Podcast Transcript
welcome to straight jacket podcast I’m Rachel Honda I’m a licensed clinical social worker and this is my co-host my
name is Jeff I’m here on behalf of Mental Health Resource and this is our guest today
rubiana and she is a mental health counselor and she’s also a group
facilitator in grief and loss a mother a friend and she’s also in
recovery hi so Ruby um if you could just give me a
little bit of a background about yourself okay so I was uh raised in the
Inland Empire um I had a stay-home mom and a hardworking father I’m the fourth
out of five children um we didn’t have Addiction in our family um in fact it
was frowned upon you know um my father would make comments like um you know we
were the good family the perfect family and everybody else had problems right so we couldn’t really voice if we had
issues um it was children could are to be seen and not heard so um it made for
you make everything look good on the outside um that’s just what they knew
you know um it’s how they were raised and it’s how they raised us um and I
being the fourth almost the baby I I was pretty spoiled M you know know um and it
was it was difficult because um my little sister Tina she um she kind of
lived in my shadow a bit um my dad got sick when he was
52 and um had a stroke which left my mom to care for him and at the time I
thought my mom was old you know she was like 43 um but now at 54 I’m going my God she
lost her best friend friend she lost you know they got married at 16 so she was grieving horribly and in a sense I lost
my mother I was 17 at the time so I was graduating high school and um my mom and
I were very very close and my dad gets sick and now she’s grieving so my mom pretty much stops
being a parent if you will so I’m kind of like like a bird out of the cage because
I was raised very very strict um and I couldn’t do much of anything but once my dad got sick all I were off the kids and
then my mom was you know so busy caring for him that um it was a time of it was
a pivotal moment in my life where um I can go this way or that way and I was
working for Disney at the time I was a dancer and um I got my first job at 15
and a half for Disney here in California and um at 18 audition to go
to Tokyo and I got that audition which was amazing because it was at the time I
dad got sick so it was a good time to escape and what I didn’t know at the time and now looking back is that I had
alcoholic behaviors prior to ever taking a drink and I called it self-medicating because I was afraid of my own shadow I
was afraid of everything um and I couldn’t be without my mom I was um I
couldn’t I couldn’t speak to anybody make eye contact with someone or have a conversation but if you put me on a
stage if you gave me a costume I was um Snow White and Alice in Wonderland so if I could do those things I was great but
the second I had to be Ruby there was a problem um and it wasn’t until I was 26 when I realized that I had had um I had
had a family member who had molested me and I started getting those memories while I was pregnant so when I look back
now I realized okay there was some things that were happening we didn’t have that perfect family like we thought
um you know be quiet the neighbors might hear all those things you know so everything was kind of pushed down and
pushed down and then as I got older and I was becoming a mother is when it started to surface and I started to see
where um why I behave the way that I did and why I was always um I want I had
almost have the disease of more I want more you know I don’t just want to work for Disney I want to work for Disney and Tokyo I want to you know I don’t just
want to um be a tap Downer or I I want to work in New York like and I did I just went and went and I was just
running and running and running and I was just a Gardener’s daughter we didn’t have much money but we had enough um and
uh but I just saw the world as like my oyster I could do anything and um I just
wanted to do great things right and uh but what I didn’t realize is that I was
I was running from my truth basically and then from there it just
um once I started self-medicating with alcohol is when things got really really
dark MH and you said um running from your truth and what are some of those truths
I think at that point I was only at the time I had my 19th birthday in Japan and at that time um like I said I was
conditioned to believe that we were perfect right I had a good upbringing um drug addicts and alcoholics are no
better than the scum at the bottom of my shoe my father would say um he was a Korean vet um a Corporal in the Army and
a good man and worked really hard so my mom could stay home and raise five kids um so that was
my that was kind of my bar on where I you know this is who we are and then I I
when I had the memories of what I had what happened to me as a little girl um I figured out I was less than 5 years
old and it was a family member and I realized hey we were not that perfect you know there’s there’s something going
on here um and then the first drink that I had I was 16 before before going to Japan and it was a blackout my very
first drink so I drank alcoholically the very first time and I drank only so that I could fit in so that I could have the
courage to go to that party like I said I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere so everything was a sneak and a lie so my
behaviors were sneaky I was lying I was um saying I was at work cuz I got off at
Disney about 12:30 at night and um I would tell my mom I was working when I wasn’t working and I would do um Shady
things and yeah that’s like a normal teenager right just get out but for me I would get so drunk that I was that girl
I was the girl that did the Wild and mind you I’m quiet I’m shy I can’t make eye contact with you I get good grades I
don’t go to the principal’s office I follow the rules I’m a rule follower but give me a beer all out the window I’m
that girl yeah and then the next day I’m like I’m not that girl you know um so
the behaviors were there uh very young um and it wasn’t until tragedy hit my
life that um uh the drinking became um drinking to die mhm you know
but there’s a lot of stuff that happened in between there yeah and what was the
tragedy or tragedies um well okay so when I was in Japan at 19 I come home
and all I knew was to be a wife and a mother I was raised with a stay-home mom and she would tell me things like you
don’t need an education you’re pretty find a man that could support you she was old school you know and I was like
okay I guess that’s what I’m supposed to do but me being um what I didn’t know at the time alcoholic I’m like no I want to
be a movie star and you know I’m G to have everything I’m going to be rich and famous and um but what had happened was
I got pregnant I ended up coming back from Japan and I met uh my first husband who I should have stayed with he’s a
wonderful Puerto Rican from the Bronx Henry and Henry and I have four Sons now
today but um we got married very young and I think I married him just to get out of the house because I didn’t have
another gig lined up after Japan you know I was I was headed to go to Las Vegas to become a showgirl but I was too
young to work in the casino so um I ended up with a job for the Excalibur and that was 19
um 1990 that’s when the Excalibur yeah I got that job and then Henry and I moved
to Vegas and um I got pregnant there and I was pregnant with twins so always like I
couldn’t just have one you know so here I’m pregnant with twins we don’t have any money and all my dreams are
shattered because I was supposed to be Cleopatra you know at Caesars and I was supposed to be the jousting girl at um
at Excalibur and you know my my dreams were gone so it was like the end of the
world for me and I never wanted to be a mother that was not something I wanted to do but here I was now pregnant with
twins but I didn’t know I was pregnant with twins until um 5 months in and then they were born at 6 lb a half o and 6 lb
7 so um I yeah I’m sorry 2 PB a half
ounce 2 lb 7 at 6 and a half months so the Twins were born very early and I didn’t really have time to prepare for
anything um and during that time is when again now looking back I could see that
you know poor Henry he had two jobs he worked at the truck station and you know changing oil for um
for diesels and he also worked at amm here he left Chico State he had a full ride for football but he left to be with
me and I was just like the ruler and it says in our book Alcoholics Anonymous you know um everybody wants to be the
actor they want to be the the director right and they want to um make the story
the way that they want to make it and control everything and that’s exactly how I was when I look back I was not yet
drinking but I was still the control freak you know um if two jobs isn’t enough you need to get three you know
all of those things and um because that’s how my dad was my dad would work and work and work so you need to work
and work and work and um so three years into that marriage and three babies later um I decided that Henry wasn’t a
go-getter and I could make more money so off I went to Japan again for another job and at this time I worked for um the
fuka Woka Dome was a new um it’s kind of like you know Anaheim Stadium but closed
off and um I went over for PR work and I did commercials and um The Opening
Ceremonies for Fukuoka and it was a super cross race and I had already filed for divorce from Henry and um and I met
husband number two okay and he was a motocross racer and I was a trophy girl
and um he didn’t even win that race that night but he came in 14th but we ended
up getting married two weeks later as soon as my divorce papers came in and that’s where I the reason why let me
back up the reason why I left husband number one I thought he wasn’t motivated I thought he was didn’t work hard enough
and he also smoked pot and there was no way I was going to be with somebody who did drugs no way so husband number two
turned out to be a cocaine addict and I didn’t know that because I was you know I was innocent I didn’t know so here I
am 23 years old with three babies and I meet husband number two and I move in
immediately we get married and now we’re traveling and what I don’t know at the
time is he’s using cocaine and that he had been to rehab before um
and at that point um it’s a good time though you know
because I I’m very much in love and I’m you know I have these little babies uh
Jacob was two 12 weeks old the Twins were two two and a half and we’re
traveling to Paris and Belgium and Spain and I’m getting to I love traveling so
I’m I’m able to see places I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to do and we’re very much in love and then about a year
in is when I realized that there’s something not right with this guy he would do things like I’m going to go um
to the store or I’m going to go get a tan and he would come back five days later five days days gosh um but I
didn’t know addiction I didn’t I didn’t I thought it was another woman come to find out it was cocaine because he only
race 12 times a year so we were home a lot and um I thought it was another woman it
turns out it was cocaine and what I started doing is I started to drink at him I’ll show you
I’ll get good and drunk so I got into the wine of the month club and I bought some really expensive wine glasses
because um he’d have to pay for them and it was my way of getting back you know
um because I could I was stuck with babies I couldn’t do anything um and that’s how it started that’s how my
drinking um was kind of out of control I mean I I was never a good drinker but I
always called it self-medicating because I was very depressed because of what I what I married um I was very scared
because my dad’s disabled my mom doesn’t make I can’t go home with babies um and
it just wasn’t an option and I wanted to make it work um
so I did the best I could you know I never had alcohol in the home but when I
would have my little parties and stuff you know the women would bring their bottles I would get two bottles a week
and then my neighbors would end up with a cabinet filled with alcohol and then they’d come to see my cabinet and
there’d be none in there CU I was hitting the bottles when they weren’t over you know you know I would have my
wine in the bathtub and I would just say well I’m just coping I’m coping with him if you got and my sisters would chime in
and say Ruby you know what’s going on with you um and I would say things like if you only knew how normal it was for
me to drink you wouldn’t ask me to stop um it helped me function and I had a
sponsor one time that said Ruby I think alcohol saved your life for a time until it didn’t um things were still social
you know he would get well or he would come home and he would be sober for a while I’d send him to Betty Ford and I
would think you did 30 days be well and as soon as he’d relaps I’d divorce him so moving forward we divorced six times
we were married seven times and because I divorce him every time he’d relapse I didn’t know I had I had no idea what
addiction was I just thought you get cured you know just like you take a pill for a headache I I had no idea and
meanwhile I’m becoming alcoholic meanwhile I’m I’m drinking over every emotion because I have absolutely no
emotional um sobriety whatsoever and I don’t know recovery um and then it was the fourth
divorce the fourth divorce usually we divorce we get right back together you know he has we would call it the summer
house the winter house we have a place in Palm Springs and place in and so you know we just had this is just how we
were you know we were just different and it was okay until the divorce where he moved in a woman and that was oh gosh
that to me was the um then I was really drinking I was that person that was out
um I didn’t know what to do he had moved her into my home um and that was new and
I was devastated cuz it was the cat and mouse game yeah up in until then so um
what had happened was um I got my second well oh I forgot about my first Dei my
first DUI let me back up my first DUI was in 1997 I was 27 years old and the
boys were going to visit their dad for the weekend it was my my second husband’s birthday and he was in Japan
for a motorcycle race and I had stopped traveling with him because the children were now in um kindergarten and I didn’t
want them to be on the road so I stayed home with them and that’s really where problems started where infidelity and
all of those things would start and on his end and um so what had happened was
it was his birthday I went out to buy him a gift and I met a couple of girls at The Claim Jumper Restaurant and I had
never had hard alcohol then I was 27 and I ordered whatever my friend ordered
which was a comicazi and those drinks were pretty big and I had one of those long story short I offered to give my
friend a ride home we got in a car accident where we both flew out of the car landed on the road and um and she
sued me um she wanted my husband’s money cuz I had just filed for divorce wow and
I was sued yeah I was sued for 300,000 by the grace of God though it was like we landed in the road on God’s hands
like this because there was no broken bones um we spent 5 days in the hospital I had medical insurance she did not so I
went to the county hospital so I could be near her um I remember having so much guilt and shame cuz at this time I don’t
think I’m alcoholic you know I’m just an occasional go out mom who’s mad at her husband I I have no idea that I’m
drinking poorly I have no idea about anything and um but I feel so much guilt
and shame that I’m paying her house payment and and I’m I’m I’m doing everything I can for her I got her
cosmetic surgery because there was Asphalt in her chest and um but anyway you slice it I’m to blame right so I end
up with a felony DUI I was looking at 18 months in a state prison they didn’t want gel time and because she was suing
me and pressing for charges um and my husband wasn’t a very nice man so when
he found out about it he flew home and I remember him ripping my wedding ring off my finger when I was in the the
ICU um but we walked out of that and it was it was by the grace of God that we
walked out of that and um that she was okay and there was no lifetime injuries
um but I went ahead and I took the heat of that lawsuit so that my husband could
be excluded and the and I had to Quick Claim properties back to him and whatever because I had gotten the properties in other divorces but I ended
up losing everything at that accident and I stopped drinking I was like I’m never going to drink again like this is
no way you know not worth it and then four months in um I took a drink and it
was with my husband at dinner so but I wasn’t in recovery you know it was just like I’m not going to drink again like
that but I I also I remember talking to my lawyer saying I think that um this
accident would have happened no matter what I really didn’t believe that I was um cuz I’m like people that are drunk
drivers or people that that have no regard for life people that are just you
know driving like that’s not me I just went out to meet a couple single moms and we just you know had some appetizers
at cllean jumper on a Saturday night I’m a good person you know remember I’ve never been to the principal office you
know I’m thinking this doesn’t happen to people like me I’m not a drunk driver
you know I hate women like that I hate women that hurt their children and now I’m looking at my little boy one day I’m
going through the trial and I I’m taking him to kindergarten and my son Ryan one of the twins and I said Ryan if you come
home from school Mama might not be here but don’t worry I’ll be calling you and you know cuz I thought I was going to go
to jail so I became that woman and I remember him saying mama I think it’s
like a bad dream you know um and at that point I still didn’t think I was
alcoholic or I didn’t think I had um depression I didn’t think that maybe
there’s something wrong with the way I respond to things that happen in my life yeah you know um I didn’t realize that I
didn’t realize a lot of things at that time I was still very much in denial to what I was battling that would later
come to fruition yes yes absolutely yeah so then after the um
first di when did the second one the first DIY was 1997 um the second DIY is when the all
King oh that is okay which is in 2005 and that’s when the divorce came so now we’re at 2005 and this is the what I
call the real divorce because there’s now another woman I had had um when I
had married my husband I had had a tuation which um I couldn’t have any more children or didn’t want any more
children I had three sons at the time and 5 years in he wanted his own child
which he was young we were I was 23 he was 24 he wanted his own child and this is how much I didn’t know about
addiction I said well maybe it’ll change him maybe if I have his baby he’ll get sober maybe that’s what’s missing and he
was a wonderful I will say that he is a wonderful father to all of my children
I’ll give him that and he could ride a motorcycle I’ll give him that too but as far as a husband not so much but um so
2005 The Other Woman comes and that’s where I’m really grieving I’m G grieving my money I’m grieving my home I’ll be
the first to say I didn’t know how to work like anymore I had given up my career as it was at that time I was
modeling and stuff like that and then when he left me for someone else now I’m
like 30 something and I’m thinking that’s old back then I’m washed up I don’t have an education I should have
listened when people say get an education it’s something nobody could ever take from you and here I was just
somebody that had four children now cuz I had had my daughter for him I had two surgeries to have her so I have Jules
Jules is 5 years old my only daughter and um when my husband moved this woman
in he cut me off financially and I had signed a prenup so I didn’t know how to support myself I put myself through
beauty school and um put myself to beauty school and then
one of my friends was working at one of those gentleman clubs as a waitress and
I saw the kind of money she was making and I’m like like well okay but in order to do that job I had to drink cuz it
went against everything I believe in oh my gosh if anyone ever finds out but the kids are still little they’ll never find
out um I’ve got to do what I got to do to take care of these kids but it killed me it killed me and I remember my sister
found out and my sister said well Ruby you’re going to start doing drugs because those girls do drugs and I thought I’ll never do drugs never would
I do that until I did that and so now I’m taking because I was such a bad drinker
that I started taking pills so that I wouldn’t get too drunk and that’s where the cross addiction started started
taking Xanax um vicadin um I would call it my liquid
cocaine I would take vicadin with Red Bull and that way I could work all night
and then I didn’t want to work in my own backyard so I drive to Vegas when my children were at Dad’s on the weekends
and I would work during the week and I would stay intoxicated the entire time so that I could do what I had to do to
come home so I would have money for the month for my rent or whatever and it was a very hard time and still stay in
school then finally I graduated from school I got through that second DUI um on the second DUI because the
first DUI was so major I was on a 10-year formal or 10year um not formal
probation the other one but it was still probation so when I got the second DUI in 2005 I violated probation just a shy
of three months so it was very serious and I went through a lot I jumped
through a lot Hoops there for the State of California and I was scared all the time but it didn’t stop my drinking
because I had to do what I had to do you know in my head it was like nobody’s going to give a Christmas present to my
child nobody’s going to pay my electric bill I’ve got to do this and my husband was just horrible he wouldn’t give us
anything so um that was 2005 in 2005 when I got that accident I
had pulled over cuz I felt the effects of the alcohol and um um I was at my personal trainers house because remember
see I think I’m supposed to be a movie star so even though I’m poor I have personal trainers and I’m still living
that life I’m trying to keep up with what I had before so I’m at my personal trainer’s house and we’re having a barbecue and on I had had wine and on
the way home I could feel the effects of the alcohol and I was living in Anaheim Hills at the time and I had pulled over
had this little black Mercedes and I passed out while I was on the phone asking for a ride home and um appar
apparently the paramedics broke the back window of my vehicle that’s how out I was to get me out of the
car and um I remember going to jail it was the first time I went to jail
because I was in the hospital with the first DUI so now I’m in jail and I remember
thinking honestly I was thinking I’m too cute to be in Jael that’s how much in denial I was I was wearing a really cute
jacket and I came to in Jael and I’m like oh my God I’m totally in jail right
that that’s how I was and um I still hadn’t been knocked off that horse you know I still hadn’t been humbled I was I
didn’t even know what humbled was I was still trying to get to where I used to be without him and at all cost even if I
had to work in those dark horrible places I was not going to let my kids go without and they were going to wear the best clothes and they were going to live
in the best neighborhood and we might be in an apartment but by God they were going to be in the best apartment and
but I was killing myself to do it so um I went to jail um I had one of my
customers excuse me customers bail me out because when you’re in that in that
Circle there’s always somebody right a damsel in distress and I was in distress
and so I was learning how to manipulate I was learning how to I had like a bad case of sterrius if you will what can I
get from each person what can I get from each person if a doesn’t give it B will give it if B doesn’t give it c will get
I’m not proud of this but it’s what it was yeah and um it was surv and it was you know it was never for a
nice outfit it was always for what I can do to keep the roof over and the food and the clothes and and private school
for my daughter and all those things um but at any rate uh so DUI number two I
get through it I spend um a long time in treatment but I put myself there because
I realize now I think I have a problem but I wasn’t sure if my problem was alcohol or if I was just
crazy right wasn’t sure I wasn’t sure what came first the chicken or the egg
and does it really matter and that’s what I got at the end but so it was a battle of what is wrong with me you know
what is wrong with me and so um I go into treatment and I went to this place
and I often joke with people about it who know where I went because I went to a place called and and no disrespect it
was good treatment treatment is treatment as long as you got a big book you know and there’s no drugs or alcohol it’s good treatment but it wasn’t BL
Bloomington California and if you know Bloomington is hard and it was I won’t
say what it was called but it was in Bloomington and people would joke and say what’s the matter Ruby could you not find one in Compton you know cuz it was
Hardcore and here I had never been to treatment my husband had been to Betty for but he’s got the money I’ve got
nothing so and I don’t know about State funding I don’t know about finding resources all I know is that I think I’m
in trouble and I’m going to do anything to get better cuz this is not who I’m supposed to be I’m better than this I am
not a drunk I’m a mom and I don’t get I don’t go to jail so I was petrified so I
put myself in this place and I I’ll never forget I didn’t have I had like $1,500 in savings which wasn’t really
savings it was like the first was coming it was my rent but it was $1,000 a week
to go to this place um and I paid it not realizing I could have got medical you
know out of these babies but and they took Medical but I didn’t know that until much later and I put myself there
for 2 weeks because that’s all I could afford but that’s where I got the taste of there’s a different way I got a taste
of mental illness I got a taste of um addiction yeah and even though I was
sending my husband places years prior his was different mine was more like um
for me it was I do what I have to do just so I can get mentally straight to handle life yeah does that make sense I
wasn’t checking out for 5 days CU I wanted to go party I wasn’t going to dance clubs and and going out to bars so
I could have a good time and meet people no I was doing what I had to do just so I can function just so that I can do
life and um that’s where in treatment in those two weeks the seed was planted and
I knew there was another way to live and that there might be something deeper going on with me yeah um so you finally
admitted you were now going I I admitted there that I was an alcoholic I admitted there that I might no no no I admitted
that I might have a drinking problem okay it’s progress fast
forward when I knew I had a drinking problem was um it was Halloween and I
dressed up and I went out with my friends and I of course had too much to drink I came back my boys were living um
you know 50/50 between me and the ex-us the good husband I shouldn’t say good but the one that I didn’t have trouble
with the first husband I should have stayed with um they were living with him half time Jules was going to her dad’s
when you know and I was free of kids and this is where I learned about codependency I would go to the grocery
store and walk around the grocery store and I would think okay the kids aren’t going to be here this week I knew what
they like to eat I know what he likes to eat but I didn’t know what I like to eat I didn’t know the only thing I knew is I
like white red wine I like red wine so I would I would get that and I would think
well when the kids come home I can get this and this but that was kind of when I realized I don’t know what I like
I didn’t have hobbies I didn’t really have friends I had people that I met in school I had people you know was now
assisting as a hair stylist did a really good salon and stuff like that but I didn’t go out so I didn’t really know
what ruby who Ruby was without him and I was going through this um identity
crisis yes and this grief of what now you know I he was he took care of me I
didn’t know what to do so um now um um it’s about 10 days into my second
treatment it was after that Halloween party where I called my sister and I said Debbie I think I have a problem I
think I really am this alcoholic that I learned about at that first place I am really sick and my sister Minds you my
family we don’t do alcoholism or we don’t do mental illness because we’re perfect but now looking back my mom she
was definitely she had some depression going on um maybe even a little bipolar
she probably should have drank it probably would have been good for her to just yellow her out but um God bless her
she was wonderful but she was very high and low so you know when people ask is there mental illness in your family absolutely but I think back then like I
said before I’m 54 I think back then it just wasn’t talked about you know um it
was Hush Hush so um the what had happened was the third
DUI was um I had put myself into treatment after that Halloween party and
it was 10 days in and and um this is when I I’m going to go Full Throttle I’m going to learn
everything I got to learn until my insurance gives up because now I have insurance from a new boyfriend that I met at the club and he’s 10 years
younger and I’m doing better I’m doing better I’m over the you know kind of over the divorce and um but I’m sick you
know I’m you know and so here I am trying to get get information about who I am that’s pretty much how I S I need
to figure out what’s going on and once I figure out what it is I can fix it that’s all I just want a solution yeah
and um so I’m in there for 10 days and then on the 10th day they say you know you got to leave your insurances up and
I just remember throwing a fit crying I need this I’m one of those that really
wants it I put myself here you know I don’t know what to do I really want help and they’re like sorry your insurance is
up but that was God doing for me what he knew would be the greatest gift of my life because when I left there that day
my sister called me and she said um Ruby I need you to pick up David which is one of the twins from school he had just
turned 16 and he was in he was a sophomore pick him up from school and bring him to the doughnut shop she owns
a donut shop because we’re going to go to Glamis to ride motorcycles and I said uh-uh Over My Dead Body kids die there
they get hit by sand rolls all the time it’s very very dangerous like we’re track people we don’t do that but my
sister she had just lost her husband two years prior and um she was dating a new man who’s a police officer much older
than her and she’s 10 years older than I so they talked to me and allowing David to go
mhm um and so anyway I picked him up that morning and I talked to him that morning
about alcohol and drugs because now I’m an expert you know spent 10 days in there and how to ride on the dunes
because I’ve been there many times and um how to look out when you you know go up sideways on the dunes and make sure
you have your flag and pray before you ride I told him oh and um I said dad
always prays before you ride you pray free ride and so anyways our last words were God bless you Mom I love you and he
kissed me right on the lips and said see you later I said see you later D you know and I tried to give 40 bucks and he didn’t want to take it and then he
finally took it I said you you come out of pocket when out Debbie wants to buy something you make sure you always give your money out a very very um respectful
young boy like an angel here on Earth um so grateful in spite of everything that
that they had to go through with the moving and the divorce and stuff um I have very very good kids and and he was
lovely and he he let he was so excited he wanted to go and um that was the last time I saw my son uh it was uh less than
24 hours later um I got a phone call from his father I was driving and he
said um Ruby or the way he said it was horrible and it was driv but he was
distraught you know and he had passed just how I had said you know he had gotten hit by sell he died
instantly um his last words he told his cousin I’m thirst thirsty and if you
know our Bible says you’ll never thirst again so I have those Comforts I know where my boy
is um I was very strong during that time and I think that that was just the Holy Spirit carrying me just like the
footprints poem when it says you know when you see one set of footprints there
I am I’m holding you and I I can truly say um I knew that prayer um but it
wasn’t until that day that I lived that prayer and um that is the day that I I
think I got humbled that is the day where I felt like
um wow I felt so small powerlessness I knew what powerlessness was I knew what
I knew I’m not that important I got knocked down dragged and ran over and I
knew that God is and and wow and it was like this I remember
my sister getting on the phone just Bell crying I’m so sorry and I said Debbie I
hadn’t even cried I said Debbie I lost my son today he was home with the Lord but I need my sister I need you to come
home to me to give her strength to get home and she got home and um and I was
strong I was strong um the service came he’s buried at Forest Lawn in uh West
Cina and man I just remember cuz David used to call me the trophy wife all the
time and he was very proud of me so I wanted to be pretty so I got the pearls like Jack Kennedy and and I I mean I
dressed like to the nines I remember going to Nordstrom and buying a $600 pair of Gucci glasses that I couldn’t
afford I just wanted to be so um classy for him you know and I think a lot of
that looking back was because when he passed I was working as a dancer at night you know I was doing all of those
things and things that went against what my beliefs and morals were and I just
wanted to represent him in his life as something better yeah and I did and I
remember ushering people in and and not crying and having I was just stoic um
and I was that way he passed on November 10th of 2010 and then Christmas came and
you know how grief they say the there’s bargaining and there’s denial and
there’s anger and then the acceptance is the last right but it doesn’t necessarily go like that it doesn’t go
like that it goes different and so um I kind of exper experienced all those
things within the next 10 years um off and on different ways but during
that time I think I was just in shock you know um and then I had this bargain
in my mind I didn’t say it out loud because if I said it out loud people think I’m crazy so but it was my kids
knew how big I did Christmas and birthdays that’s kind of my thing so I knew David was going to come back me and
God had talked he was going to come back on Christmas and I’m going to say goodbye and send home like in my mind that’s what was going to
happen so I waited and waited in my little apartment and I had a Christmas tree and I managed to do all those
things in my um I almost want to say blackout it’s almost like a blackout of
reality and I was just doing what I do and I remember sitting there waiting and
when midnight came and he didn’t come back I lost my mind and that’s when I
started to go to psychs and that’s I drove myself I would drive myself I remember driving myself to Arrowhead and
telling them um that I think I need to be here and I remember guards coming out
dressed almost like police officers and they’re like can we help you ma’am and I said yes I think you need to check me
in they’re like why I said well you know I buried my 16-year-old son last week
and and I think I’m losing my mind there’s something going on in here I wasn’t suicidal because I know you know
my belief you’re suicidal you’re not going to go to heaven so I wasn’t suicidal but I definitely wasn’t normal
and I couldn’t get it together I could not I would look out my window and I would see people walking by like in the
morning going to work and I would think don’t you know David’s gone where are you people going like I was losing my
mind um and alone because I had picked up a drink shortly after Christmas and
my family judged it they were very angry so they left me alone they were like really she’s gonna drink David hated her
drinking so we’re gonna cut her off and that was probably one of the worst
things that anybody could ever do is leave a grieving mom by themselves and that’s when I started to drink to die um
I started doing things that man I I’m surprised I made it through you know um
the lower companions the walking the streets going to liquor store having people buy me liquor just horrible
horrible things I opened up my apartment door one day and I said I remember I lived in this bad area and I said you
guys they spoke Spanish I said just come and take what you want like take anything cuz I was getting evicted and
then I started running rooms from strangers and I just went to the gutter pretty much and that’s when I started to
search for um mental health like U because it was
grief but it was more than that sometimes I would um I it was almost a
glor for I couldn’t leave the house I was afraid to do anything yeah so um
at that time did you end up going to mental health treatments I did I went to Riverside Behavioral Center um then I
went to oh my gosh okay so total I lost count around 23
inpatient treatments okay mostly dual diagnosed because once they found out what the kind of trauma that I had been
through it was always dual diagnosis but mind you I’m just doing what they tell me to do and because I have insurance
that um at the time time um insurance was a big deal I could never stay long
enough to get properly diagnosed I felt so I really didn’t believe them when they said this or that I knew I was
severely depressed I knew that that I was sold that okay I could take but if I
heard bipolar or borderline personality disorder I wanted to drop KCK somebody
cuz I’m not ready to hear that until one day probably about the 17th treatment in
I had this wonderful wonderful therapy IST and um I liked her so much that when my insurance gave up I hired her to come
to my apartment because she was wonderful and she got me she understood the domestic violence because that
happened too I went to jail for that too because apparently when I drink I’m rough um but she she um she’s the one
that was able to introduce borderline personality disorder to me without me
being terribly offended she said it in a way like um I remember her saying I you
just to read this and tell me what you think yeah you know and I read it and I
thought I know that girl you know whether I am or whether I’m not I don’t know is it bipolar I don’t know is it is
it because of what happened in life I don’t know but when I look back as a kid that terrified little kid hiding behind
my mom’s legs was it because I was molested by the time of I was age of I don’t know or is it because there was
something off way back when I really don’t know
and I don’t think I’ve spent enough time with one doctor um to properly get to properly
get a diagnosis and I think that that’s for me in my personal experience that’s
been my struggle is I haven’t been able to afford self-pay I haven’t been able
to have insurance that was good enough to stay long enough and I as soon as I thought we were just breaking the ice
and getting somewhere oh time to go and there was never a warning it was just
like I I would tell my case managers and stuff hey do you see anything in there is it going to be you know is my time up
soon because I’m really working good here and I want to do EMDR and I and I really want to know what’s wrong with me
can someone just tell me what’s wrong with me I feel like a rat in a cage I’m getting all these different U medicines
and I’m willing I’m willing to try anything to get better um meanwhile I’m
I’m racking up the I um and the very last one was 2022 was which was my
fourth one and I rolled a Porsche SUV in sobriety um but I had had a relapse the
night before where the codependency comes in going back to that relationship and I got a DUI on the morning the next
morning going to work and then I spent six months in gel and that is um a
miracle that I made it through cuz I was in the hardest tank yeah I cannot pict sure you there I didn’t get a visit but
I did get a visit from a Catholic priest um father lock who I do want to go see
um he was a beautiful soul who came and saw me weekly Faithfully he would sing
to me through the glass um and he told me one day he says Ruby it’s not like I’m talking to a parishioner he said or
it’s not like I’m talking to a prisoner it’s like I’m talking to a parishioner when I come and see you he says and my
great hope for you is that you’ll do podcasts that you will that you’ll do a YouTube channel that you will write your
book because that’s really what I want to do but he was wonderful and um yeah I
learned the Rosary in there I went back to what my roots were which was my parents were catholic and my f my whole
family’s Catholic but I had gone to the Christian Church um for years and years but he had him coming and seeing me had
um oh gosh I just had this thirst to go back to cathol Catholicism is that how
you Catholicism M that’s very sweet how did you meet him just it’s called a
snivel when you’re in jail and it what it is is if you need something you know like snivel you winers so they call it a
snivel and you have to fill out what you want and I would fill out a visit because no yeah I know six months and my
children my oldest children they um they did put money on my books once um but I
haven’t spoke to my son Jacob since the day I was arrested and I but I’m waiting
m I’m waiting um he’s the last one um the other children have all you know
little by little we’re we’re mending our relationship because it must be pitiful to have a mother you know that’s
alcoholic I don’t know what that’s like I don’t know what it’s like I mean yes Rosemary was highin low you know God
bless her but she was there day in and day out and she took care of us and and she we could count on her for my kids um
my daughter says she buried her mom when she was nine and she’s right in a way she’s
right you know I I lost um I lost courage when David passed the
powerlessness was so severe you know as a mom you know you hold your hand your kids’ hands when they walk across the
street you make sure they’re warm you know it Winer you you protect them and
when when David passed I felt like I failed and um it was it was really
difficult and so Jules yeah she was only nine and then she got this raging and angry went through that anger stage
where it was everyone’s fault I blame my sister you know as soon as I put alcohol into my body um it was evil you know
prior to that it was all he’s with the Lord blah blah blah and then as soon as I put alcohol in my body it was
everybody’s fault and they were going to pay and I was one um
uh how do I say unlovely creature because it was monstrous well she saw
all the pain come out mhm yeah but at nine you you know it was it was horrific
so she got she got some um grief counseling through her school um not
enough you know and and it’s so sad too because it’s a family mental illness is a family disease just as drugs and
alcohol are a family disease and I think that um so often the family thinks well
we don’t have a problem so we don’t need to learn about this it’s their problem you know or the crazy word they’re just
crazy I got an invitation from my niece that said um it was she was getting married and the invitation said to My
Crazy Aunt Ruby and I was in sobriety when I got it and I thought that’s not
funny but I used to laugh at that but it’s not funny um my sister-in-law she
committed suicide and she was very much like me she wasn’t an alcoholic but she
um was addicted to pain pills and she died in her BMW one day she had taken too many pills and was found and she had
teenage children and this is recent well within the last three years and I remember at her funeral I stood up and I
said um uh Irma was just terribly misunderstood yeah she wasn’t crazy I
told the pastor I don’t like that crazy word you know people like to throw around the word crazy it’s not it is a
disease just like um diabetes in fact diabetes is easier
because you you can get diagnosed by a blood test mental illness is harder to detect and it takes trial and air to
find medications therapy but open-mindedness and and um getting rid
of the denial because I spent many years in denial where I probably went through a lot more that I needed to go through
had I just been able to be still and take Direction and and have the proper
Medical Care you know and I think that that um that’s something that I didn’t have unfortunately yeah so through all
these like trials and tribulations like which one do you think was the hardest
for you was it jail was it the psych hospitals um obviously the grief was but
you know yeah obviously the grief was I think
that hard I don’t even think as the word I think
necessary I think that gosh if you were to tell me that this was going to be my
life or remember I was supposed to be a movie star if you were to tell me that I was going to go to jail yeah soap operas my
sister always says I don’t have to watch soap opas I just answer the film for you RS but if I were to look back and and
think you know if somebody had a crystal ball and said this is what you’re going to this is going to I’d be like no way you know there’s no way I could survive
that I used to say prior to David passing if something were to happen to my children you might as well take my air cuz I’ll die but I didn’t yeah was I
The Walking Dead sure for a while but now my life is so much better because
David once lived my life is not worse because he lived yeah if I were to have
gone on grieving that way by you know crying and wallowing in a bottle and being an ugly person in society and get
racking up DUIs and continuing on that Journey because a child passed then that would mean my life is worse because once
lived but my life is better because he once lived because I can have compassion
for people that have lost that you know and and be on not um be empathetic to
that I can I love deeper today I every day is a gift um I don’t have bad days
anymore I have bad moments and nothing’s that big of a deal because he once lived
so I feel like and God could have chosen anybody to be David’s mom and he chose me so I’m lucky yeah you
know and I and I have an identical twin son to him that I tell him all the time
I’ll never know how you feel I don’t pretend to know anyone’s grief when I
meet clients and because I work in treatment um and they’ve lost a husband or a child or whatever I never say I
know how you feel cuz nobody knows how they feel every every um every de
everyone that Grieves Grieves differently because it’s a different relationship so you have to be very sensitive to that and I feel that if I
hadn’t had these experiences I mean man what a gift you know what a
gift so yeah I mean that’s where resiliency comes from it’s like and you have to find purpose for your pain and I
mean you have you’re helping other people deal with their grief now you started a whole grief curriculum um and
then now you’re counseling people in drug addiction and mental health and
everything a miracle I can tell them what not to do yeah I mean and it it means more
because it’s genuine like there’s no you know faking any of that because you’ve
been through it um yeah I mean yeah I’ve been through it I think that um the
scariest you had asked you know which was it but the scariest for me you know
because death is is a factual thing right we’re all going to die I lost both
my parents in that time I had a lot of death in four years but um a child isn’t
the chronological order of things that’s supposed to be so it was a little bit harder but um I just
think I the hardest I think is um I was
on life support I had um it was about a year after David passed and I had washed
down um Xanax because doctors they just want to you you lost a child I have some Xanax well I didn’t know what Xanax was
you know and all of a sudden I’m having Xanax so and I’m alcoholic now so I’m drinking with the Xanax not remembering
I took the Xanax or how much Xanax so before you know and as soon as I have all that then it’s what I want to be with my son then I tell the wrong person
so what had happened was I ended up on life support for 3 days so I think the the worst was that and that my um the
twin had to be by his mom’s bed after losing a twin thinking now I’ve lost my mom M you know so that was the very very
worst did that keep me sober sadly no I got out of that place and continued to
drink um it wasn’t until you know people talk about surrender and they talk about
um being at your bottom I think that there is no bottom until if you continue
drinking drugging self-medicating whatever that might be I think that um you’re bottom is when you stop digging
or you’re buried there is no bottom I can go lower and lower and lower I could
leave here today if I choose and go lower I have to take my medication you know there was a time where I didn’t
want to take medic medication because I didn’t want to be sick I didn’t want to have a diagnosis and now I long for the
proper diagnosis what is it I don’t know I don’t care I will try whatever for a time being to make sure that I’m stable
because emotional sobriety is key without that I don’t have physical sobriety yeah and can you define
emotional sobriety a little bit emotional sobriety for me looks like um um doing what I say saying what I mean
and doing it nice and being accountable and doing Monday things on
Monday Tuesday things on Tuesday Wednesday things on Wednesday and not trying to do everything at one
time um being at peace with things the way they are just as they are as
imperfect as they are that for me is emotional spreite not trying to change acceptance yeah acceptance has to be the
answer to all my problems today it has to be or I’m at odds with something or
I’m irritable restless and discontent and I can’t afford to be that because for me that’s death and and and I don’t
mean like literal death it could be but The Walking Dead that um longing for something that
that I have to fill with a substance and that’s not not who I want to be yeah so
I have to take the meds and I have to practice prayer and I have to do
um I have to do what suggested I have to have a sponsor I have to have I have a
few sponsors you know it takes a village for me and I love them all all ages but
my Mary she has 42 years I love her she’s like a mother to me so she won’t sponsor me anymore technically because
she feels we’re too close so she’s running a good program but she’s old school AA and I just I um call her when
I want to be whooped into shape you know she she’s great well and I’ve really I
mean this isn’t really a question but I just I really really do hope that all your kids just give you a chance because
I see how you’re a mother to all of us everywhere and like all the um the
clients and you know you have the nurturing you have all of it um and I
think it’s because of David and because of the pain and the loss and all of it
like you know you have so much love to give I think because when I see people struggling especially young people MH I
think of moms and dads grandparents and their future yeah and
all the time that I gave up because of the um the insecurity Financial
insecurity and um lack of self-esteem and a lot of that is you know there’s a
lot of people just self-medicating because that’s that’s easier right so I see it I I can see it now I’m far enough
away from it now and that I can see um there’s nothing new Under the sun
when it comes to addiction and mental there really isn’t you know so what do
you want for your life
now unconditional love not just giving it but getting
it and um I want my I want my children home for Christmas
and I want a home you know I want my own home I want to be able to have that Christmas tree again with those
decorations from when they were in kindergarten because I lug them around there have storages everywhere and some really good friends that have um hosted
their whatever they called their attics for me but um yeah yeah yeah being with
all your kids I just want to have all of them Under One Roof for one dinner at one time instead of one by one and it’ll
come yeah I mean you’re doing everything you can so what’s keeping you sober
now sobriety is an every day um every
day I start my day with a simple set of um a structure I roll out of bed to the
floor because my my bed’s on the floor kind of so I just roll out to my knees because I’m a little lazy because my
sponsor says I should it’s never been something I’ve done but it’s an act of of to be humble humble and so I do it I
ask God to my my thinking my steps um to
change my perception to get me out of the way and um I site I recite the third
and seventh Step Prayer every single day um and then I well I started I used to
start my day with a 6 a.m. meeting at H Hall I no longer go there because I have a new sponsor now that takes me to night
meetings which is hard because I’m not a night person but I do what she tells me to do um I follow direction right and um
I stay grateful I have a sponsor that tells me that a grateful heart will never have to
self-medicate um look for the things that you’re grateful for and um anything you put before your recovery um you’ll
lose and she’s absolutely right very because I used to go to treatment and say I got to get home who’s going to pay
my bills yada y it’s been 30 days I got to go I’m Healed and little did I know that in all that time had I just stayed
and built a foundation then perhaps I wouldn’t had to go back so many times right
so and so what do you think are some lessons or advice that you would give
now to for people for like their mental health you’re not crazy mhm you’re not
crazy there is help never give up on
yourself and don’t be afraid to try new things I think the most important thing
know don’t never stop I think um just accepting oh I just did this just the way I am so I need to smoke pot or I
need to have a drink or whatever is just you know pot helps my anxiety if I hear that one more time you no it doesn’t pot
gives you anxiety I don’t care and it’s not from the ground it’s not like God’s plant not anymore maybe in the 70s but
now it’s man-made it’s horrible it’s manufactured and it’s ruining our children MH so um I don’t want to be
like Nancy Reagan just say no but if you could get them in sixth grade or even at starting so young but you know across
the board um the gateway drug I believe is still um marijuana M and um because
that’s usually the first that people use before they’re 25 and their brains are not yet developed um and that’s why it’s
it’s you know they have that reward system in their brain that’s oh this feels good and their brains aren’t even
sure and so therefore you know addiction I broke up with my first boyfriend cuz he was smoking weed and I
divorced my first husband but you know what that man doesn’t even smoke weed and he was the good husband so sh I
should have waited he’s the one I should have sent to rehab but um yeah it’s all
bad yeah I mean honestly I think everyone can learn from you but um is
there just like one person or I don’t know someone that you
would like want to have as or who is your role
model I have a few Role Models um my sister Debbie who took my son on that
trip um she lost her husband two years before just a sudden um heart attack and she’s
a business owner and she owns several homes but she’s so humble and she bought
each one one of her children home she works seven days a week Mom and Pop Shop you know but she’s just moth shop and she’s just she bought it at 18 years old
with 72 cents in her pocket you know like she is um she’s a a woman of
strength um a woman that fears the Lord and she’s just a beautiful human being and she is my role model but I have I
have other Role Models um that I look up to you’re one of them you are somebody
that um because you’re like Wonder Woman so I think like you know if I had in my 30s you know if
I hadn’t put all my eggs in one basket thinking I had to be a wife and mother because that’s what I was raised to
believe I had to be perhaps I would have gotten an education and I would have been able to help people younger you
know my life could have taken a different road so when I look at you Rachel I think gosh I can’t imagine what
life is like in the life of Rachel Young right no marriage no
children self-supporting through your own contribution helping others and having that instilled inside of you at
such a young age is so beautiful to me um and I look up to you every day and
you keep me strong when I feel weak and you’ve been a great friend to me so um yeah my sister and
Rachel so sweet yeah I mean I always think the same of same thing with you I’m like I don’t know how she does it
all but we Inspire each other yeah 100% but
yeah do you have any questions for Ruby
um there was a lot there was yeah there was a lot there I talk a lot so as far
as the the 12 Steps how do you think that the 12 steps I mean it sounds like you know you’re that’s been a big part
of your your journey is is the 12 Steps um how do you think that the 12 Steps
affect mental health or I guess are in congruent with mental health I think
that I think that the 12 Steps um for me
it was the honesty part and I think with mental for me in mental health when I
did the 12 Steps going through the fourth step and actually writing everything out and seeing myself on
paper and being able to see the pattern when you discuss that with another person in your fifth step when you’re going through mental
illness you’re like in a cloud this is just you’re on automatic pilot you’re just existing you’re just doing what you
do and until you stop and see what you’re doing on paper and you speak to another person and you’re open and
honest you you aren’t able to see the Character defects you’re not able to see
where you’re going a skew to what the norm is or whatever Norm is you know
where I was able to see myself and see that it wasn’t my
fault it was not my fault there was something else going on and it took that
um the uncover discover and discard let go of the things I was
hanging on to a lot of the mental illness was guilt and shame and and um
just drowning in it drowning in it and not knowing that I could let that go not
knowing that there was another way to live and to be free the the 12 steps are a freedom um but just like it said you
know the in in the Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that be quick to see where religious people are right but also
don’t discount your psychiatrist don’t discount your doctors it’s all in there you know I laugh when I hear people say
um well I’m not alcoholic I just do drugs it’s all in there and when they say you or you got sponsors that say you
can’t take medication oh no no no no let’s turn over to page I think it’s well I won’t quote the page because I’ll
probably be wrong but I know the vicinity where it does say if you need medication you take it
mental illness is very real and um it’s nothing to be ashamed
of I found in doing the 12 steps and I found in writing my story and that it
was very prominent in my life and that I was holding on to a lot of Shame where I didn’t need
to it wasn’t my fault um are there any words that you
would have for your former self oh that’s a great question
yeah um my former self before all of all
of the tragedy I would say it’s going to be a wild ride buckle up buckle up but
you’re going to get through it and be better for it and life is beautiful and because of all this you
get to meet the best people in the world I wouldn’t trade it for anything I mean
I when I talk to my sisters who are nor you know they don’t have addiction or they don’t have mental illness and I
tell them things like this they just look at me like you know but they don’t have the joy I have
my SP my new sponsor told me Ruby you have a joy that doesn’t make sense and I think that’s one of the best compliments
I’ve ever had that is the sweetest it doesn’t make sense and that’s okay my life doesn’t have to make sense today it
just has to be okay and enough for me and I’m good with that and I don’t have
to be a movie star anymore hey I’m telling you you still could be who knows maybe next week I’ll
be standing in line although I did go to America’s Funniest um wait America no no
America’s Got Talent yeah and they say the more animated you are the more airtime you’ll get so I was
like yeah it was funny it was good it was good times I sat right behind Sophia
my girl crush Sophia vagara oh oh my gosh she’s gorgeous gorgeous yeah it was
great yeah um and I guess just to highlight some things so what are what are some things that you would say
you’re most grateful for in your life today I am most
grateful for God who carries me through everything
I’m so grateful for the challenges and the hardest times in my life because there’s been beauty in all of it I’m so
grateful that I can now see the beauty um that I don’t look back and go gosh
why me poor me if you had my life you’d drink too if you had my life you’d be
crazy too I’m so grateful that I don’t think like that anymore because I I spent a lot of years being angry over
what happened to me you know I don’t have that I am so grateful that I’m freed from that those thoughts and that
um but I’m most grateful for second chances and for people that believe in
me when I didn’t believe in myself and
um because you know you only need one person one person to hold you up I I
often say to my clients um find the people that know your heart song so that when you forget the words they can sing
them back to you and Rachel you sing them back to me on Christmas Day when you came pick me
up and it’s so invent aw eventful Christmas but sometimes we forget you
know we forget how bad it is or how bad it was and um that’s why you need to
stay close to people who really know who you are and who have your best interest at heart and do away with the others
because there’s always going to be um people with bad intentions and you have to be able to not pass judgment I don’t
pass judgment on people but I absolutely have to practice discernment um that that’s what I’m called to do as a
Christian as a Believer and I have to protect my sobriety at all cost because without my sobriety my mental illness is
off I won’t take my meds I’ll just be off and running and I’ll be right back at the side cord like this wrapped in a
sheet going excuse me I think there’s been a mistake I’m not crazy I am just a grieving mother or whatever I say but
I’ll say whatever just to get out in three days because after three days you’re staying in for about two weeks
with a not fun um I guess final thoughts is
there any advice that you would have to people going through similar situ or
similar uh struggles struggles it could get
um when you’re not on the right medication and when you’re feeling so alone like what’s
wrong with me I might as well be dead because it gets like that when you’re struggling with mental illness like you
just feel so hopeless
that you’re not alone and that there is help and that you’re only alone if you
don’t ask for help you’re only alone if you don’t reach out um I think that the
I think that the most um the most important thing that I I never gave up
on even in my darkest time even when I did have the suicidal thing um once I
came out of it I knew to ask for help I knew where to go I knew to keep searching and if one place did work I
found another but I never gave up because um I wanted to live and I and I
wanted to live at peace I didn’t have any peace so I guess just don’t give up
keep trying keep trying new things if it’s if you’re not getting what you need from this doctor or you know this person
doesn’t understand you there’ll be somebody that does understand you you just have to keep
trying you made our life easier we have questions yeah I thank you so much for
coming on yeah I so appreciate it yeah I um I’m honored thank you it was so great
