Podcast Transcript
hi my name is Jeff from Mental Health Resource this is straight jacket pod my name is Rachel Honda LCSW and this is
our guest Kayla hey guys hello well thank you for coming yeah thank you so
um if you could just tell us a little bit about yourself and kind of go into your story okay yeah so I came out
here uh the first time in 2016 I’m from Charlotte North Carolina oh okay my
parents live there yeah yeah cool cool yeah um I’m not a
fan um so yeah I came out here originally uh to go to treatment back in
2016 um I I loved it out here I I didn’t stay clean obviously went back
home and I came back out here in 2022 uh for treatment in March and that’s when I
went into treatment um and and really I just been on this recovery Journey you
know in and out since 2009 um been in in and out of a lot of
treatment centers jails institutions um
and really just just trying to find my way you know so yeah I I came back out
here and my clean date is uh 3:17 2022 that’s awesome congrats yep yep so yeah
I mean what did you want to uh let’s hear about a little bit about
like when you started using when I started using so I never so growing up I
I um I played basketball like my whole life I was uh in in race Motocross so I
didn’t really get into drugs or or drinking all through middle school and high school um my I got a full ride to
go play at Georgia Southern University um in 2009 after I graduated I went
there went to a party uh frat party and I had never touched any substance before
in my life up until this point um and and so I wanted to fit in right uh and
the frats and and all the athletes were were basically like come on let’s let’s sort this cocaine you know and and for
me I was like hell no I do not want nothing my heart was racing I remember
it so like you know visibly but yeah I did it because I wanted people to like me and I wanted to fit in and from that
moment on I got set up uh about three days later I got drug tested and I just kept going with this
psycho I you know my first rehab was in 2010 um what happened after you got drug
tested they sent me to rehab for 30 days in valasta Georgia at this place that was Christian based and the college did
yeah oh okay yeah so somebody set you up some so one of the players did CU I was
a freshman I was coming in I was going to be starting um and she was a senior
and and you know three days later I got drug tested they put me on disciplinary
probation which allowed me to come back to play after I completed my 30
days oh man mhm yeah so I went back I I I completed my 30 days uh didn’t want to
be sober um did it so I could play ball again not knowing that that I had
activated something I didn’t know then what it where it would take me throughout the last 13 14 years I I had
no idea um that that one line would cost would would cost me aot everything
really so then you continued playing basketball and how did uh um how did it
progress with that so I ended up going back to Georgia Southern I played about
three or four games in Colorado we went to this Colorado tournament and
um I ended up getting high at a Thanksgiving tournament in Colorado uh they sent me back with without the team
um and I had lost at that point I was done so I went to a Jo in West Palm
Beach called uh West uh Palm Beach State um I stayed clean for a whole year there
uh and then I ended up signing back to Georgia State so I went to Georgia State in Atlanta after my Jo for one year full
Rod everything right um I went there I did speed school I did all of that for
the summer uh the school came around I didn’t care for school at that at this point school was not I would not have
gone to college given I didn’t play basketball um I wasn’t into it schoolwise um and then I went to Georgia
State I got back into Atlanta into the scene and off the drugs here we go again round and round and go right um and then
my brother who is also addict um I started doing it other methods and ways
um instead of uh the snorting right and and the
smoking um and it really just took once I lost basketball I didn’t care about anything
else at that point you know cuz that was my identity that was all I knew um
that’s why I thought people really liked me right like without ball who am I right um and and I and I I just didn’t
care so I my addiction took me really low and in some dark homeless you know
my parents said figure it out threw me a sleeping bag in a pillow and was like you’re not welcome here anymore don’t come back you
at that time at that point I was 2013 MH
uh 22 mhm maybe 21 22
yeah and so when you didn’t have like the support did you have like friends support uh no I I was in I was in and
out of relationships so whatever girl was going to be using with me and feeding into um I am also a sex addict
and um I I had never been alone um ever really always had a female with me
um but yeah it was me and her whoever it was with that day or who could I use
that day who who could I get over Who’s Got Drugs right um and just trying to survive I was in survival mode and and I
did a lot of grummy things you know to a lot of people that didn’t deserve it so how quickly did progress so it’s like
you I guess you went to college at 18 and then you switched to another
College probably like 19 is MH and then by at by 20 years old you were like full
like and then it didn’t work out at the other college because of the using yep and then by that point you were in like fullblown fullblown after Georgia State
after all of that I I started doing heroin um and in pills uh Xanax bars um
um which that at that point was just it was just this cycle and and I honestly
had no idea what I was I was like I’m I’m still young I can figure it all out
right um but I had no idea that I didn’t know I couldn’t stop yeah
I didn’t want to but in my mind I knew I in my brain would tell me that you can
just stop whenever you want but but for me it was like why would I I love it yeah you know and then moving forward a
year or two you know the the needles started to come into play my you know my brother like 21 about 21 yeah when was
the first time you used IV my brother my brother shot me up yeah in in this dude’s house and at well I saw him
shooting up and and I was like he didn’t die you know so I I was curious I I was
I wanted to do it and and and he knew that and he knew that I was going to probably do it regardless
but in his mind he thought that I would be safe if he did it for me right
um so yeah I was that’s that’s how I got on the needle and I had it coke or heroin or it was cocaine the first thing
I ever shot up was cocaine and I like threw up passed out and woke up and was like woo let’s do it again you know like
just like looking back on that on that I’m just like wow I had no idea the pain
that I was going to go through on this journey journey of and the destruction I was going to cause and just all that I
had no idea that that was that I couldn’t stop that I wouldn’t be able to stop right what would you say are some
of those Rock Bottom moments uh one of them one of the first
Rock Bottom moments was when my mom and dad like there’s this line in the big book right and it’s in the doctor’s
opinion and it’s like um frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices right
and what that looked like for me was looking at my mom and dad and them
crying begging me not not to to continue right and to shoot drugs and me pretty
much looking at him be like move you’re in my way yeah you know and it’s just like no empathy no compassion for for
human and much less my own parents right like you’re crying ew get out of my way
like nothing mattered to me but that that that drug you know but I would say
my bottom was was that and then my dad handed me a sleeping bag and a pillow and was like you’re not welcome back on
property and if you do come back we will call a cops and I was just like [ __ ]
what did what happened for you to get to that point like to I had stolen so many
of my dad’s tools my mom’s Rings jewelry check books cash checks out and and from
them to me made out to me um
and and they had had it they figured it and then they found out oh they knew they they knew they they had continue
knowing they were try to lock up their [ __ ] I’d break a window out my dad chained up his truck once I went and
stole the keys it was like chained up to this tree trunk like this huge tree trunk you know and he still and I just
gassed it and I’d reverse it and I’d gas it again and it was took me a few times to get it up off that tree trunk um and
and they had just had it man like I really me me between me and my brother because we were active at that time
together before he got locked up for a while um but we were just like Fire And
Gasoline man and and um that was what that’s what did it I
stole all their [ __ ] you know that’s hard for a family yeah I mean I couldn’t even imagine like how hard that was to
actually say you’re you’re done like you’re you’re not coming back here like
I can only imagine my mom cuz like now the relationship that I have with him is so beautiful and pure you know
um but I can I I I can only imagine like how difficult that was you know how uh
what did you do after they told you not to come back I went I was with this girl
I was with this girl man and uh I had a car um and so we we slept in parking
lots uh we slept in the car for for months you know and then I was like going to treatment again right right
here we go um and then you know the treatment world stopped because I got
off Mom and Dad’s Insurance you know and then it was like that’s I think when I
was 27 that was the first moment that I actually really wanted to be clean I
think oh I did it cuz you at 26 you went off their insurance yeah yeah and I was
like Oh shoot what am I going to do now you know and that fear of being sick and like withdrawals and it it was just like
and then you know at 27 right it was either that or like I was kind of okay
too with whatever outcome was going to come I was like [ __ ] it I I I would
rather die you know depression mhm so I
guess uh this is a me like besides the uh substance abuse has there been any
other ways that you struggled with mental health oh absolutely um before
drugs even came into my life or it was ever even a thing I I was 13 years old
and I grew up in Charlotte North Carolina where uh in a Southern Baptist home um and and at 13 I came out Gat to
my family it was really difficult where I I had to go through a lot of painful
stuff and that’s where I learned to put on mask and be able to become a chameleon and um and that’s kind of
where the mental health started looked back and doing some work on myself uh
the the self-hatred the you know the depression the anxiety
um uh I have ADHD really bad too but you know for me it was just so dark and I
was only a kid you know and and then not feeling the acceptance and love from the
two people that’s supposed to love me more than anything in the world I think after I lost basketball that that that
carried over into my 20s because I didn’t even accept me how could I my own
parents right so it was very confusing and um a lot of mental health played
that I didn’t even realize played into the part of my addiction and like the
whole coming out of my of me being gay into it right and all of this unfolded
this time around working and and and doing the steps and what
um I guess that feeling like what what were some of your coping mechanisms at that time like I so like I’m I guess
I’m trying to see like what how was their reaction my parents when I came
out gay yeah well my dad my dad was actually kind of cool uh but he just
went along with my mom just so there was no fighting um but my mom sent me to Christian Counseling Focus I don’t know
if you guys know what that is but it’s [ __ ] so they kind of like pray the gay out of you and like send you through
this like conversion and like um so you’re doing that at 13 14 14 so then
like they like took my phon something’s wrong with you yeahh like it’s a mental
problem like you have a mental problem and and God’s going to fix it right and
like I I believed that you guys like I was only a kid I believed that it was
wrong and I believed that there was only one God right and I believed that my mom
and dad had the best interest for me and that the gay wasn’t me being gay wasn’t wasn’t right you know I remember praying
at night so many nights dude God if if this is wrong please don’t make me want
to be with a woman you know um and I ended up being with a guy my sophomore
year to my senior year just so I could have a life you know but it was cool to
cuz that really [ __ ] me up like for a long time you know and then like coming out here to Cali and and understanding
that there’s so many gods right and like like just so different from the where I
grew up and and and all of that I think had I not come out here um I probably
would be dead and a drug overdose you I’m not sure but like it I was in a
really dark place because you at conflict with yourself yeah I was at conflict yeah so here it gave you that
love and belonging or okay yeah because nobody cared yeah what I looked like or
who I dated it didn’t change who I was right um but yeah in the small town or I guess I don’t know Charlotte’s a pretty
B place I live right outside of Charlotte but nobody knows yeah it’s very conservative and yeah um what was
it like in that I guess like program uh I ended up how long was it so
I would have to go like Weekly right and and uh so it wasn’t one of those where
you stay at it but they would drop me off they come back I ended up throwing a chair at this dude at the therapist guy
I was and I walked out and I was I flipped I had like I had anger problems because of it um before drugs even came
in I was just angry [ __ ] because I couldn’t be attracted to men
you know and so I was so angry and um
and I got in a lot of fights and [ __ ] you know before drug even came in but I threw a chair at this dude man and and I
and I just I I ran away from home several times you know um but that was
the last time I ever saw him was I throw a chair at him how long were you in the program for
probably probably like three or four months yeah and you it’s a long time it
sounds like it kind of did more harm than good absolutely cuz then traumatizing it was yeah very actually
you know and I didn’t realize how traumatizing it was until later in life you know I thought everybody just does
if you’re that’s just what you go do you know well kind of in it makes sense cuz your drug you started after right that
time so it’s like a huge reason why people use as shame and if you were
taught that that was shameful I mean that kind of makes puts you in conflict
with yourself yeah 100% I mean riddled with shame you know um
man that’s really interesting I don’t think that we’ve ever had somebody on the the show that has been to one of
those so okay then you went in at about 14 left at 15 and you’re a sophomore and
that’s when you said that you you know did a or was it Junior sophomore so my sophomore to my senior and I dated a guy
because they would take my phone at night you know I couldn’t go hang out with kid like any of my friends I
couldn’t um go have sleepovers especially if it was sucks female right
um so yeah it was cuz you almost got basically like punished for being honest mhm yeah yeah but in my mind I didn’t
even know any of this you know because I was in there with the same people that I
was and they were going through it and we were just trying to get through the pro like you know just saying whatever
we needed to say what to be safe and like get out of the situation yeah you
know and then you had to live a double life which is also
traumatizing so did at what point did your parents find out that like that was
so when I went to college I ended up writing my mom a seven Page Letter um
and at that point I had cut her off I was like I’m I don’t live there anymore I’m not going to do something that I
hate more than anything is be with a man like it I I’m just not right and so I
went and um we didn’t talk for for a lot of years me and my mom my dad me and my dad did um
but we just didn’t have a good relationship man um and and and the only time she would come around was to watch
me play it at Duke when we played at Duke or Auburn right like that’s the
only time that she would come around and so I had a lot of like what I thought was hate in my heart for her um looking
back I was just like very resentful and um I mean now dude like she’s my best
friend she just came out here in October to stay a week with me you know the gifts of this program right um how long
did it take for you guys to repair your relationship so the when I when I really wanted to be clean was in the first time
was in 2018 and uh I detoxed on this couch on
on a friend’s couch and I and I uh had 18 months and I I worked all the steps
um and when I did my fist up with my sponsor it was like cuz I didn’t think my mom loved me you know she would tell
me things that you’re going to hell uh I disown you right and
um when I did my fist step with my sponsor in in North Carolina it was like
you know your mom loves you that much that she truly fears you’re going to hell you know and when I could get a
different perspective than my own lens because they’re skewed sometimes right
uh and personal um when I could take that out of it me and my in 2018 2019 me
and my mom started to come back around and then I would say it really kicked off probably 2020 2021 I was getting
loaded again but she showed up for me like a mom then you know is there any
advice that you’d have for viewers that are potentially going through that same like guess like the younger viewers
they’re potentially going through that same situation yeah I would say hang on you
know um that that it does get better and
there’s nothing wrong with you because you feel the way that you feel and you are who you are there’s nothing wrong
with with that or you and if you if you
will find a community that loves you and you will find people that are supportive
and they don’t care you know so I would say hang on and and because it it does
get better um once you can get out of the environment that you don’t have a
choice in being in it’s very true you know cuz a lot of times man people in their life due to a
lot of like the lgbtq community in their lives before they even get to get out
yeah you know and what about like the parents what do you mean like do you
have any advice for parents yeah um
that’s let me get my seven Page Letter yeah so I I would say that
my sister is a really good example of this for her kid you know it’s like have
an open line of communication and and be willing to hear your kid out no matter what and never like cast judgment or
tell them that they’re wrong for feeling the way that they feel is is always have an open line of communication to to have
your kid know that they can come to you no matter what and I think that’s important man because had I had had
that I I don’t know right I don’t know that I would have went down the path that I went right I don’t maybe I I have
no clue but given that there was Comm I could be honest and not be rid ridiculed
and and feel the shame that I felt from my mom MH maybe I wouldn’t have taken maybe
right yeah I don’t know so um I know you’ve said that
you’re a sex addict and this is something that I feel like people don’t talk about a lot and um I do want to
bring attention to it because a lot of people struggle with this so um can you
share a little bit more about that so I think because of the way that
I grew up and the low self-worth and the low
self-esteem um that I had for myself you wouldn’t know that though the way that I
carried myself because I was so good at like Mas asking that and not letting you know that I feel like this right um but
having a girl or somebody around me made me feel better and it gave me validation
it gave me like what I couldn’t give myself and and sex wise too right um
it’s it’s in that moment I feel better and then an hour or two later I’m
like right but it it gives me a sense of
of worth of validation and it is like a drug and it is like a drug meetings
whole programs for it like slaa yeah I used to be in it yeah MH I used to be in
SLO did you get like a SL sponsor all that actually at San
Juan that’s awesome MH yeah in San Juan that was the first time cuz I had never
heard of SLO before on the East Coast you know um and and when I came out here
I was like yeah I love women I love having sex um I love feeling loved I love
feeling pretty or attractive whatever right
um and I had to do a lot of work on that you know because I heard a lot of people
doing that and playing you know played games I’d tell them what they wanted to hear but really wouldn’t feel that way
you know um I was a very sick individual and I used women a lot you know to make
myself feel better because I’m selfish and self-centered how did you work on that the steps uh taking time for myself
um not jumping into relationships
not playing games with women if if it if it if I want to have sex I’m going tell
you that and that’s all I’m looking for um being honest and and
really building up some some self-esteem and selflove you know uh so that I don’t
have to have validation from women I can give it to myself when did you I guess realize that
it was an issue probably
uh was there like a specific moment or like somebody like a lot of
people would tell me you can’t be alone and be like yes the [ __ ] I can like you
don’t know me you know it’s just a feeling of not being happy pretty much yeah exactly not being happy with myself
and if I can surround myself with someone a little sicker than me then I I’m not as bad as that right and if and
and then it’ll feed like me right because it’s all about me when I’m doing drugs and and you know so like I guess
is there any other like uh mental health aspects that have like played into the whole like your your
story yeah I would I would say so I had uh I have ad ADHD right and
and that can be confused sometimes with bipolar was it uh medicated uh yeah
medicated in between the drugs okay right so like if I was doing meth or
fitting all hair whatever then I’m obviously not taking my meds right I would have periods of three months 6
months here and there right uh that I would get back on my medications when did you start with the medication I
guess what age were you diagnosed 16 16 started at 16 MH so they they were like
ADHD I went to another doctor the dude told my told me and my mom that I was bipolar um I’m I I’m not um I would be
whatever if I was I was right but I’m not um I just had a lot of anger that
was unresolved Trauma from Young and I didn’t know to how to express I didn’t even
know how I felt the only thing I could show was anger you know and especially
the way that I carry myself right like I’m not going to you’re not going to know that I’m hurt that you hurt me um
and and so for me identifying feelings and emotions was very difficult CU I
didn’t know how to do that you know yeah no definitely I can I
can honestly relate to that um okay so then I guess you were diagnosed at 16 and then
18 College and then by about 20 you know you were in and out of rehab constantly
yeah dude I went to this uh I went to this Wilmington in North Carolina I went
to this I went to the same detox 13 times in one summer and my sister would take me my
sister lived in wimington and there was this one time where a guy had a gun to
my head for $200 that I stole a bike from a pier and rode it and woke up on his front like right in his lawn
whatever ever and my sister came and uh she gave him $200 and she dropped me off
at the WTC and they were like this is not a detox Hotel man you’re not welcome back dude like go we can’t help you
clearly right but I think for me the the mental health of like the overthinking
the low selfworth uh because the overthinking is the ADHD I can spin and spin and spin and spin and then it’s
real to me and then I’m going run with that story right and and it’s real and
you did it whether you didn’t or not you know um and my mental health and like
um affected all of my relationships all of them family
intimate friends it didn’t matter they affected them all because of the trauma
the PTSD the the the you know mental health St that I had the
depression what helped you the most to work with those diagnoses I ran from them a lot and I
was like no I’m not yeah you know um I thought I was always more [ __ ] up than the next person uh I hated so when I got
misdiagnosed with bipolar I actually tried to get on bipolar medications and it zonked me like I was a shell of a
human being um like a like a robot like I just had no no thoughts none and I’m
like [ __ ] that you know like so it turns out that the overthinking
and all it would just create rage man because here we go again right I’m not enough again I’m something’s wrong with
you something’s wrong with me again you know um just carried over and it just kept
bleeding into every every relationship that I had and then what helped you so the
therapy or I did I um H I have been in therapy I got in a really bad motorcycle
recom May that put me out of work and everything for 3 months of 2024
um and that kind of spunk me a little you know but I think that I so I’m back
now in therapy due to that uh from my wreck but I hate therapist I I I found one or
two that I love and I’m running with it but because of my experience at such a
young age with a therapist [ __ ] them all yeah you know um but more than anything
my sponsor yeah yeah I think it’s just whoever you open up to yeah my sponsor
and my sponsorship family and the women that I have in my life are just Powerhouse women and I hadn’t
experienced anything before really deep and pure until this time of like they
really don’t give a [ __ ] what I look like who I like what I’ve done who I am they just love me and they just want to
help and and they don’t want nothing from me and for that to happen with
females was very new to me um and it gave me a it gave me a s they started to
believe in me man and I could feel it and something started to shift you know and I I my sponsor put me on you know I
I Journal day you know it was a 12 minutes a day right um I had never journaled in my life I’d never put pin
to paper I thought it was the stupidest thing in not doing it right but
that’s because I think this time you know I was so hopeless because I’ve I’ve been desperate so many times people say
I’ve got the gift of desperation right I’ve had that too many times desperate to not be homeless desperate to not go
to prison desperate to you know stay in this Rel stay not stay in a relation stay in it right I’ve been desperate so
many times that it was just a a round and round thing but when I could really
feel this last time like that like the gift of hopelessness you know of like
hoping this one will take me out like really right or like on the other hand
do something different and I think that was the moment that [ __ ] started to shift for me
you know being really hopeless I never knew what that felt like that seemingly
hopeless state of mind right yeah because it made you be motivated it made
me it made me not want to continue because I know what that life is and I stopped caring what was going to happen
I didn’t give a [ __ ] you know and I didn’t know what was in store for me getting sober I had never really
given myself time I had 18 months once um but I had never given myself time
to figure out who I was what do I even like what’s my favorite color you know
um and and alone too you know I was in a seven-year relationship prior you know
going into this last sobriety um and I think that relationship
really looking back helped me get where I am now because I never want to feel
that way again dude and I never want to be in a relationship like that again you know and and so I really had to do some
really a lot of work on like myself so that I don’t continue dating the same person with a different face you know
you value yourself enough to yeah that for yeah for the first time in my life
actually you know how would you say that these uh cuz I know that you’re really close to the fires that are going on
right now how would you say that they’re affecting people’s mental health up there I know for me for that whole like
uh it when it first started when all the fires first started happening I live in you know um I was in the heart of them
all like six different fires around me right um and I’m from the yeah I’m
surrounded dude and I’m like oh my God I’m from the East Coast like we deal with hurricanes and tropical storms
water not fires you know um and I I called my mom and dad crying I was like
what do I do I could feel it affecting me um and by affecting me it affects
people around me you know and and and where I work right um um my school right
now I was just like Panic everything could potentially
go Flames like everything that I’ve worked so hard to get my apartment you know my my my car my job like all these
things that I’ve really worked so hard to get that I’ve never really been able to call just mine um could be gone like
that and then what right and and and and also on the other
side of it it’s like you know what but I’m going to be okay cuz I have
people in my life today that actually give a [ __ ] and like love me and I have places that I can go to
evacuate me and my dog is going to be safe um and and when I could get out of
that fear and like survival mode and like flip it around and be like you know what man like there’s a lot of people
out here that really did lose everything everything everything you know everything and they didn’t get a chance
to scramble [ __ ] m together a lot of them down in the Palisades and the eatting fires you know
um it’s it’s devastating man and and a lot of people a lot of people died too
you know they they they they wanted to sit in their house and protect the things that they worked their whole life
for and hold on you got something like right here sorry good
um how do you think that it’s affected uh these people’s mental health a lot a lot put them in fear and when we’re in
fear we don’t make we’re not rational you know I saw that during like Co and then like fires or way more yeah it
seems like it would like I don’t know I have a feeling that it would have to uh affect the vibe
somehow yeah absolutely I mean dude La was on fire yeah like you see everywhere
like it looks so crazy yeah but you know what like have you seen that people are
are coming together from it yeah I have so uh this Sunday we’re I’m me and my
clients are going to go volunteer at it and and um I’m going to get to see firsthand like how it how everybody’s
coming together but just from like the things that I’ve heard and and seen on social medias right and like all the
like sports teams the news right like all the sports teams coming together like you know the Clippers the rant like
everybody coming together and just like we’re we’re La strong man and and it’s
been pretty cool to watch so much donations like they’re
it’s flooded with stuff you know that people are are really coming together and and just you know trying to be
supportive because is I’ve never seen anything like this before in my life I think anybody has you know like I’m like
what is going on um and my you know my State went under it in sep Timber from the
hurricane in the mountains that was like what you know um so it’s it’s scary
times dude you know it’s so close like it’s so close it’s so close and like and
you’re still living there yeah so I had an evacuation order when the the the West Hills fire broke out um and it got
lifted because the wind took the opposite direction so it went South instead of coming my way so that was
lifted I didn’t have to evacuate um but I it was scary you know
I’m just super grateful that like like the people that I have in my life
today want me around and like are willing to like get out of their comfort
zone so I could sleep on their couch for a day or two like that that’s that’s crazy I never had people in my life like
that before you know the Vibes The Vibes are are different but I feel like we’re
as a whole we’re going to come out of this and we’re going to come on top of it and we’re going to be better for it
you know it’s devastating and it’s heartbreaking you know all the animals man yeah that’s my god dude just it’s
just sad everything just your whole life some of these people didn’t have probably homeowners insurance or
whatever yeah from the eaten fires over in like Pasadena area where they took out all the like structures man like all
the the the businesses and people that’s lived there for 50 years and they don’t
have a backup plan you know it’s like what do what do you do like they don’t have savings they
don’t have a backup plan they don’t have fire insurance insurance it’s just it’s
just like really heartbreaking do you do you know anybody that was personally affected um so uh a
cooworker of mine um he lives in tapinga like in the canyon oh yeah he was like
all the houses around me gone gone mine’s still here and I was
like that’s crazy you know that is crazy um and he’s a he’s a therapist I’m not going to say his name but um but he had
to evacuate another cooworker that lives in the Palisades had to evacuate I don’t know anybody personally that was
affected um if it had to come over into the west side West Side anymore I would
have because all my subber community is in the west side like Venice Santa Monica stuff like that it was coming
that way you know man yeah where are we at on
time1 41 let’s see is there anything else in particular that that you’re
thinking I don’t know you wanted to mention I think that over the last almost three years God willing right um
that there had been a lot of times I wanted to give up um because it was
uncomfortable because I didn’t like to sit in my in my [ __ ] um and I could and
I would confuse boredom with peace after some some months of you know sitting
there and I would realize that I wasn’t looking at my phone during a movie you know um I was starting to get this like
peaceful Vibe you know I stayed I went to treatment I went to PHP I did IOP P
op sober living I did all of that um and for me for for somebody like me that was
vital I had to St in some structure for at least a year at least bare minimum
and I knew that if I really if I really wanted something different then I had to do something different you know and if
you want what we have you have to do what we do and so I started taking suggestions right and uh I dived into I
dived into the work um I surrounded myself with people who
wanted better and did better right um I wanted what they had um it was very uncomfortable for me
and and through these past uh three years you know I’ve I’ve had a lot of family issues
um that have made me want to run home but like I play the tape through
you know and then what I’ve never done this good in my life I’m you know but but my family’s
getting old my Mom and Dad’s getting old and I have nieces and nephews and uh I wanted to run home and I’m so
glad that I didn’t and I’m so glad that the most important thing for me was like
like finding my like tribe you know like that seems to be what changed this time
is you found the right people yeah yeah yeah I think because yeah you all you wanted your whole life was love
belonging acceptance yeah and I didn’t get it from the person that I was supposed to get it most mhm you know at that time yeah you
know um but definitely build a community
build a community of people because you get sober [ __ ] still happens dude it
actually is like like a lot of Life [ __ ] happens dude um just because we get sober doesn’t
mean that it’s not rainbow you know it’s always rainbows and orgasms [ __ ] happens dude you know
and had I done what I always do I’d be high isolation that was that was my biggest
thing um and then like really diving into me like I never put energy into myself
ever you know um figuring out who I am without
somebody in a substance and then you know again the
community yeah Community having people believe in me and like knowing
all the [ __ ] they knew about me you know and all the [ __ ] up things that I have
done man some terrible things you know and they didn’t
care and that was one of the biggest things that changed the game for
me I had arrived like that same moment that I got with drugs you know like I
have arrived this feels me right and then it’s like I had never felt that again like wanted done and here we are
now and I I feel like like all along this was the plan yeah you know like God
had a different plan than I had for myself and and I’m grateful for that
because I have everybody in my life of positive relationships I have a a new girlfriend that is amazing you know um
healthy you know um can communicate and I can communicate right um and just like
a solid support system so just while we uh have you here
just for like shorts and stuff do you have any crazy stories that you’d want to that You’ feel comfortable with
saying I have a lot of crazy stories um let’s go with the craziest the craziest
oh man I don’t remember a lot because you know Xanax cing
hair um I don’t remember a lot but I would probably say that one of the
I’ll give you one um I was riding in the car and I had my at the time he was eight or nine my little nephew and I was
going to pick up some dope and uh it was in this food line parking lot and I had
WRA Monopoly money inside Monopoly money yeah so I had wrapped up mon Monopoly
money in like real bills so and then R like you know like the real bills were
on the outside and if you go through a couple of them were good right but it was Band-Aid or not Band-Aid it was
rubber banded and so I like toss it in there and he tosses me and I take off
and next thing you know he’s coming after me dude and uh they start trying to shoot out my like um like uh the the
tire like trying to spin me out right and they could see and then a couple weeks later dude was like you didn’t get
shot cuz you had a little kid in the car you know and I was just like [ __ ] man
situations that we put oursel in you know I remember breaking into this this one gang member’s house man and still I
couldn’t get in the safe so I took the whole [ __ ] safe you know and I pushed it out the window and I came back around
and I like you know what I mean just like me and my brother one time dude it was crazy actually um before he got
locked up uh this was like 204 uh 203 14
maybe we had you know we were smoking crack and we shooting crack and we were in this this bizarre neighborhood that
we had no business being in my dad had took my car but he let us drive an older
car um and so me and my brother just just we we were so out of it that he thought
that I had uh taken the drugs from him
he took the seats everything out of this whole car right 24 we hadn’t slept right
24 hours later this Yukon he doesn’t tell me anything dude he tells me nothing and uh me and this this other
homie behind trees this Yukon comes up this black you guy he starts robbing him dude and next thing you know these this
they’re just [ __ ] uh uh guns firing off everywhere and I’m just like ducking
dude me and this homie Mike we’re just ducking running you know what I mean um there was so many situations that like
guns were shot off near me I was walking in this pvas is this area in Asheville North Carolina and me and this homie
were walking dude and I was living with this older woman at the time and you know he got shot standing right next to
me dude like we were just walking through the hood man and Bop he got shot and I just start ducking dude I’m like
oh my God this is this is crazy you know and I found myself in situations like
that very often I would Rob people you know
um you know the hotel the alibab off of alib
Alibaba and the the motel right across from that yeah craziest [ __ ] happened to me dude there like I thought I was like
a Kingpin I’m like yeah come through I got the do you know I’m selling like you I’m selling like a half a gram and [ __ ]
you know what I mean but like yeah come through you know what I mean and I got set up dude and I didn’t have a lot of
[ __ ] on me man but I got set up and robbed and and other the the story can
go a lot deeper we all know you know um you can go ahead uh I ended up getting
sexually assaulted um all the [ __ ] was taking off of me my
shoes I woke up in a hotel room with nothing you know nothing I had nothing
like I I woke up and there was nothing or no one around and I was just
like [ __ ] yeah you know alab babby same I got banned from there dude cuz me and
this chick she would either get alcohol poisoning or I would overdose all the time and just crazy [ __ ] like that would
happen like there was so I can’t even think of like all the things because I have 14 years of using you know 15 years
of for whatever you know there’s just so much things happened that
like I know I should be here today but there was so many close like God has a bigger purpose for me you know I was in
a motorcycle wreck in May that going down the Canyons where I shouldn’t have walked away from it you know at all the
officer even said you know you’re you’re very lucky this doesn’t happen you know and
I I I I know that I should be here or else I wouldn’t be right you know people are like I shouldn’t be here well you
should because you’re here you know um but you just like retraining my brain
into okay what’s my purpose and like keep doing the work you know keep doing
the work keep keep being of service keep showing up for people you know
and that’s that’s what I’ve done and I think God it you know I had a big problem with god
dude I [ __ ] hated God you know for many years
um but even like in May man it was just being in the moments where you
know you could have it could have all ended it’s scary sober you know it’s very
scary um so I know I should be here it’s just matter of what am I going to do with the
time right cuz I don’t know when it when or you know but just making use of like
each day trying to how can I be of Maximum service to someone today you
know cuz somebody took the time to do that for me you you know like I remember you
coming and getting me dude having nowhere to go in your car I remember that you know
people showed up for me when I didn’t deserve it what I felt like I didn’t I was just very sick and lost and so just helping
the next addict or alcoholic cuz that is what ultimately helped you yeah I’m in school now you
know uh if you would have told me I was going back to school Ain’t No Way hated it bro you but but yeah I’m starting my
second semester in school and you know I want to work in a m prison system I want to be a therapist I’m going for my LCSW
so LCSW hate therapist but you want to be I love that yes yes because you know
I have this really awesome therapist right now she’s so amazing um and I know
that you know keeping an open mind um with it right I did I didn’t always have
that I was like [ __ ] everybody you know um but this time around dude like like I said the hopelessness of that like I was
willing to do whatever but there was this one therapist dude and and and because like you know I’ve been in the
prison system the jails the the all this stuff right um they don’t
have resources like that it’s like where’s the rehabilitation nothing really good just like like the Bare
Bones bare bone like where’s the real Rehabilitation so we don’t keep reoffending you know because the problem
is is they you know they’re only making the problem worse you know and so I’m
going to school for that and I’m I’m going to try to I want to be a a therapist in a m prison
system is there any uh I guess advice that you would have for somebody going
through I guess what would your advice be to your younger self that’s so crazy because I just had
to write a letter to my younger self for school
um be authentic and don’t be afraid to show
people who who you are MH I think I ran for myself so long long that here I am almost 34 and I’m
just figuring it out you know or trying to but be okay with being you you know and
to my to my younger self I would probably say like it’s all going to be worth
it like there is going to be a light at the end of the tunnel and uh you’re going to get through
it keep fighting and keep coming back no matter what you know
so yeah love it well thank you for coming on Kayla thank you so much thanks
thank you
