Podcast Transcript
welcome to straight jacket podcast today
we had Jackie O she had a really
inspirational story about substance use
Mental Health and Family Dynamics so
we’re here with Jackie and Jackie if you
can introduce yourself a little bit Yeah
my name is Jackie um I’m a case manager
I work in treatment
uh I’m a recovering addict I spent 9
years uh addicted to heroin and probably
a bunch of other substances
um I grew up in Panama um and then I
moved to Montana which is like the
complete opposite of
Panama
um and
uh I don’t know I I think when I was
younger I experienced a lot of loss in
my life really young um within the same
year my my brother got murdered and my
dad committed suicide four days after I
moved in with him and
um my home life before that was just
kind of crazy as well so
I never really coped with anything I
just kind of went crazy with everything
I did in my life
um and I don’t think like I was honestly
probably an addict before I ever touched
a substance I like did everything to the
extreme
um but
uh yeah now I uh I’ve got a whole new
mindset in life which is crazy my life’s
so different today than it was five
years ago
and what do you think
like started that cuz like for how many
did it take you a while to get there
like well I spent two years in rehab um
consecutively and then before that like
jail um I was in the hospital for four
months right before I decided to come to
rehab because I I almost died I got like
a bad heart infection and then an bad
blood infection and Jail from Bad jail
tattooing cuz I make terrible
decisions um and even that wasn’t really
enough to scare me and to stop using
um and even when I came out to
California it was just like to try to
get out of the shitty lifestyle I was
living um because at the end it got
pretty scary um but I wasn’t like ready
to be sober I don’t think cuz I would at
first I was like not an alcoholic or
yeah I’m not an alcoholic I’m an addict
so I would try to like get away with
drinking all the time which doesn’t work
when you’re in rehab um and honestly in
life when you’re trying to find
shortcuts and everything it just puts
you back so I like to learn things the
hard way super hard way all the
time and how’s that
changed um probably a little bit Yeah I
try I try to be more um I think today
I’m more aware when I’m like making
stupid decisions like I can I can uh
pinpoint like when I’m
like making the wrong choice out of
either laziness or just because I don’t
like want to do something
um I’ve got better discernment today in
my decisions which honestly has given me
like in my work um for for treatment
like I really do believe almost anybody
can change cuz of the complete 180 my
mindset has has turned into cuz before I
never thought I would like I never
imagined this being my life and I’m
enjoying it you know what I mean like I
have real blessings in my life today and
that’s crazy it’s crazy uh what do you
think are the uh what do you think
changed your um I guess life and mental
health the most um in a negative way or
positive in a positive
way um
so especially like for my addiction I
think like a lot of my using and the
crazy lifestyle I lived um was because I
wanted to numb out everything um and you
can’t really numb you don’t get to
selectively numb out emotions or
thoughts or anything like that like you
numb everything when you start to numb
um so when I started to have like good
things happen again in my life and like
I was seeing
good things happen to other people in my
life because of the good decisions I was
making even if they sucked sometimes
doing the right thing sucks um like just
to not be a burden to everybody around
me or like a liability cuz I can do I
can be kind of
crazy um it’s it’s amazing really like
people trust me nowadays I trust me
which is weird you know and you’re
reliable and all that yeah it’s crazy
yeah so um in your you said you
experienced a lot of loss like early on
in your life so for how did you like
deal with that with your mental
health uh I would say I didn’t deal with
any of it I just like I suppress things
and I run from them um so I started I
started
drinking probably at about 1213 at the
latest um CU that’s just what my family
did like we would it it was just around
a lot um I started selling weed and acid
when I was in seventh grade um I would
bring bottles of VOD cup is as like a
water bottle in eighth grade and like
from like I was just never
sober um I never dealt with anything um
I was always I’m kind of an adrenaline
junkie I’ve always been that way but I
think it’s cuz I don’t want to deal with
whatever normal feelings I have I’d
rather have something crazy extreme
going on that I can like pinpoint in the
moment um yeah so
now how is like how did that change how
did you go on your mental health
[Music]
journey I don’t think there’s like any
one thing that like has gotten me there
it’s just been like a lot
of a lot of hard work that I didn’t want
to do but like I knew I was going to die
or go back to a terrible life that like
I’m starting to have good things happen
to me and then I can like see that and
appreciate that um that I don’t want to
lose and like today I have my freedom
which is very important to me I don’t
want to go back to jail either um or
prison that I I at least got out before
that um or death I have I want to do
cool things with my life my life was
spent doing from a very young age like
just crazy [ __ ] um I don’t know if I can
say that yeah what you can say whatever
you
want and like now like my goal is have
good experiences with good people around
me who are like actually my friend you
know what I mean and like I can’t put a
price on that
now
um honest working the in rehab I never
wanted to work the 12 steps I thought it
was
stupid I didn’t think I needed to talk
about my feelings or things I had
happened or [ __ ] up things I did um
but in the end that’s like when I
started of doing that cuz I’d rather do
anything than that i’ I’ll I’ll
Gladiator style fight somebody before I
have to talk about my feelings but
now my life is really changing like it’s
really changing and so I’m going to
stick to doing [ __ ] I don’t want to do
because I know that it gets me and
people that I love to a better place
yeah that’s where the growth comes in
yeah is there any advice that you would
give people um that are struggling with
mental health or addiction
you’re the only person who’s actually
going to be able to help you um you have
to do the hard [ __ ] like you got to get
up when you don’t want to get up you got
to eat the food you don’t want to eat
you got to go to the gym when you don’t
want to go to the gym you got to go to
the DMV when you don’t want to go to the
DMV you have to go to work when you
don’t want to go to work um for me it’s
you got to go to meetings when you don’t
want to go to
meetings um cuz I don’t I listen to a
lot of things about how like that
changes the wire ing or something in
your brain like the contrary action it
builds
uh I don’t know it builds like your
character in a way that you’re you’re
able to handle more without falling back
on like whatever safety net you might
have so and I also I trashed any safety
net I had before I came here like I
didn’t have any family I didn’t know
anybody I didn’t have any money left um
I was just in rehab so I had to like it
was just terrible but now I know like I
value all my [ __ ] that I have today in
the places I am even if sometimes I get
a little ungrateful like I just have to
remember where I came from which it’s
easy to get ungrateful I try really hard
not to do that to fall back into Old
thinking patterns but as long as I can
like be aware of when I’m or like catch
myself when I’m like being ungrateful or
getting agitated with things that
shouldn’t really matter that they’re not
going to matter next week like I can at
least do something about it or like be
better about it in the future because
we’re not perfect all the time that’s
for sure we don’t really reach a peak in
our life where we handle everything well
and we’re happy all the
time um life’s crazy and life life gets
Lifey as they say um so you just learn
to handle it better and especially for
me I’ve built a a connection like a
support group however small like I have
a real support group that I can lean on
with when I’m like lost in Life or I’m
confused or I I’m dealing with a lot of
heavy [ __ ]
like I have uh I have safety nets now
that are like real they’re not like
Foxhole things that I’ve made myself
yeah what is your view on uh like like
treatment like facilities and
institutions I think treatment works for
people
who want it um cuz if you don’t put in
the work if you’re not ready ready to do
if you’re not ready to look at yourself
or like your life or or try to be
self-aware or if you’re not if you don’t
think there’s anything wrong with the
things you’re doing you’re not going to
change because you don’t see a problem
with it um some people I think some
people who don’t think they’ve hit rock
bottom they’re not they they’re not
ready to change um because life hasn’t
gotten bad enough but they just if
you’re not happy like do something about
it so I think it’s a fine line of like
like treatment can be amazing but if
somebody’s not willing to listen to any
of the information they’re receiving it
doesn’t matter hopefully maybe they’ll
remember it one day and it’ll click
but and it can yeah it can sometimes
like lay the
foundation but yeah they have to be
ready to hear that
information so um how do you deal with
your feelings
now um
well I uh I I try to Journal I’m not
very good at it I used to journal a lot
more um cuz then that way I can like
look back and see where my mindset was a
week ago a month ago and like see all
the things that I’ve just been going
through since then because I think once
you get into a routine like things get
repetitive and you uh you’re not aware
of all the emotions and [ __ ] you got
going
on um I talk to people which is really
not easy for me like when you’re in AA
or na whatever you do when you go to
meetings you’re supposed to to talk to
people you’re supposed to open UPS to
people and I don’t like that I don’t
want to get your number I don’t want to
hang out with you after the meeting but
like that’s another thing that I’ve had
to do like the contrary action thing
like Reach Out make friends cuz cuz
people care if you actually like are
honest with them and and uh genuine and
you can do the same for them one day or
to somebody else
um I have I go to the gym a lot um been
trying to eat better just like little
things that help me with my mental
health to keep me on track I guess um so
I can get impulsive I can get like
ungrateful
um but I have things that I value today
so I try to keep myself grounded when I
lose sight of that yeah how did um like
therapy Take A Part in your journey
so honestly therapy has been like a
super hit or a super Miss cuz when I
first got
sober um I had a therapist tell me like
you’re unloading too much and like
you’re going to need to continue therapy
way on after this and I was like what
the um but since then like I’ve had
therapists who have like helped me like
people have tried to tell me things my
whole life um but like sitting down with
a therapist and they can like talk to me
like I’ve had like realizations that I
never would have had before even about
dumb little things that like stick with
you so you’re able to change patterns
and be aware of that [ __ ]
