on everything at once you know I think a lot of people just run into the program and they’re trying to like T they’re like I want to
get everything you know like just yeah give yourself Grace get get a get a sponsor 12 steps you know do all that
and then you know have some mental health help but I I really think rehab detox first always yeah and
you have to get sober first cuz no one can diagnose you even until you get
sober yeah I had a friend who was schizophrenic I’m like you’re on meth bro like like you know like sometimes
you can get Perma fried and stay schizophrenic but like when she was sober she wasn’t schizophrenic so I’m
like you really got to you can’t get diagnosed on drugs you know um even like
newly sober like my interns will be like oh isn’t this person borderline I’m like
let’s wait cuz newly sober your emotions are all over the place yeah newly sober
nuts too I was I was a mess but yeah you just it’s important I I had a treatment
place I had a sober living called The Viking house a few years back but you know I wasn’t able to keep the doors open after a while but it helped a lot
of people you know we had some people you know we would have them come in for free just because for as to be managers
or something at some point or like to help with something but of course like you can’t you know if you’re not getting the rent paid like eventually I was like
all right I paid you know a good amount of money a month to keep the doors open for a while and then I was like all
right this isn’t working so I like the name of it though the Viking house um it was a sober living so it’s a little
different than having a full P Inpatient Rehab which there’s an ability to make a little more to be able to keep the doors
open you know um there’s actually a lot more compared to sober living um but
yeah I just wanted to do something to like to get the word out you know so I’m
basically trying to do that how did that project go for you like it was a cool experience it was a cool experience to
kind of like just to do it and say I did it you know and yeah
what do you think um I know you’ve done a lot of different projects but what do you think was the
most I don’t know inspiring for you or made you grow the most um the project on
myself yeah um it’s been build a [ __ ] for a while
now um yeah I don’t know um I’ve done a lot of music too so I’ve done some I’ve
released music about sobriety and mental health um video you’re really good thank you yeah yeah I have a a song called
broken wings that’s about um mental health and sobriety I have a song called December that’s about being borderline
you know which like I said when I say borderline I use that term Lo Loosely I call it triggers and reactions um we
just happen to have different ones um but yeah so I I really just like to I’m
like I kind of feel like I have to be alive for this there must must be why I’m a pretty spiritual person so but you
don’t have to be to be sober just you know you know you can figure it out as you go and people have different meaning
of what spirituality is and all that so yeah so now what do you see for yourself
in the future what do you want to accomplish H well I really want to have lots of
animals I keep I keep acre new animals that’s my favorite it’s just being around animals um but just continuing on
like just uh putting the word out there and and just being creative and using my
platform for something rather than just you know and it’s funny because I it’s a lot of TNA and sexy stuff and everything
but you know what whatever gets it out there yeah that helps yeah because it shocks people people will be like you
know oh there’s my ass and titties one day and then they’re like I put up like a sobriety post and they’re like whoa and then everyone’s looking you know
because of my ass and titties but then it got them looking right it helps honestly and so so um now
moving forward in like um the music industry or well what is your next
project you uh we’re doing a we’re doing a podcast too so we’re going to be releasing a podcast but it’s going to be
everything I’ll talk about mental health I’ll talk about um the drugs drug addiction um helping people but I’ll
also be talking about you know sex and and all kinds of fun stuff having crazy
people on like I just one thing about my personality is I’m definitely like a
dichotomy you know and I’m definitely very um I don’t know I just can’t be put
in a box I’ve always said that I can just I flip around from one thing to the next some days I’m in the mood to be
wild and crazy the next day I’m like a little dolly Lama like you know like you got I’m like a mix of everything I’m
kind of wild like that I think that’ll be interesting for a podcast oh yeah I I do really great when I’m when I’m in
those kind of environments it’s more of a chill like talking about serious stuff but like
Lov daddy oh yeah I think that’s what it’s called yeah oh yeah can you give us
some like I don’t know shock value crazy stories shock tell you crazy stories I
mean um like where do I begin yeah there’s like U with the with the drugs or with
the just just whatever you think I mean it’s like mental health so just blanketed over that um okay um well when
I was um when I was basically like at the end
of my addiction you know when it was really really bad and I was like at the peak of like my mental illness kind of
thing um I was like getting into like these crazy hoarder thing where I just didn’t throw anything away and like my
house was like really disgusting and um unkempt to say the least I was living in
I was basically squatting in this house um and basically like the we had like
laundry built up like Florida ceiling and um basically like the maggots from
the the sink had gotten into it it was just basically disgusting and um then I
was you know just like living in this this kind of Filth and um and then that’s when I I
basically got and we you know I got arrested and I was able to go in and get
clean but during you know my stay in jail I was like literally sitting there
the the booking and I was so dopesick that I was like um I was picking up
things off the floor in the jail like that were black thinking it could have been like heroin and like eating it God
it was not heroin I don’t know what it was but I’m surprised I don’t have like some crazy bacterial infection from yeah
than I don’t think anything could live in me to be honest at that time um but yeah I mean we’ve had like
I’ve had like a lot of crazy stuff happen in my life I’d have to like narrow it down to like what types of
what year I mean I was in when I was like six years old um my my dad was
wrestling in a place in um in the islands like we were in like St the like the Virgin Islands or something like
that St Martin I don’t know what what those are um and there was like a whole bunch of like Islanders around the
wrestling match that wanted to get get in and they couldn’t get in and so they were throwing stuff to knock them off
the walls and uh they ended up causing like a huge Riot and they started
chasing us through the streets so like the wrestlers like were grabbing me like one of them had me Carrie von Eric who
was a big wrestler at the time he had me over his shoulder and we were like running to this fery down the street and
they were throwing bottles and they were hitting the dudes in the head and stuff like that like like hundreds of
people probably yeah um yeah and then we ended up get he ended up getting us to
the ferry which was this tiny little dingy boat and it was like really bad weather and they pulled us onto the he
went onto the boat and the ferry driver’s like we can’t drive and he’s like we can’t stay here you know like it
was my dad and like a few the wrestlers and then me and my mom and they’re like we can’t stay here we they’re like well
we can’t we can’t take the boat the weather is too crazy and my dad like ended up like kind of assaulting the guy
and he was 400 PBS you know so the guy ended up taking the boat and I remember pretty vividly um being on that water
and being really scared because the water was like really crazy and we’re already running from like all these people and [ __ ] so um yeah it was a core
memory you know definitely I think were you scared of water after that or or
large crowds I don’t know oh I’m really scared of large crowds now you just opened a possibility of why I’m afraid
of large crowds than well at least you have your therapist
no I’m Healed I’m it’s a work in progress always but yeah so you went
from you were in Texas and and then what brought you out to California my dad was a he was an actor so he started um he
started being in the movies he was in bulletproof with Damon Wayne and Adam Sandler you know we went on the red
carpet for that and then he was in Batman and Robin he was Bane we were the red carpet for that and so like it was
like really like he was building up he was going to be something like pretty big you know they were just going to start sending him scripts and stuff like
that and um he was a addicted to painkillers and he was on a lot of steroids so his his body was too big and
too overwhelmed for his heart to handle you know so if you’re like 14 uh 400 PBS
you know 6’4 and you’re sitting in a bed all day and the only thing you do is get up and go work out for four hours and go
back to the bed you know power lift and then like you know your heart he never did a cardio in his life I don’t think
he’s eaten like you know 300 of protein a day you know what I mean like his kidneys is everything you know and then
the painkillers so it was definitely a lot and and then he passed away when you
were how old 12 12 okay yeah so that probably didn’t have um any help with the mental health stuff that’s young I
mean that’s exactly when you’re growing and it’s when it started getting really bad right around 12 it’s like then you
go into like you know you get the hormones all that stuff and then it’s like the depression and the just the
change and the death and all that stuff there was a lot of of it was definitely a big part of it but I can honestly say
that I was different I was a happyish kid before that but I I always
was lonely to some degree I think because I was very like i’ isolate and then I had like my one friend and I was
always different the kids were always and I was always moving around too so like you never really get to get
comfortable um anywhere uh so yeah it was definitely
uh it was definitely like it started early me being different and wanting to
fit in and I remember being like before my dad died he basically was like um I
was fine no no one was dead yet and I was I was taking my mom’s uh powder like
her makeup powder and crushing it up and snorting it and I said when I got like older I was going to do Coke you know
because I mean I saw my parents do it when I was little you know like I was really little so I don’t think they knew that I could remember but I clearly
remembered it because I remember like thinking like that kind of like when you see your parents with a beer and you
think it’s cool you know like I think I saw that or I was exposed to it and um
and it kind of like made me like think oh that’s cool but they were like you know party animals in the 80s you know I
was born 85 so yeah so what would your advice be now
to someone who is like struggling to get help struggling to want to change what
would you say to them well get into it depends on what they want help with if
they’re not if they’re not drug addicts and they just have mental health is issues um I would definitely say to
reach out to some groups reach out to some therapists start trying to get get
your feet wet a little bit and and talk to some people about your feelings and all that stuff and then um you know
start getting into like meditation and like somatic movements and uh eating
healthy eating healthy gut health your gut’s your second brain I’m huge on um a
lot of mental health issues stem like just like depression anxiety stem from gut health uh if you start working on
like what is it is it like a histamine intolerance is it because my guts I gut disbiosis or whatever it is like those
things you know start with the health part of it right and if you’re not getting better with having a clean diet
or an anti-histamine diet or an anti-inflammatory diet and like eating enough protein and doing all those things and then working out getting out
and walking if you’re still struggling that much after that then start to go into you know okay we need to talk to
someone and then you know um try and figure out like some other things a lot of a lot of people have it’s a trauma
thing you know we’re all walking around kind of just wounded and we just need like to get it out and to process it so
um work even I’m sure there’s tons of YouTube videos I’m sure there’s tons of things like people talking about how to like process trauma doing an inner child
meditations I love those you know you can go on YouTube and literally type in inner child meditations and and kind of
soothe your inner child and like you cry your ass off when you do them but they’re really really good um and if
you’re an addict and mentally ill or just an addict um get into a meeting go
to go to meetings every day until and then you know get try and find a rehab
try and just the willingness and to start like pushing past your you know get meet people in the sobriety field
the ones doing it not just talking it because there’s the ones that talk it you see them stand up at the podium and
they talk about all these things and then you see them trying to screw the newcomer or they’re trying to do this or trying to do that they’re not live
they’re not walking it they’re not really about it you know stick with the winners stick with the people that are doing you know practicing the principles
as they say yeah and you’ll be able to see yeah getting a sponsor getting into
a meeting right there it’s free people are giving it away I sponsored people you know I haven’t been sponsoring
people right now but I I feel like my millions of followers are my little spies you know I’m always spreading you
know that’s my way and you’re still able to share your story on there oh yeah this is my way of doing it you know and
um and being creative and stuff and I swear I had like an astrologer read my chart she didn’t even know about my
accounts or anything like that um I it was like all in line and she saw in like one of my placements she was like you
have the ability to influence and uh millions of people and to uh basically
live by example and heal people through example and I was like that’s wild because I have millions of followers and
that’s exactly what I feel like I do so it’s pretty cool and it’s great that you’re using it in a positive way like
like agreeing to be on this podcast well well I have you know I have a a motive
on that yeah but it’s a great motive do you have any I noticed you kept on talking
about like inner child type work right do you have any advice for your inner child um advice or if you could speak to
your inner child what would you say um I mean I do all the time
uh what would I that was like the reason why I asked I had something like I I
actually have kind of something similar to you my mom passed away when I was nine I was an only child I was like I
had this guy that was he was at another rehab facility I guess I’ll say it was like Hope by the
Sea um and he’d made me like write all this stuff like he’d make me like write all these letters to like you know of
course like Mom inner child and like stuff like that I just figured I’d focus on the inner child because that’s what
you mentioned yeah um definitely giving love to being the
being the parent that you should have that you would have wanted you know what I mean like and not to say that like cuz
I love my parents and my parents were great they did the best with what they had but there were they were doing what they had with what they had and so like
basically being the parent to them the way you know you would want someone to be to you know be kind to yourself mhm
that’s what it’s all about like being being safe your safe space your own safe space you know as an adult you’re not
your inner child anymore you have to almost like nurture them yourself as a parent you have kids right no no kids mm
okay yeah I’m an alien I’m GNA get beamed up I’m not going to have kids
here yeah um so how are we doing on time you’re at 45
45 so um did we want to talk about the giveaway on why not and and I thought it
was cool that you actually you know are in recover or you’re in recovery you got
sober and then you also help other people now and you have your own way of doing that and I and I wanted to do this
podcast not only to be able to talk about it but partly because I wanted to give away um some some recovery some
help for people that might want it and you said that you would offer scholarships if I came on yeah we we’ll
absolutely offer scholarship ships you know thank you for coming on we really appreciate it you know we know you’re
doing a lot for us and uh you know we’re really grateful oh no I I I really am
grateful I really want to be able to do something like this yes I don’t think I’ve ever seen it happen and I don’t
know how it’s going to go but I would just like to see it’s going to go really well yeah there’s got to be a lot of people out there as long as it’s like I
want to see people that that want it personally yeah you know what I mean
like cuz I know I’m going to get a lot of people probably saying like oh my daughter and or my son and like let’s go
let’s get them you know and you can’t be the one to do it you know they have to be willing yeah and I’m excited to see I
don’t know how you you’re going to do this but I want to see like their stories and maybe like highlighting
their stories of whoever the winner is you know so we can give away two
initially and then get them in January yeah oh that’ be awesome whenever and
then what does that what does that entail like basically like a detox kind of the first 30 days and a program like
what do they get out I me I’m willing to do it until they complete realistically cuz we have detox res and we have PHP
IOP so they could do the whole thing okay so probably be close to like four
months that would be amazing if people are willing to do it that’s why I want to pick the people wisely cuz 30 days
isn’t enough I don’t think it is but I it gives people a it gives people a
start that’s why I was like you know some people are just people hit me up all the time how’d you do it how’d you
do it and I’m like well I got arrested I don’t know if you want to do that like literally like the only reason I’m
honestly if I’m being honest I wouldn’t have gotten clean I they had to lock me in a cage sometimes something has to
happen it’s like you know intervention oh God knew he’s like he’s like this [ __ ] is not GNA get I literally told
him like man I was like how do I get out of this place like I am getting high like it was you couldn’t keep me from it
and even when if I if you would have put me in a detox I would have left the first day there’s no way I would have stayed I was in a methodone treatment
like before like I tried everything I tried those suboxin I tried all the stuff I don’t personally like the
suboxin thing or anything like that just because I think it does help people if maybe they detox off of it but I just
think you really got to do it the oldfashioned way now I used to feel that way about it but since fenel it’s scary
it is scary cuz like literally they’re just hitting it wrong with the lighter you know what like back in my day it was
like okay I had to know I was doing a little bit too much in the shot but now it’s like oh I didn’t know how to light
it properly off the foil and like you know somebody dies yeah so that’s that’s true you could that could definitely
give me a different view on it to the point of like there is something out there that’s so dangerous and they’re people’s kids and stuff like that and
like just having something that keeps them sober or keeps them you know alive
what it is if you can extend like their time alive maybe they didn’t work yeah the the subox didn’t work for me because
I couldn’t even get 24 hours to get because you have to take sub box and after kicking and being in florid
withdrawals I couldn’t even get 24 hours to take the damn sub boxin so I was like all right and then my ex was like okay
we have $100 left I will yuk use the $100 I’ll kick the old fashion way and
you can have methadone and so we went down to Downtown LA and I would get methadone like in line and like he’s
sitting there shivering you know like dying and I’m like passed out and on methodone on the bed and then like 3
days later 4 days later like the week later whatever it would be like then they start lowering that dose and then I
start not feeling it I start having to stay awake a little more and then I start all those feelings that I have that I was covering up start coming up
and then I’m like I’m going to go get high and I remember just being like are you kidding me I just kicked the you
know and then so I would go get a sack and then get him high again you know what I mean so like I was just like I’m not getting clean I don’t want to live
like this you you don’t want to live in my head I don’t want to live in this filth and then you start getting clean and you look at your house you feel that
you smell everything you just like like what was I doing like this is my life like I don’t even want to be here
you know what I mean like so it’s it’s a Escape you just keep kind of going through that same door but jail was
probably the best thing that ever happened to me I don’t think they’re arresting
people anymore for using I don’t know I don’t think that they really are which is really sad I think pation sometime I
don’t know yeah it’s like unless you’re already caught up in the system like if you’re caught up in the system then it’s like you know they’re definitely going
clients with court cases I’d be dead there’s no way if I live if it was that time there’s no way did you get sober
before fentanyl yes thank God you did it’s such a different Beast I did too I’ve never done it and I was a huge
cocaine user which is also getting laced a lot like people are dying from that um my my trainer that I had he found a sack
of what he thought was coke it was like in a little baggie and he did a line and died like and yeah so um there’s been a
lot of just like like and people like doing just getting Coke and they don’t test it and there’s like a little bit of Fentanyl and or something they’re trying to get people hooked on itary it just
like makes them that much more potent yeah and so I would get it from people
all the time that I didn’t know you know like I’m like oh I can’t get it from this guy I’ll get it from this guy like I wouldn’t have even but still it’s like
a street yeah and there was so many times where it get it would get laced with meth like I would have Coke and
there was meth in it and you think I’m not going to do it I I don’t have any other options you know I hate meth I was
like literally like picking the little crystals out of it trying to get just the coke it was like the picking the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms you
know what I mean um I just can’t do the the crystal thing but yeah I feel like
in California they almost like give it away oh yeah yeah it seems like it I don’t know about like right now but at
least back then yeah they’d like give you some meth if you bought a bag of dope sometimes oh really cuz I don’t
know I think they get it so cheap yeah because it’s made in a freaking bathtub Plus close to you know that line
the Border yeah um they weren’t giving me heroin that [ __ ] was
expensive there was a point where I was doing like you know two different types I was like I was doing like China white
and black tar at the same time and Coke I was doing a little mixoo like dude I’d be so dead if it was
now so it’s way worse yeah I really and there’s I
would it really bums me out because I just like there’s so many people I know in recovery that are clean but they go
out like my girlfriend that I went to school with you know she we used to like hang out and she would be like shooting up in a room and stuff like that she got
sober literally two years later she’s in the recovery everything now she’s dead you know it’s like there’s just so many
like people that are and so many stories that wasn’t even fentanyl like she just that was just heroin the problem is now
people are getting on Fentanyl and then they get clean for a couple weeks or couple months and then they go back out
to try and get fentanyl and they die instantly that’s where he’s like okay the subox suboxin might help I’m a
proponent of it honestly of suboxin I used to not be I’m not on suboxin I got sober you know when I look at myself but
I would always try the sober thing first you know what I mean just but like just this I definitely can see why suboxin is
not is I still like I don’t know I mean I’m not in recovery myself so and I
can’t give medical advice to my clients but for what I’ve seen happen a lot with
the clients is that they’ll be on it just for a little bit and then they eventually they want to get off of it
and a lot of times the sublate shots been helping that subate is really good how are you feeling about how isn’t The
detox off of sub boxing worse than the detox off of heroin there’s a ways kind of around it now it’s weird oh really
the subate if you like take the subate shot in certain sequences it can be not
so bad if they’re on it for long term yes but if they get off of
Pretty the subate shot that will keep them from those MA withdrawals that they’re having so that’s why I like the
shot I’ve never heard of that yeah so there’s definitely some things have changed like I said I couldn’t even get
on to boxing because I couldn’t get 24 hours yeah I was like you know I’m not
doing 24 hours dop sick especially when you’re people always think like oh you’re shooting it it’s worse shooting
it’ll take you down a darker path you know what I mean there’s a part where you just I noticed like once people put
a needle in their arm it just goes like even worse like I don’t even know how much worse I could have gotten but I’m
sure it was worse but the detoxing off of smoking it compared to shooting it I
heard is like worse because when you’re smoking it you’re getting it in your
lungs you’re getting it in your like everything you know what I mean when you’re shooting it’s cleaner it goes in your bloodstream and it comes out I
never understood why but I I that’s what people were oh when I was in jail the girls were like oh okay you’re they’re
giving me their cookies and stuff trying to help me out of course I puke it up right away but they’re like okay shooting it or SM sming and I was like
oh smoking it’s fine they’re like oh they’re all like you’re so screwed I was
like and I’m telling you when I when I detox off that stuff it was I I’ll never forget it it was the worst detox like I
I came off of painkillers 40 a day by myself with no detox facility and I was
sick but I made it and it wasn’t horrible this was like train spotting [ __ ] you know what I mean like just
completely hallucinating like throwing up everywhere like I was I couldn’t even
I didn’t even know where I was like it was I couldn’t keep even time at jail water down yeah yeah that’s a lot of
narcos to like 400 that’s 400 milligrams even the tylon alone is the
key is you take you take four you peek you take four you Peak you take four and
then you know 10 times a day by the end of the night you taking 40 you it’s quite easy
actually that’s insane yeah I didn’t and the doctor was like when I told him how many I took when I was trying to get
clean he was like how are you alive he’s like we literally had a guy come in here today and we had to put a toe tag on him
because he had taken like 30 or something like that the the Tylenol is like really bad mhm it’s horrible for
your liver I know I’m still working on Liver Health um one question we usually ask a
lot is like what do you think uh came first the mental health or the substance abuse the mental health the mental
health mhm because I think because knowing how it is now and I can’t even say CU I I’m I’m forever going to keep
the mentality that I’m an alcoholic there’s no doubt about it and I won’t go and I’m not I don’t use no matter what
but there’s a part of me that knows deep down after doing all the the work that I did one I have zero I have zero interest
in checking out I don’t like to even take anything even a supplement that makes me feel different never felt that
way in my life um and I just don’t have the desire at all and I know I know if I
took something I would be repulsed by it and not want to take it because it would make me feel different and I like being sober now so I think the mental health
if I wasn’t so sick and I wasn’t so sad and I wasn’t trying to like medicate myself I think I would have probably
never gotten addicted like the way I was you know I can I have an addicted personality like when health and fitness
I tend to go hard on everything but unresolved trauma is what got me as dark
as I believe it got you know and so are there any things you
know just just because we’re doing the rehab giveaway I guess you could call it um what are some of the things that you
take with you today that you picked up at the Rock Center well everything but um definitely
I’m who the [ __ ] am I I’m not that special you know because there’s a heart there’s it’s given me humility that I
didn’t have um and you know not being in like a really really nice place and like
just basically realizing that I’m the same as pretty much everybody else in a lot of ways um and then just basically
um Life On Life’s terms you know that was a huge one basically just like
accepting things as they are is like the key to to sobriety in a lot of ways because we always think we can change or
we can be the the captain of everything like it’s going to we’re going to somehow will things the way we want them
to be willed but it’s not how it goes yeah you have to trust God and help others and just wait for what’s what’s
meant to be but also manifest you can manifest I agree 100% manifestation is a
fact so I’m not saying be well this is life I’m just saying like accept life
accept things as they come and then manifest the best like I will get better I am better I am this this is happening
for me I am not this person I you know and just constantly focusing on those things yeah do you have like a specific
daily routine that you super rtin no I’m very Ro I’m very
routine how does it look I wake up and I you know I get dressed I do my first
like little mini breakfast I go to my training session um come back eat my
second breakfast which is like I always do protein forward I take my supplements which is like you know vitamin D and
like my B vitamins all that stuff um I have like a tin step skincare
routine um I do I haven’t been meditating as much lately but usually
I’ll do like a meditation in the morning and one at night um and I love Joe despenza he’s like I love so good and
like really like gets you like amped it’s almost like he’s gets you like hyped you know the science yeah science
behind the science behind visualization like all that stuff cool yeah I I tend to like try and keep myself out side as
much as possible because I feel like if I sit in the house too long I’ll start scrolling and my me being a little dopamine rat sometimes like that scroll
will keep you like locked in so I’ll try and like you know go on a hike or go ride my horse uh something like that but
mostly I just have like a pretty stringent like morning and nighttime routine you know when I go to sleep I
definitely like go in around 9 to 10: sit I don’t go on the phone I don’t
scroll I just I’ll watch like a a show or I’ll read um I love to read like
scientific stuff about like the brain and about longevity and about you know just understanding I was a Psychology
major at one point so like just anything with that I love I’m reading a book
right now on the gut and gut health send it to you gut health is that’s my jam I
did a whole yearlong gut health journey and it made a huge difference you can literally cuz your serotonin’s made in
your gut you can feel like the serotonin that like warm fuzzy feeling when you
start to heal your gut come back it’s it’s wild like I’m very in touch with my body though so some people like I don’t
get it I’m like no I can feel it well especially after you do all that
work and the sematic work oh yeah I feel everything I’ll literally like any little difference I’m like I’m off today
something’s off you know and then I’ll like kind of What Glenn always tells me to do is like drop into my body check in
like okay what’s going on what are you feeling you know like if something triggers me I’ll like usually usually I
would let me spin out and I’d be like oh yeah [ __ ] that [ __ ] and I’m just like now I’ll go wait a minute why do I
1:00:02
why is this affecting me what is it in me that’s not that’s resonating with this you know and usually you’ll get a
1:00:07
message you know if you’re really listening you’ll get a message like oh this makes you feel less than this person’s making you feel small and
1:00:14
you’re not you know like this or you feel small because this or you know whatever it is no one can make you feel anything but um and you start to kind of
1:00:22
like process it on your own you learn your little tools to like go okay and then you’re like I’m not so mad anymore
1:00:28
you know understanding mhm I do a lot of understanding and empathizing these days
1:00:33
which I never did before I was a narcissist remember like now I’m the most empathetic person I’m like
1:00:39
obviously that [ __ ] is not all what they say you know like they have no empathy
1:00:44
and I’m like I’m literally like I see like an animal anything I’m like oh my God I like feel everybody’s pain yeah I
1:00:51
also feel like there was a time where they therapists were just over diagnosing like crazy it’s part of the
1:00:57
system I feel like it’s kind of like just that revolving door like you’re talking about yeah plus like the
1:01:03
things that she was diagnosing me the narcissism on I was going through a breakup and I was going through a lot of weird things and so those triggers and
1:01:10
those Behavior like patterns were getting really crazy because I was trying to control because I didn’t want
1:01:16
to be abandoned really deep down like I don’t want to be abandoned so what I’m doing is I’m like controlling oh yeah well let me manipulate this person feel
1:01:22
this and I never want to let this person go and I never want and so like people she’s like whoa narcissism and I’m like
1:01:28
no it’s a little girl in there that’s afraid to be left and it’s afraid of not having love and then they’re trying to
1:01:34
move everything around to make yeah fear at that point she should just be like trauma well that’s why she didn’t stay
1:01:40
my therapist yeah yeah that’s good and I found the right person you know and he was like oh I was like well I’ve been
1:01:45
diagnosed with I was all triggered when I was talking to him the first time and I was like and I’m this and I’m that and he goes you’re none of those things and I was like well yeah I mean a therapist
1:01:52
have told me I’ve had multiple therapists diagnose me and he’s like I’d say triggered about 90% of the time and
1:01:57
this is what’s really going on and he literally just shut me up and was like okay we’re going to do this this is how your brain works this is how we
1:02:03
reprogram you you’re a computer you know and what you believe yeah you can brainwash yourself I’m really good at
1:02:09
brainwashing myself and it’s worked out it’s amazing yeah so any um I guess last
1:02:18
words or things that you want to share on the podcast [ __ ] [ __ ] get
1:02:24
money um no um just that I’m really excited to do the Christmas giveaway and
1:02:30
and hopefully get some people that really really want this help it’s a really big gift so well I guess I have
1:02:36
one last question then what are you looking for in those um like what do you
1:02:42
think would speak to you where you um well who’s done with who wants to put
1:02:48
the shovel down basically I want to see people that really are like willing to do whatever it takes I will go tomorrow
1:02:55
I will I want this this is something not people that are like oh well I got my this and I well I don’t want to you know
1:03:02
if you’re not ready I can I just it’s not going to work you know you really have to be done you know I’m sure you
1:03:09
can tell to some degree I think I don’t know I haven’t gotten maybe it’ll be harder than I think maybe be more people
1:03:15
than I think that are you know but we’ll see it’s going to be cool to see yeah
