Podcast Transcript
this is the straight jacket podcast I’m Rachel Honda licensed clinical social worker I’m Jeff representative of Mental
Health Resource and I am Ryan and I’m a case manager for trust
soal awesome so Ryan why don’t you give us a little bit of background um on how
you can relate to mental health and substance use so I come from a pretty
wild family tree um of mental health and substance
abuse um and it really has played into like my whole life leading up to now
today I have uh 28 months sober so two years and four months thank you and
which is huge for me because forever I couldn’t even get eight months sober six months sober um but it was because I
wasn’t willing to do what I needed to do to stay sober so um I come from a family
I have uh a brother and a sister and a mom and dad my parents are married and
still married and um so I grew up in a household and we didn’t have money when
I was younger but then my dad’s company took off when I was about I was about
seven years old and his Electro company took off and then I was able to see the other side of what like money looks like
and he got into all these Investments and things like that you know my dad he um would would do some things that to
make money just to keep us afloat until everything took off but it was some things that I ended up getting into you
know uh the hustle of like selling narcotics and things if I’m going to be honest on the podcast um so basically he
was doing some stuff and his company took off he quit doing whatever he was doing um but basically my throughout my
family it’s like my my mom had a grandma who had five brothers who were all
alcoholics the her dad which would be my great grandpa he was running moonshine in
during prohibition so he had like a moonshine um lab or whatever that they
wherever they make the Moonshine on his property he was a farmer they had no money and he got caught at a wh house
prostitute she’s in ring place and he got caught selling this stuff and he got put in prison and then he was pardoned
by the president my mom actually still has like this certificate that has like the president’s can’t remember which one
it was but has the president’s uh like signature on it um but they pardoned him after two years cuz he was supposed to
do 20 years in prison but they let him out but so that guy he the grandpa who
was the he ended up getting out he died in a DUI accident with this one of the sons and then the other four sons all
died alcoholically um it was just all alcoholic deaths drank themselves to death one drank himself to where he was
so like obese that he ended up dying but it was just very severe alcoholism but my grandma had no issues and that was
coming from my mom’s side so then we have my dad’s side um and if we go back
to like great grandpa what it was was that my great grandma was knocked up by a head KKK leader in Texas and she was
raped and then she took off to Washington State and uh had my and sorry
if this is too much but and then had my um had my grandpa and then um yeah and
then my my grandpa had got married and had three kids which one was my dad and
my dad was a big time partyer but he was able to pull it out but then my two aunts from that side have like the worst
mental health imaginable um so yeah so then there’s so yeah there’s that family
uh one is a meth addict one is just really really bipolar and we just don’t talk to her she won’t talk to us uh she
lives right down the street from my parents house but like if we see her at the grocery store she’ll like leave and run away and like just really bad like
mental health um hates us for no reason but that’s you know stuff that happens and then on my mom’s side she has five
brothers or five siblings counting her so she has a sister wait no there’s four of them so it’s my mom she has a sister
and then uh two brothers and one of the brothers is a heroin addict he was an oxycotton addict crack addict and then
um one of the brothers is an alcoholic but the mental health I would say was is
like from my dad’s side it’s like this bipol SL maybe something that’s undiagnosed because that my sister has
that type of mental health she ended up inheriting that mental health and she’s struggling today with her mental health
which we don’t know what it is for sure but it’s definitely some sort of bipolar mixed with possibly something else um
anyways so that’s kind of a little bit of the family background but so I was born in this family of five and um you
know we didn’t have a lot of money but I was always just very um I was like the good kid kept the family together made
everybody laugh like my role was to keep the family together my dad and sister were fighting constantly it was a
constant thing my sister couldn’t get attention from my dad cuz he was busy he was running a company he was doing these
outside activities you know with drugs and stuff and so he didn’t have time for her so she decided look like I need
attention so if I do negative things then I can get attention she didn’t get into drugs or anything but she was just
a crazy woman to grow up with to say the least it was just whatever she could do
to cause a fight or a problem she would do it and it was constant right you know it was uh it was difficult you know I
was just there make the family laugh I was good in really good in sports growing up I that’s all I did played
basketball hung out with my friends you know um so by the time 13 comes my
sister goes to college 13 14 my sister goes to college but then that’s kind of when I started getting in a lot of
trouble so it’s like they thought oh the problem’s gone she’s going to college and now Ryan in you know so at 12 right
before I I’ll just say that so I turned 12 I was playing basketball I was in sixth grade and I started hooking up
with this neighbor girl um at 12 sorry at 12 and uh and then at 12 um by the by
the time I turned 13 I had gotten her pregnant by the time I was 13 I started um you know smoking weed every day all
day I would drink three days a week at least um I just had to be up and
it was the only way for me to shut my head off where I didn’t care about the problems at home I didn’t care about
much right um and I realized now looking back that I actually had depression but
I didn’t know this until like later on in my life um but so I started partying
I got that girl pregnant you know she had had an abortion um and I just kept partying and
then um basically started messing up in school
started at 14 selling weed to all my friends like I would just buy like not a lot an ounce break it down sell it to my
friends and then just pick up another ounce and just do that and smoke for free and have like a little bit of money
um you know in ninth grade basically in also 8th grade like I don’t even know if
I can say this but someone robbed me for $40 a weed so my re my thing was if
anybody with me I was going to him so much harder right so they robbed me so I went to his house and did
took his stuff from his house right um this was a long time ago I was a young kid but um can I say stuff like that
okay all right all right I didn’t know where we were going with this but so um you know I just was this kid that was
very defiant once I got into the drugs it was like I was the nicest kid did everything right and then as soon as I started smoking weed and drinking it was
like I didn’t give a fing and I thought I was the coolest guy ever CU I had all these friends and my family had money and I had all these girls and I
played basketball and I was just like really good at basketball um but the more and more I got into the
drugs the more my basketball started like slipping away um so so 14 about 14
years old is when my parents started finding out everything they found out about the neighbor girl which they weren’t happy about that they found out
about me smoking weed they found out I was drinking my grades were slipping you know cuz I was in ninth grade um and
then because I was like a year older than everybody basically in my grade because I went to pre kindergarten when I was younger anyways so by 15 it’s like
a big problem my parents are freaking out in between 9th and 10th grade was a really bad year for me and my family
like I was crazy they’d be like you’re grounded I’d be like you and then like they’re like you can’t smoke weed
so I would just smoke weed at home in my house and be like you so it turned out me and my dad got in fist fights I
would run and take off for like weeks at a time and that became my next M Mo was like running away and staying with these
other rich girls that I knew that their parents were sing like divorced I had two of them in particular then I had a
buddy also but and their parents Lov me so they let me stay there and eventually when I got into my sophomore year grades
really started slipping and um I was had ran away for like a month and my parents
were very anti- cops um it stems from like my mom’s side and I guess my dad
his it just they were all both very anti- cops but my mom ended up calling the cop on me for being a runaway at 15
which is understandable I was 15 I was living with some girl I didn’t know what the hell I was doing so I went to this
um I went to this like basically like it’s like a jail where they take a juvenile detention center and they held
me for two weeks my parents found this treatment center out in Oregon and you know I was 15 and so I got driven
because it was the only they couldn’t send me to Washington because there was no lockdown and they knew I would run so they had to send me to Oregon where it
was a lockdown facility because certain states have different rules sent me to Oregon I was supposed to be there 28
days I stayed 52 got in a fight did drugs Smoked Cigarettes everything that
you shouldn’t be doing I was doing very defiant um the minute I get back you know it’s just it’s on and cracking
again I get caught using like within the first couple weeks I got caught drinking and smoking weed again so I wasn’t into
like hard narcotics or anything along those lines but my to my parents even
though my dad has this crazy past and I know my mom was right there it’s like he wanted they wanted something different
for me they came from nothing worked their asses off did some stuff that they’re not proud of but they were
hoping for their kids that they would go to college and be not do drugs and not party and things like that so cuz at the
time it was like my dad’s still drinking and partying all the time and I’m like and I didn’t know he was doing what he was doing at that young age I didn’t
find out anything really until I was about 19 years old about until I went to work for him really is when I kind of
figured out what was really going on when I was younger um anyway so I come
back from treatment I’m on the run again staying with this girl and finally my parents it had been about 2 months I was
back and my parents called the neighbor girl who I had gotten pregnant who was like my friend and was like hey tell
Ryan to come home so I came home and they were like look like we’re not going to ground you anymore just as long as
you’re here like it’s all good just do whatever you want to do so I woke up about eight hours later to two big
mountain men they call them oh God and one guy had zip ties and then one guy was just like the skinny guy had zip
ties and the other guy was this huge dude and they’re standing over me and they’re like you can go the easy way or the hard way I’m like and like so
and my mom opened the door she’s like before they walked in she’s like I love you and then these guys walk in and it’s
like I had no choice so I get on a plane with them and I go to Wilderness out in uh boarding or out in Idaho uh Boise
Idaho so I go out there to this place and I do a 28 day Wilderness for it’s
for like kids young kids that are like up real bad so I go to this Wilderness and I enjoyed it I really
enjoyed the Wilderness Program it’s just that the Wilderness Program was getting kickbacks from the boarding school so
they were telling my parents like look anything that they feared they told them I did I tried to run I got in a fight I
did drugs I did everything wrong right even though I went there and I was like it this is kind of cool like living
sleeping out in the snow like we’d make a fire which we did from our own bow that we we didn’t have lighters nothing
we’ have to create a bow they taught us everything uh how to make animal traps things like that but so I thought it was
very interesting I’m from Washington like I liked outdoors I was like this is pretty chill um but so and then like the
coolest thing I think we did was we would hike and then for like like in the snow up to our knees we’d hike like 7 miles a day and then at night sometimes
we wouldn’t have a tent and so we would make a fire we would dig a hole in the dirt like get rid of the snow get rid of
some of the dirt put the hot coals down and then put the dirt over it and then you would wrap your sleep your sleeping
bag in a tarp because it’ get wet from the snow melting and you would sleep on top of these like hot coals even though
like dirt’s covering it so it keep you actually keep you warm which is pretty wild but um so yeah I enjoyed it um and
I think I’m going home and the day I’m going home they’re like yeah by the way you’re going to boarding school and I was like oh me so here I am going
now on a plane to Utah Provo Utah and this is where gets kind of crazy so
I get over there to Provo Utah and um at this point like I don’t see a problem
with my drug use I just see a problem with my parents like they’re just trying to stop me from having fun
I’m not doing anything crazy I’m not doing anything that my dad hasn’t done like I just don’t get them like why are
you up my ass so much when like everybody’s smoking weed everybody’s drink that I knew right that I was
hanging out with so and their parents didn’t give a so I thought it was like what is the big deal here so I really hated my parents at this point so
I get sent to this boarding school and uh first night there they’re like there’s these four Halls they’re like
these long halls and there’s about in each it’s basically what they did for the school is they took an old um Church
and turned it into this boarding school for men and females but they were completely separated so I was in these
there’s these four male dorms there’s about I don’t even know maybe 100 feet long maybe a little longer and then
there’s like these dividers and there’s like four bunk beds in each section of these like long hallways and so they put
me in the bottom uh section the bottom hallway and it was with all these I was like wait like all the cooler kids were
like up higher and then it was like all these like computer nerds and like stuff that were he like bottom row and I was
like this is strange so I I’m in there and all of a sudden the lights turn up and I just hear screaming and blah blah
blah blah I’m like what the so I I’m in the very back of this like long hallway right and so I’m like and
they’re coming from this way and I like come out and I’m like what the going on here and I get like punched in the face right what so I start you know
punching fools and I get put up on this uh desk and I kick this dude in the face they all take off running next
morning at breakfast they were like hey you got to come sit with us you got to move upstairs with us right right so
they wanted the weak ones down there that they could beat up every night and like with right so it ended up
being this thing where it was like people that were sent there because their parents just didn’t want to deal with them they’d play video games all day they were just or whatever
but then there was the kids like me that were Fighters partyers things like that that were getting into a lot more
trouble um so and then it was like the kids could tell and people would get in
trouble but then they would get beat up even harder by other people so there was like no way for these kids
to really tell and be safe right cuz you’re still going to be here those guys might get punished but then their
friends are going to come for you so it’s like it created this thing but I seen guy I seen one guy get tied up with
belts and whipped with belts seen a guy get held down and put hot sauce in his eyes seen a guy where they put salt on
his hand and they were like hey let me put salt in his hand and I’ll give you a cigarette and they put an ice cube on
his hand and they then he closed his fist and he was supposed to open it when it started heating up and they just grabbed onto his hand it burnt a hole
through skin cuz the ice and the salt will literally like burn a hole through your skin people don’t real I don’t know
people realize that the combination um so yeah bad kids and I
regret later I didn’t regret it then because I just like Ste back and I was like these guys suck but like at
the same time I wasn’t going to go against them right like it just it would have made way harder I didn’t know
how I was supposed to be there for three and a half years right and I’m 15 and a half at this time and they wanted to
keep me till I was 19 cuz they can in Utah it’s the only state they can legally keep you until you’re 19 years
old so my nickname from day two was run plans Ryan so I was plotting the whole
time I’m getting out of here no one had ever escaped but I knew I was getting the out of there I don’t care I
don’t care that no one’s escaped there is a way out and I found that way out and um but yeah but going back to that
stuff like I regretted that stuff that happened that I didn’t say anything but it was like if someone else would have
been there they most likely wouldn’t have said anything either because it was like it it’s like being in prison it’s
like you can’t you have to survive and just get through it right and so that’s how I looked at it um so and I was
chilling I was fine no one was with me because I was so good at basketball and then I knew how to fight and they just never and I was
tall and like I was six foot in the e8th grade I thought I was going to be like 69ine but I grew up two inches since 8th
grade um I think that was the drugs that stunted it but um so anyway so I’m in
how did you get out so I’m in boarding school and every you know my boy always knew me as run plans Ryan but I was
plotting hard and so basically I ended up getting this is the only kind of thing I did to a kid that kind of was up a little bit but I got this
kid I was like hey man you can hang out with us if you pull that fire alarm so when he pulled the fire alarm I went to
the back and found out that it unlocked the doors so we’re in this like locked place right and the only thing that
could open the door is Staff or the fire alarm right so I find out so I didn’t run then but I now I know that the fire
alarm unlocks all the doors cuz that’s what I was checking for right so I was was able to get a letter out so this kid
that was leaving I gave him this letter basically what happened was I had a buddy Doug who had been there for three
years and he was a couple years old I me he’d been there three years and he had a best friend and he was doing super well
and there’s like in that program you can move up stages like up to like a little bit more freedom well the top spot you
could go to the library and that was like the most Freedom you would get um basically but by your like by yourself
basically but so he ended up getting in trouble cuz he hooked up with one of the girls that also had that freedom to go
to the and they found out about it so they sent him back with me he was pissed he wanted to leave I was already plotting the whole time he knew this guy
that was leaving and I gave him this letter to the kid that was leaving and when that kid left he mailed the letter to my ex-girlfriend or the girl that I
still was talking to at the time and so Chelsea uh got the letter gave it to my brother my brother was in college he
gave it to my best friend and my best friend who I used to say with sometimes his mom was like gave him the keys and
was like getting some money was like go get this like go get him so they drove up three of my friends just
off a letter that said I need to get out of here I need you guys to drive to this address across the street and flash your
lights at night so I know that you’re there right so freaking that day during
the daytime I was in my room and I’m like oh God I’m just praying that these fools show up like I had no idea if they were
going to come or not but I had the whole thing planned out if they did right and so at about 3:00 in the afternoon some
guy that I actually had punched in the face prior cuz like something happen he kicked me in the knee and I punched him
and anyways he comes up to me he’s like hey man there’s these guys out there looking for you well if these people from the school found out cuz there was
like this yard you could walk in right but it had so this is one of the fences I had jump but it’s like these fences
and then it had uh not Barb bar but it had these like spikes on the top and they were like super high fence so
there’s like no way um and also they the one reason why people like someone one person had escaped out of the yard but
they don’t take people from Utah is the first thing second thing is that way there’s nowhere to go second thing is is
like for that guy when he escaped like they shut down like the bus stations the airport like they went to all these places and made sure that this guy
wasn’t going to get and they caught him right away so I knew I there was the only option is to like get picked up and
get the out of there so anyway so I I come out I see him and I’m like and like I just walk away from him like I
just see him and I’m just like this and I walk away from him and then that night they were there flashing the lights and U and I told the kid I was like oh I’m
getting some drugs tonight I’ll give it to you cuz I didn’t want him to rrap me out so I was like I got drugs coming bro tonight it’s on like come find me at 2:
a.m. right I was leaving at 12 so um I got another guy that had been there for
3 years that was always in trouble but he was a big hockey fan and so that night I saw him flashing the lights and
my buddy dug and I was like all right so I went to my friend Curran who had been there a long time and I gave him a watch and I was like hey man I’ll give you
this watch if you can get him out of the camera room to watch this hockey game with him so he went down there got the guy of the camera room to watch this
hockey game it was about 11:30 at night when I sent them down there and at 12:00
we were gone dude I we snuck into the school pulled the fire alarm went out the back hopped the fence and I
end up like cutting this huge chunk out of my knee on the fence got into the car and we were gone um so I get back to
Washington and then I have all these private investigators chasing me from the school and then the people from the
school were chasing me they were offering like thousand rewards so at this point they owned my parents owned
51% of me and the people from the school owned 49% of me right but the main reason they wanted me back is because
the whole thing was no one had ever escaped no one will escape but they tell everybody and I screwed them right and
that’s why my parents sent me there was because it was like their selling point was no one will ever escape from this
place like it’s impossible they might get out for a second but there’s no way to go anywhere so um so they’re hunting
me down they almost catched me a couple times they’re they tackled two of my different buddies at different points
where they thought he would they were me and they literally like tackled them on the beach they thought they were me um
so one time I get woke I was staying at my buddy Eric’s house the guy that picked me up and his mom was super cool
and she was dating this uh crackhead guy and he came and woke us up at like 700 a.m. he’s like they’re out there man and
I was sitting there thinking like yeah I’m sure they’re out there like uh you know but what had happened was was that
the parking lot across the street from the school had a camera in it cuz it was a like a Safeway and they got the license plate and it was his mom’s
license plate so they fought they were able to go to that address so they were actually there so I jumped in the car high speed Pursuit my buddy blew through
this red light and luckily they stopped because they were didn’t want to die so um escaped again still on the Run
months pass month passes the people from the school go home and then I just have these private investigators who
ironically were the private this is hard to believe but the private investigators that worked on the Princess Diana case
so these are like big time private investigators and at this point my parents are paying them so the school
backed out and now my parents cuz my parents have money so they’re paying these guys right and so they almost
catch they knew that they could follow this girl the girl Chelsea and that at some point I would probably see her so they start following her they almost
catch up to me long story short my parents wanted me to come home I ended up coming home with a knife like I’m not
going back if someone wants to stop me like not my parents but like if these guys want to stop me like okay right um
and my parents were just like nah like we didn’t know how bad it was we didn’t know what was going on cuz when I was in the school like they would let you make
a phone call to your parents every month for five minutes wow yeah but they were in the room and it was on speaker and if
you said anything it was hang up if you wrote a letter they would pre-read it they didn’t like it they wouldn’t send it out right had to say like this place
is amazing you or or they’re going to hang up the phone or not the letter is done so um really controlling and a lot
of these places actually got like shut down I did the only cool thing I got to do when I was in boarding school was I got to play basketball at these other
schools but these like guards would take us over there and I actually was playing against Paris Hilton school when she was
actually in that school and she had some really bad happen to her so Paris Hilton now is like going to the capital
like as we speak like this current time and she’s like trying to bring awareness to these boarding schools cuz she had to
shower naked for these male guards and like all this stuff happened to her yeah didn’t she come out with like some sort
of special on that she did yes and now it’s like in court right now like I don’t know what it’s in but in she’s in
she’s been going I saw it on like C-SPAN the other day so she’s like bringing awareness to these boarding schools and
like what they’re doing and then they just came out with the documentary on Netflix can’t remember the name of it
but um it’s basically it’s it’s the horor of these boarding schools and these Wilderness programs and stuff like
that so anyway so long story short I end up staying you know and then I go to a
private school and set it back to Stadium High School which I was at this this huge high school called stadium and
it was actually where they filmed the movie 10 Things I Hate About You And it’s like it looks like a castle and uh we had 4,500 people on our school and
like so my parents were like that’s a bad idea let’s send them to this small private school I lasted about six months
and six months in they handed me this piece of paper and it was like everything bad that I’ve done for the
reasons to kick me out and like majority of it too was like Ryan they’ never seen people give D before so this was like
back in the beginning right the P private schools hadn’t seen it right so like they thought I was passing drugs I
wasn’t doing it in the school but outside the school I was but they thought I was doing it like just in the hallways with people and like so they
end up kicking me out and like the final straw was this de uh de kid it got burnt on accident like I was in I was I was
super high and I was burning this piece of glass and I put it on the table and this deaf kid came and put his arm down and it like we had hearing he wasn’t de
but and it like burnt the skin off his arm and that was like the final draw where they’re like you’re out so now I’m out and they gave me this list and it’s
like all this and it’s like cuz my first day of school there too so I I’d been getting in trouble since day one
but my first day of school there I was across the street and I was smoking a blunt and this guy rolled up on me and he’s like hey you can’t be here smoking
and I thought he worked for like the casino cuz I was in like this casino parking lot and I was like you get the out of here and then like I
walk into school and it was the principal so and that was day one so they I they already had it like out for
me and I was in these like drug and alcohol classes in the school that they made me go to once a week and anyways um
so you know that’s when after that is when I really got into selling drugs I
was about 16 uh going on 17 it was weed you know I got heavy into selling weed
um and then it went from weed and it went a year later by like 17 and a half it was and weed and that’s how I
supported myself for 10 years you know um and and I would like to talk about so
it’s not just like a drunk alog but like I had when I look back because
eventually I go on this like anti-depressant which changes a lot for me and this happened about 5 years ago
but when I look back I had I didn’t think I had depression because I was La I would laugh a lot and stuff like that
but I had this weird depression where I would wake up super depressed I would like go through these depressive spells
and I didn’t know what it was but I used the drugs and stuff to cope with that depression right so that was like my my
antidote was using the drugs and the women and gambling and fighting and
whatever it was to manage the depression so I didn’t have to feel the depression right I knew if I got in a fight I would
be high mentally for like seven days after right I’d get this adrenaline rush and then I would be like on this like
high when whether I won or not I was on this high and so um I got into a lot of
fighting and that got me in so much trouble and so um anyway so I’m selling
drugs uh 18 comes around and I’m I at 17 I moved out with this Native American
guy and like was selling drugs out of his house um then 18 came along and it
was my senior year I was going to actually graduate but I was like paying people in weed to do these alternative classes but I was back at stadium so I
was like taking classes but you could like bring the tests home and the and so I was paying people we to do that then I
was just taking the easy classes right the electives and and um anyway so
I’m about to graduate month from graduating and we used to fight all the time after school so my buddy comes to
me and I ate mushrooms in sixth period the last period of the day and I come out my buddy’s like I’m going to fight
this guy and I’m like like yeah Okay and like normally you’re calm on mushrooms but I go to this fight and I see him
fighting and they’re punching each other but nothing’s like happening so I walk up and I like deck the guy that he was
like fighting there was about 150 people there and we were filming this fight right I turned around I’m like like all
crazy and he gets up and runs and jumps into the car and locks himself in his buddy’s car and I crazy enough jumped on
the uh the hood of the car and I punched the windshield and like spider webbed it I didn’t break through it but I spider
webbed it the owner of the car unlocked the door and I ripped him out and I punched him and then my buddy kicked him
in this different buddy kicked him in the face so we all three went to jail um one of the guys that went to jail with
me he actually just uh five years ago his name was Tony miles and he got he got um second place in World Series of
Poker and got $5 million which was like five years ago but which is like a huge tournament big deal but um
anyways uh so I ended up going to jail for that and I got sentenced to a year in jail with 11 months suspended so I
served a month on that and um so I get out and then I’m selling drugs and this
like I had like four Dudes that were working for me at the time and one of them own money and decided he wasn’t
going to pay me and I ran into him and I was like look bro I’m off probation in a few months I’m going to come after you
right and he was sitting on this guard rail I was with six of my friends and I was sitting on this guard rail and he came at me with a beer bottle and tried
to hit me with the beer bottle so I grabbed his arm took the bottle and I hit him in the face with it it didn’t break it was just like Tink and it split
his forehead wide open and some other stuff happened I beat him up and yeah
I’m not can’t even tell the rest but there just some crazy happened at that point so I end up going to jail for that but what did I always have parents
bailing me out getting me the good lawyers every single time so I wasn’t really doing real time I should have went to prison for sure but I didn’t
because I had the family saving me so once again they get me another lawyer and this lawyer is like the best lawyer
in town because now I I’m on probation I catch another one and so um I got I got
no time for the second one but they were able to get me for that 11 months that I had remaining from the first one that I
had suspended so I kept like going in the jail because I was eating up that months it’s it’s kind of hard to explain
but anyway so I ended up doing a year and a two and a half year period I did a year in County um and I had about I had
a month till I was off probation right and I still had I think it was 90 days left over my head and they were going to throw me back in if I failed and I got
high again on Oxy Cotton at this point I’m on oxycotton and uh I’m like can’t go back to jail I don’t know what
to do so I took a razor blade out and I cut my big toe open to the bum f it went in there I know it doesn’t make sense
but I went in there and they gave me stitches obviously and they gave me they were like we’re going to give you vikin
in and I was like no no no no no has to be peret I’m allergic to vikin in peret shows up as oxycotton went into my Po’s
office and was like be was able to fail the last month and she was pissed because she knew and she hated
me um so I was able to get off probation which was lucky cuz then I didn’t get
arrested for like 11 more years but I I continue
living on my own I’m living with this girl selling cocaine selling weed I’m hooked on oxycotton bad right but to me
I thought heroin was horrible but oxycotton was fine so I didn’t realize
that it was the same thing and I was paying so much money so I had a $400 day habit that I had to keep up with well by
the time I was 26 it was like everybody was going to either oxie um meth heroin
Etc so people weren’t doing cocaine and then and and I had to make over $400 a day pay rent plus my $400 day have
between me and my chick and like it was outrageous so got to a point where I basically my B my drug business
was crumbling right so um long story short this is probably the craziest part
but I was running out of money I had my own apartment I got to a point where I wasn’t going to even be able to pay my rent and I go to this party and I get
drunk and I run into some guy that I basically owed money to and we fought
and so I tackle him and we roll off this hill we’re at this really nice house by Golf Course and I tackle him we roll up this hill
and I’m like punching him in the face and we roll right out in the middle of the street and by the time we end up finishing rolling I’m like on top of him
like straddling him and I’m just like pounding his face in and the cops were actually there down on the street and I
didn’t know it so they came running up and they had tasers out there like get on the ground and I’m like oh so I’m like getting on the ground
and my brother was shitfaced and he’s a nut when he’s drunk quiet shy when he’s not crazy when he’s drunk and he came
running up picked me up by my shoulders and was like run so I’m running on one side of the street he’s running and has
this fat cop chasing him on this side of the street and I have this rookie chasing me literally it’s his first year
I’ll tell you how I know that but it’s his first year as a cop so he ends up telling me I’m going to tase you in the
back and so I’m like I stop because I have I I was born with a fib so I thought it could actually like kill me if he tase me I stopped he put me in
handcuffs my brother kept going and he throws me on the ground and then this neighbor who I’m guessing called the
cops grabbed somebody that ran through his yard and the guy was like yelling like hey help me and so I was like I looked at the cop I was like aren’t you
going to help this guy so he went after the uh guy to help him and I popped up and I was gone so there was this
golf course and I ran and I just hit this fence wayist steep flipped into the golf course and I sat in there for a
couple hours until I was about to pee myself CU I couldn’t get to my P you know and so I end up going back sneaking
towards the house long story short I run to my brother coming through the bushes the cop his C that cop didn’t catch him
either so then we go to this other spot he calls his buddy picks us up we take go back to his house so we’re in his
house and I just couldn’t wait to smoke a cigarette so he he was able to get a hacksaw and saw the middle part
and half right just the middle part he couldn’t get the actual bracelet because it was a hacksaw he couldn’t but he could get this like middle part even
though it was behind my back it was like this middle part he was able to saw and half in half with a hacksaw so I’m free
and I’m like oh yeah dude so I go out and I start smoking a cigarette I should have went out back but I went up front all of a sudden cops are driving
at his house he had left his car behind it was the only car left behind they ran the license plate and we’re like oh maybe this is who it is so they
come in we’re hiding in the closets with shotguns loaded they’re banging on the doors for hours we thought they were just going to come in
um I don’t know why we had load shotguns but we were in there tripping so uh they end up leaving the next day I go I break
down to to my parents and I’m just like I need help they cut the handcuffs off with bull Cutters and I’m
you know and then I’m like I need treatment and that’s when I went that was the first time I came to them I’d been the treatment prior for court
reasons but this was or like sent by them but this was the first time I ever came to them and I was like I need
help and so they’re able to get the Cuffs off and then a couple hours later I get a phone call and it’s my
buddy who owned the house and the cop showed up the next day and was like I’m a rookie I need those cuffs back well
they were already cut up into a million pieces into like eight pieces we rubb them down rubbing on call and like threw
them into the woods already I don’t know if I should be saying any of this but we could edit stuff too if we have to um
and then you know so I take off and I go to a uh a treatment center up in uh
Aspen Colorado and back then it was all cash pay for treatment there was no luxury of insurance or anything like
that so you know it’s like 50,000 here 50 you know what I mean so go up there I do a 90-day program it was 50 grand um
skied five days a week and then I came to California stayed sober from there got sober down here and then
I the depression kicked in when I was sober because I wasn’t willing to work a program so I would get discontent IR
able and I’d get depressed and and I at this point I hadn’t found an anti-depressant so I start using again
now I’m selling and then I get into heroin because and I realized heroin is oxycotton but oxycotton just seemed
better because everybody knows heroin’s bad but no one knew how bad oxycotton was because the pharmaceutical companies
pushed it like it was like this cure for any type of pain non-habit forming well
we all know they lied and hook got millions and millions of people hooked on drugs um anyway so I sell drugs out
here it’s like I’m I’ll end up homeless cuz now I’m in California where I don’t know a lot of people like back home I’m always good but out here it was like I
would end up homeless I would end up just crazy situ living off for girls like that was my big thing was like I
would find a chick that was cute and then I would live off for her they would work and like they would just try to fix
me and it always lasts about year and a half two years before they’re like okay I can’t fix this guy and then it was like time to move on right um so I did
that for a long time and I sell drugs and go in and out of treatment centers but I wasn’t willing to work a
program um so basically about it was about I don’t know three years ago I met
this girl Khloe we got sober together and um we moved in together and she is
still sober today with like I guess it’s three a little over three years I think is what it is um anyway so I meet her I
move in with her and at this point it’s like things have started changing in my life I’m on this anti-depressant which
now when I’m sober I’m not depressed like I was I wake up happy everything’s good and I realize like I would have
never had a chance to get sober until I went on this anti-depressant because until I fixed the mental health aspect I
couldn’t fix the addiction aspect because the addiction was my cure to my mental health right so um and throughout
these treatment stages they tried to put me on anti-depressants and I was like yeah I’m not getting hooked on that right like I’ll go do whatever you know
what I mean heroin that came out of some Mexican guy’s butt but don’t you dare try to get me hooked on Prozac or
something like that right So eventually I cave I get really depressed uh that was like five years ago but I ended up
going on it and anyway so in that five years I noticed I was just getting better in a ho I wasn’t able to
completely say sober but I was getting a longer stance of sobriety I was at least like going to AA I was changing things I
was acting more mature at the same time I was like growing up you know what I mean and so I was definitely evolving
and then basically two years and uh four months ago I started well I was with that girl
and I started getting high and I go to treatment and then I finally was able to get sober the thing that saved me was I
had a month sober and I I came back from treatment I moved in with this girl that was sober and her rule for me to live
there still was I had to go to a meeting every day which probably saved my life along with my mom was like why don’t you
try working in treatment again it’s been about 10 years try working in treatment and I think that’s combination of AA
my well three things the anti-depressant AA and um and working treatment are the
three things that got me sober and it’s why I’m still sober today and why I know I’m going to be sober tomorrow is
because of this right I used to always be before like if I was sober was like I I can’t promise two hours from now but now it’s like I know I’m going to be
sober and now I’m planning for like the future and I’m like I have a credit I was telling um Rachel the other day that
like I didn’t even they wouldn’t even give me a credit score you know at 37 years old they’re like yeah we can’t even give you you’ve never had a credit
card you’ve never like it’s just like so I had to like pay into you know put a $100 down on a $500 credit card limit
build it up and now I have like six credit cards and I have a 620 credit score and like you know I have 15 grand
in the bank like completely different than any other time before I live on my own I have a cat like I work in
treatment don’t forget the cat I dude I wish I if I would have remembered I would have brought Bonnie for this interview cuz she would had a lot to say
about how good I’m doing too so um but yeah so it’s just good man it’s
like my life has changed so much but it’s the best decision I think I made
too was just working in treatment because then it’s like for me what I’ve realized is it’s about helping other
people that’s what’s going to keep you sober it’s helping others if you want to get sober and that’s like the basically
the whole Foundation of AA to is like work these steps so then you can give it back and help others and I’ve realized
that like when when I was doing bad things it was like I was getting hit with all this all the time I’m
doing good things and it’s like I’m getting hit with all this positive stuff all the time and it is
completely better life and like I’m happy I talked to my my dad wouldn’t even talk to me like I talked to him for
on Christmas and now he like yesterday he just called me just to talk and we talked for like 45 minutes for no Reon
it’s just so strange but I love it right I’m going to Hawaii with him in a couple months I’ve been going home to visit um
and it’s not because I’m telling them I’m sober it’s because they see that I’m sober I used to tell them all the time
oh I’m doing this and I would get some time together but they still were like yeah he’s because of my behaviors because I wasn’t doing anything but now
it’s like they trust me they’re calling me to deal with my sister because in the LA since Co hit my brother and sister
I’ve been struggling with alcoholism um and my sister’s been struggling big time with alcoholism and
mental health on like a severe degree so um we’re actually trying to get them
help now I’m going to be flying home uh possibly for a weekend in a couple weeks to do like an inter for her and um but
but yeah so I mean now I can help others but I will say that I I went to school
for you know to be a case manager and the thing that they told me was that 80% of people have dual diagnosis that are
drug addicts 80% of people that get hooked on drugs have a mental health issue and they cope with it by using
drugs because that’s like the solution it’s a temporary solution and it works in the beginning but it will always turn
on you in the end and so a lot of these people they just need mental health awareness and they need to realize like
when you’re working with a doctor you do need to try some things even though you don’t want to because they had a better
idea of what was going on than I did but I kept saying like they don’t know what they’re talking about and I will just
keep doing heroin or whatever right and that did not work and it ruined my relationships with everybody and like
you know I’m grateful lucky to be alive I’ve almost died a bunch of times uh whether it was from drugs or from
situations I put myself in or you know um but anyways I uh did a lot of
rambling but I I I’m just grateful to be sober I’m grateful for AA and I’m grateful for mental health awareness I’m
grateful I was able to do this podcast for everybody and hopefully get some help to somebody else that’s struggling with depression or bipolar that knows
that you know there is help out there you just need to reach out for it and most likely get into treatment where you
can see specialist doctors things like that nature so you can move forward in your life and have a good life like I
never thought I could live on my own and just be chilling like granted I have my cat Babysitting me but like it’s amazing
right so I just never thought I could get there how has um therapy played a role in huge so I’ve been doing this is
the other thing that I I even tell everybody cuz like it’s not that big of it’s I mean it’s a great thing it’s a
very positive thing so I tell all my clients too it’s like they think oh I’ll do therapy for a month and that’s all I need right I am still in therapy I for
the first almost two years I did every week and now I’m every two weeks so and
I love my therapist and she’s gosh I I and that’s another thing is like I didn’t add that into like one of the
things that helps but I know that that is one of the things that helps and she helped me work through this stuff like
with my about my family and like all this stuff and like if I could recommend anything it’s if you get sober don’t
think like oh now I got this it’s like now let’s start put implementing other things so I can move forward and have a
life um I had a old sponsor used to say when you think you can do less you need to do more and and I believe that
because when you think like I got this I be two years sober now I don’t need to help people now I can just hang out with my wife or meet girls or do whatever
it’s like you have no idea what’s coming if you don’t keep giving yourself your daily Medicine by Alcoholics Anonymous
helping people working on your mental health things along those lines you have to maintain this you have to maintain it
and it’s work and that’s the thing is like people you it’s crazy it’s like people used to always say to they big am
grateful to be alcohol act and i’ be like oh you guys are like who would be grateful for that but
now how my life is today it’s like if I wouldn’t have went through that then I wouldn’t have the good things I have today and I wouldn’t be able to help the
people I’m helping today and now I know I can stay sober forever that it’s like cuz before I always thought like this is
going to end soon like anytime I got sober I was like oh uh this is like milk it has an expiration dat when’s it going
to end you just sabotage it yourself and then it’s like it yeah yep so now it’s like I have the
confidence I have but you know I have SP I have three spones it’s like I’m actually doing stuff I’m not just I
don’t know I used to just talk to my parents and like but now they see it I don’t know how to explain other than that it’s like it came to a point where
they were like just stop talking and just show us and then I finally did was able to um but but it’s a lot it’s not a
lot of work but it’s cons it has to be consistent work it’s easy but it just has to be consistent and that’s where
most people fall off is they don’t want to do the consistent work yeah that’s
true so that was the easiest interview I know you honestly answered all the
questions I had the only thing I like to talk TI together well TI us together really well
yeah like the struggles and then mental health and also um the hope I guess
there is hope but you know um the thing is is that like people that are
struggling with like suicidal isolations things like that it’s like there is hope and there
is a way to get better you just have to put in the work don’t ever give up on yourself because there was points in
times where I almost gave up on myself and just said it I’d be better off not living but what I realize was and I
realize this for anybody is if you stop getting in your own way and start doing what people are recommending to you or
go get help SE seek it out and actually do the stuff that they’re telling you to do then your life can get better and
will get better but we have to work for it if we just sit back and we’re going to be at home and just stay miserable
and not work for it then we’re going to continue to be you know sick and and unwell right so um I just always think
that everybody has a second chance or a third chance or a 20th chance if they’re willing to work for it if you’re not
willing to work for it then you’re going to get the same results like I did for 10 years which was nothing it was just
bouncing around and not willing to do anything for myself and a lot of it was fear for sure fear of success fear of it
was just fear man it was like on the outside it was like this egotistical guy
and blah blah blah blah but inside I was just full of fear um through all my failures through everybody telling me
like oh you’re a piece of you’re just a drug addict D D D D and it just starts Weighing on you on the inside so then you start you know what I mean I
can’t even hold a job and then if I do get a job I’m going to lose it if I get loaded and just you start it starts like beating you down and now it’s like I’m
being risen up by everything and it’s I don’t know man it’s cool and I’m just super no excuse me super
grateful yeah no and there is hope and I think some people get discouraged like
because of the like they’re like look at the statistics of like treatment doesn’t
work but it’s it’s exactly what you said it’s no it does work if you put the work
in yep and what’s crazy is that so that girl that I was telling you guys about that’s still sober and she is like over
three like probably like almost closer to three and a half years but so it was her first time in treatment and so I
ended up like relapsing the beginning of my relationship and I went treatment then came back and I’ve been sober since then but what I told her to do was you
do AA all the stuff I wasn’t even doing then I was telling her to do and she did it and she’s still sober it was her
first time getting sober I didn’t do it and I relapsed but then I started doing everything with her and then I was able
to stay sober so it’s like if you’re willing to give up and just do what you told in the beginning I probably could have got the first time I just wasn’t
willing because I would stand in my own way oh that’s not going to work me oh every excuse I could ever come up with
oh I have felonies I can’t get a job oh I have you know what I mean it’s just any excuse I could come up with I would
come up with it I’m so I’m now I’m 37 and I’ve never worked a day in my life so now what am I going to you know what I mean it was just complete excuses
but there’s always a way to work yourself out of it and work yourself into a better situation but you have to
get into action so very true well thank you so much for coming
on the podcast yeah absolutely thank you again for for inviting me that was good
